Rangahs an’ Sellick

DH, Going Postal
“Police Scotland” by Ninian Reid is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Here ah am wurkin’ oan a f**kin’ Sundah waitin’ oan a bunch o’ wee Rangahs an’ Sellick c**ts tae get pished enough tae stert kickin’ the sh*te ootae each uthah in Gleska city sentah owwah a stupit f**kin’ gemm o’ fitba’.

Ah’d yooshally be oantae mah thurd Wutherspunns Sundah roast bi’noo but the sarge concelled a’body’s leave like a f**kin’ fanny so mah weekond’s been pure ruint.

We ran ootae polis vans this mornen’ so we aw’ hod tae hire a loadae minibuses fer tha day. But wee Kenny tha probashunah monaged tae pure f**k hings up when he goat tae Ernold Clark’s so ah’m sat ootside McGinn’s pub in a f**kin’ twa’ seatah Smart Cer lissnen’ tae the wee pr*ck slaverin’ oan aboot aw the scrotey wee ned burds he says he’s pumpin’ en Easterhoose.

Ah’m doon tae mah last Wispa gold an’ mah three litre boattle o’ fool fat Irn Bru’s awmost finushed an’ aw. Ah’m pure takin’ this pish up wi’ the Polis Federashun tha morra. Iss a f**kin’ breach o’ mah yoomun rice.


Ah’m stell f**kin’ stuck here in this sh*tey wee reantal Smart Cer wi’ wee Kenny the probashunah.

He’s a pure annoyin’ wee fanny. Ah f**kin’ swear ah’m gonnae end up pure taserin’ the c**t in the face a’fore mah sheft’s finushed.

He’s goat his f**kin phone oot the noo an’ showin’ me pactures o’ aw the burds he says he’s pumpin’ at the moamant. His talkin’ pure f**kin’ weappens grade pish by the way, cos fower o’ them were jist google f**kin’ emaguhs o’ burds ootae Hoalyoaksh he pure foncies an’ none o’ those wee lassies hov evah bin wee’in a f*ckin’ hunnerd miles o’ wee Kenny’s sh*tey wan bedrumm cooncil flot in Easterhoose.

Ah’m pure f**kin’ delirrius wi’ hungah the noo an aw’. Ah’m aboot a minnut’s walk awa’ fae the Blue Lagoon chippie but ah cannae leave wee Kenny aloane. The stupit wee oarange c**t’s gettin’ pure woond up by aw the Sellick supportahs aw singen’ ootside McGinn’s an’ he’s pure f**kin’ nailt oan tae stert cawin’ em aw’ fenian basterts an stert singen’ nae surrendah if ah turn mah back oan hem fer mair than ten secunts. An’ ah gurrantee et’ll be me gettin’ mah heid f**kin nipped by the sarge when the cer goes back tae Ernold Clark tha morra pure wrecked an’ the c**ts wilnae gies oor depoaset back.

© DH 2018