“I couldn’t help noticing,” said Piglet to Pooh, “When idly perusing the contents of your larder that it seems to be entirely full of cauliflowers. I didn’t have you down as a vegan, but I stand by to be corrected.”
“I have discovered the cure for The Virus,” said Pooh excitedly. “It was when I was reading the ‘Fortean Times’ last week. In amongst the entirely credible accounts of strange phenomena and experiences, curiosities, prodigies and portents was an article on the Doctrine of Signatures!”
Piglet felt the familiar sinking feeling he got when Pooh was having one of his revelations. It had taken the animals nearly a month to wean him off the Doom Goblin’s Twitter page and another two weeks to convince him that small, pasty Scandinavians with pushy parents are not capable of seeing colourless gases.
“I am not familiar with the anti-viral properties of the Brassica family,” said Piglet, “But perhaps you’d like to share the scientific reasoning behind denuding the cauliflower shelf in the greengrocer’s.”
“How it works,” said Pooh, “Is this: plants resembling various parts of the body can be used by herbalists to treat ailments of those body parts. If you’ve looked at pictures of The Virus, you can’t help but be struck by its resemblance to a cauliflower. The gaseous aftermath is an unfortunate side effect but helps with the social distancing.”
“So according to your logic,” said Piglet, “Lammy has been mainlining on turnips, Blackford subsists on Knobweed, and the C of E Bishops start their day munching on a trough of Devil’s Dung. I hate to break it to you, Pooh, especially as we’ve been encouraging you to widen your world view beyond the confines of Greta’s little obsessions, but the Doctrine is considered to be pseudoscience, and has led to many premature departures from this mortal coil and countless severe illnesses.”
“Oh,” said Pooh, sadly, “What are we going to do with all these cauliflowers then?”
“Glad you asked,” said Piglet, “Because I’ve got a rather good recipe for cauliflower soup. Come on, let’s treat the others to lunch!”
Piglet’s Easy Cauliflower Soup
- 1 large cauliflower cut into florets
- 1 chopped onion
- 1 potato cut into chunks
- 700 ml water
- 1 vegetable stock cube
- 400ml milk
- 100g grated mature cheddar or 50g crumbled Stilton
- Salt and pepper
- Chopped parsley
- Cook the onion in a pan with a knob of butter until soft. Add the cauliflower, potato, water, stock cube, milk and seasoning. Bring to the boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 30 mins until the vegetables are cooked.
- Allow to cool slightly then whiz in a blender to make a thick creamy soup. Reheat before serving, top with the cheese and stir through. Sprinkle with parsley.
© Madam Revenant 2020
The Goodnight Vienna Audio file