Lauren Hurley / No 10 Downing Street, OGL 3, via Wikimedia Commons
Runners and riders is a phrase much loved by the other place, you know, the one founded by Fatty Fawkes. In this case there is some justification for its use as we delve into the desperate plans of those individuals who are gagging to lord it over us all and get their feet under the table in Number 10 Downing Street.
One of the most striking features of the candidates is many of them want to be the first of a particular type to be Prime Minister. I have had to invent a first for the Militwat but I believe it is fitting.
Wes Streeting wants to be the first openly gay PM, we have had Ted Heath 55 years ago but he was merely a confirmed bachelor in those far off days and with his rent boy escapades and friendship with Lord Alley our current PM may be of that ilk.
The Ginger Growler wants to be the first female PM from the Labour Party. I sincerely hope she is not successful for all our sakes. A veritable walking advert for Dunning-Kruger, our Ange is not the sharpest tool in the box and as Brillo showed, she is hopeless with figures (something she has in common with Rachel from Complaints).
Shabana Mahmood who is keeping very schtumm during the bun fight that is erupting in Labour ranks wants to be the first muslim Prime Minister and coincidentally the first female Labour PM thereby snatching Crayons’ “first” from her greedy little fingers. It should also be noted that Sad Dick, from his office as Mayor of London, also wants to be the first muslim PM. I would hazard a guess that after the first muslim PM we will only ever have muslim PMs in the future. They will ensure it one way or another.
Ed Miliband, although having been soundly rejected at the GE in 2015, wants to be the first Mong to be appointed PM and is apparently only interested in stopping Wes Streeting.
Now we come to the hero of South Staffordshire, Andy Burnham. Presently Mayor of Manchester man of the people Andy is better known as Bodybags out of respect for all those victims of rNHS in South Staffordshire. I don’t think he will be the first anything but the man known as King of the North longs to return to the House of Shame and lord it over us.
Finally Catherine West made a big fuss about standing against Keir last Monday if he hadn’t decided to go. I suspect she had not read the rules because she needed the support of 80 MPs to launch a leadership battle. Since bottling it she has now come out in support of our utterly useless First Lord of the Treasury. Labour can’t even organise a coup let alone run the country.
The disaster with no saving graces who currently occupies Number 10 is clinging on by his fingernails in a desperate attempt to continue destroying this once great country amid allegations that they are withholding much of the Mandelson papers we were promised. It is almost as though there is something in there TTK wants to hide.
So far West Streeting has resigned his position as Secretary of State for Health and Social Care but has yet to make a further move, perhaps he doesn’t have the necessary 80 votes, perhaps he is waiting for Bodybags Burnham to win the bye election in Makerfield before he kicks the race off properly. If he is going to be the first it will all kick off when he does challenge Mr Spanner.
The next obvious question is what exactly are their plans, how do they intend to make us suffer. This is not always easy to discern, look at Labour’s last manifesto, it was full of vague ideas and promises and the really contentious actions of this administration were not mentioned at all. Anyhow we need to try and figure them out.
Wes Streeting has yet to make his challenge and has been somewhat coy about his plans for us plebs. There are rumours that he has a pact with the King of the North and intends to divvy it up with Bodybags as PM, Crayons as his deputy and Wes remaining at Health. If this is true then Wes is the real stalking horse. The biggest problem they face is that the bookies are far from convinced that Andy Burnham can win the Makerfield bye election and Reform have promised to throw the kitchen sink at this seat. If Reform do win then this little plot comes to nowt.
Crayons wants to nationalise everything in sight and put her beloved unions at the heart of power. During Wilson’s time in office we had something similar where the smelly socks brigade trooped into Number 10 once a week to swig ale and smoke themselves senseless. It gave them a sense of power but wily old Harold didn’t let them run the show. I feel certain that this threatened nationalisation fest will have been fully costed but seeing as we are skint how will it be paid for.
The first thought in Shabana Mahmood’s head when she wakes each morning is Islam. Although she has made a lot of noise about clamping down on illegal immigration she wants to basically bring them all in legally. Under her stewardship we can expect a massive increase in immigration and the first steps to Sharia law taking over. This is of course contrary to the wishes of the people of this country but Rodney Spanner has pushed through some very unpopular measures.
The Militwat seems to be standing to oppose Wes Streeting, maybe they don’t get on. Should Ed get the keys to number 10 it would be Net Zero on steroids. My advice would be to buy a bike because we won’t be allowed personal transport although there would be exceptions, probably for politicians. From the lips of the Militwat comes no indication of his intentions but he is such an eco zealot it is not hard to discern our future. Whether this would improve his chances with the doom goblin is open to question.
Andy Burnham is also keeping quiet about his intentions in terms of policies. It is no secret he wants us back in the EU and that could well be his major objective. Although he is known as the King of the North his time as Mayor of Manchester has not been the shining success he would have us all believe. He is not universally admired up there and has several disasters to his name including the fiasco with electric buses that keep running out of charge.
In the meantime Number 10 seems paralysed. There is still the odd PPS resigning, the news channels carry speculation 24 hours a day and there are allegations of panic at Number 10.
Until Wes Streeting makes his challenge we are all in a kind of limbo. It has all the makings of a phoney war and could well fizzle out to nothing. Even if no challenges are made, Starmer is severely damaged and the longer this goes on, the worse it will get. I do hope something does happen, it will be delicious to see the brothers (and sisters) in the Labour movement kicking lumps out of each other.
A late update on Saturday evening. It now appears that, excluding the uncharacteristically very quiet Shabana Mahmood, all of the candidates are in favour of loads of nationalisation and rejoining the EU. There are also reports that Mr Spanner will step down at some point when the contest gets under way or is resolved to avoid chaos in the Labour Party. Well there we go, putting Party before country every time though I suspect one or more of the potential candidates is behind this sentiment. Rodney has given no indication of giving up and indeed he will automatically be one of the candidates himself, he doesn’t need to get the 80 names like the others do. There are also hints from the Streeting camp that some of his 80 names are serving ministers and are reluctant at this stage to go public with their support. It is all heating up very nicely and what will Sunday bring in the way of titillation.
We now hit Sunday and even Dan Hodges is saying that our Rodney Spanner has seen the writing on the wall and has decided to jack it in, but only on his terms the cheeky blighter. His ill advised broadcast ranting about the far right did him no favours at all. How this will affect such a vain, conceited and greedy man is yet to be seen. His project to turn us into version 2 of the German Democratic Republic has failed but the damage he has caused will take some time to repair assuming the next government even sees the need to undo some of his deeds. The Tories never undid Satan Blair’s politicisation of just about everything.
© well_chuffed 2026
