Presidents Club Pish

DH, Going Postal
“Police Scotland” by Ninian Reid is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Ah reckon this Presudants Club pish has bin pure blown oot o’ aw pruporshun tae be honast wi yeez.

Ah mind wan time the sarge took a load o’ us aw oot tae the curry club at Wethaspuns cuz we’d f**kin’ smashed oor hate crime targets fer that month. Nae burds, jist us fellas aw haein’ a laugh an aw that pish.

It turned oot wee Stevie the probashunah’s a right f**kin’ lightweight an ended up pure f**kin slaverin’ efter a pint and a hoff o’ tennunt’s.

Ah’m there tryin’ tae gie the wee c**t advice aboot it. Propah honden doon mah years o’ experiunce, like. Pure f**kin’ moaral support.

‘Ordah yersel’ a mixed grill as a stertah ya daft wee sh*te,” ah says tae him. ‘That’ll pure soak up aw the lager an then yeez can enjoy yer curry withoot spillin’ it aw ovah the place like a f**kin’ jakey c**t rakin’ through a droaped chup wrappah.’

But the glaikit wee bastert’s no interestet.

“Haw you,’ he shouts ovah tae the barmaid. ‘Ya want a wee shot o’ mah handcuffs doll?”

The burd’s wan o’ these femunist wans wi’ green hair an’ goes f**kin’ scripto an sterts up aboot sexism an’ aw that sh*te. Next hing the managuh’s oot tae have a word wi’ us.

“You c**ts cannae be harassin’ mah staff like that,” says the wee c**t. “Ah couldnae gie a flyin’ f**k if yeez a polis, we’ve goat a zero toalerance policy oan that sort o’ pure sexshal discrimunation sh*te, so f**kin’ shut it or yeez are aw barred.”

The sarge hit the f**kin roof.

“You listen up yah wee fanny,” he says. “Keep spoutin’ aw that feminist pish an’ ah’ll taser the f**k oot ya an’ find three hundert quid’s worth o’ smack in yer jaiket. Then ah’ll hae this f**kin’ place shut doon fer servin’ weans. Wee Stevie’s jist excitet. He broke a junkie’s erm wi’ his baton this mornen’ an he’s pure buzzin’ fae it. Gie the boy a break fer f**k’s sake an’ tell Germaine c**tin’ Greer ovah there tae shut the f**k up and coancentrate on pullin’ pints.”

So the stupit wee prick pure backs doon and brings oot the curries. Gave us twenty per cent oaff the bill an’ aw.

Nae c**t splashed us aw ovah the Finanshul Times fer bein’ sexist. The daft wee lassie jist kept her mooth shut an let the fellahs pure sort it oot instead o’ runnin’ oaf tae the papers greetin’ aboot sexism.

© DH 2018