Rainy Island: A Civic Nationalist Tale

Zombie Ramboz, Going Postal
Image by Tim Hill from Pixabay

In a change of approach to how I usually deliver my far-right propaganda I will now recount the tale of a remarkable nation whose  influence on the world far exceeds it’s size, population and resources.

The people of Rainy Island, or Rainy Islanders, were an industrious and successful people. They placed great value on hard work and fairness. When the Rainy Islanders were not working long hours in the mines (the dominant industry) they spent their time in the old ale houses, drinking the sweet amber nectar, discussing the game of two halves and telling stories. The older the ale house, the better, and some were very old indeed. On their holidays they would take their families on trips to the rolling green hills of the countryside or to the seaside. They enjoyed nothing more than the sense of community spirit that resulted from forming an orderly queue. Those were simpler times.

The most significant event in Rainy Island history had been the Great War, fought many years ago against their closest neighbour Wurstland. It was a terrible, bloody and devastating war in which many of the Islands brightest and bravest gave their lives. Victory over Wurstland was a source of great pride for Rainy Islanders, they built numerous monuments honouring the fallen and remembered their heroism in songs and tales so that their sacrifice would never be forgotten.

While the peace following the war was accompanied by great prosperity through the rebuilding effort it also brought great changes over time. More emphasis began to be placed on making money rather than community, woman were encouraged to delay childbirth in favour of competing with men for work in the mines (previously unheard of) and it was not uncommon now to see woman falling half-naked out of ale houses after consuming too much of the sweet amber nectar. Many of the old institutions and traditions began to be challenged, particularly the Rainy Island religion. It was the individual that was important, what possible justification was there for constraining his/her pursuit of the satisfaction of desires with useless old traditions? The most notable change of all was the arrival of people from lands far to the South, Sunlanders seeking work in the mines, encouraged by financial rewards far in excess of those available in their homelands. They spoke Sunlandic, an unintelligible language comprised of clicks and snorts, ate exotic foods, had strange customs and worshipped fearsome gods. A few came at first, then very, very many. Some Rainy Islanders with too much time on their hands spread rumours that a powerful somebody, or group of powerful somebodies, had taken advantage of the political turmoil following the war to set these changes in motion, but that was generally regarded as conspiracy and the perpetrators seen as trouble makers attempting to detract from the gloriousness of the victory.

As years passed by people started to notice that while they were constantly being told that their land was very wealthy they didn’t feel very wealthy. Food and sweet amber nectar was more expensive than ever, there was less work available on the mines. Aside from the economic challenges there were not enough school places for their children, people had to wait for weeks to see a doctor, large swathes of the rolling green hills now had ugly grey tower blocks built all over them. In addition to this there were social problems due to lack of integration of Sunlanders who tended to congregate in their own communities where they would only speak Sunlandic, eat their exotic foods and pray to their fearsome gods in their own temples. The number of Sunlanders arriving on Rainy Island continued to increase year on year despite the lack of mining work which was increasingly done by robots and many people, particularly Sunlanders but also Rainy Islanders were not able to find employment. The Sunlander families also had many more children that the Rainy Islanders, the Rainy Islanders generally being too busy working in the mines, drinking the sweet amber nectar in the ale houses and taking trips to the seaside to think about having kids these days.

This situation was increasingly causing murmurs of discontent in the ale houses, but while many Rainy Islanders suspected the ceaseless inflow of Sunlanders was at least in part the cause of the pressures they were feeling, they were just too polite to say so, so they would say things like “it’s about culture, not people” instead. The worst kept secret in Rainy Island was that the two groups whose remit it was to represent the interests of Rainy Islanders, Team Red and Team Blue, were in fact two sides of the same coin. Team Red encouraged the influx because they believed the Sunlanders would support their subversive goal of reorganising Rainy Island society along egalitarian lines, and Team Blue liked Sunlanders because they accepted lower pay than Rainy Islanders as well as increasing the number of consumers who would purchase the products Team Blue’s friends produced. Neither of these teams cared about the Rainy Islanders, and both teams were using manipulation in order to achieve their goals.

A group of woke Rainy Islanders formed a third team, Team Purple. The aims of Team Purple were to restore Rainy Island to it’s former glory, and this would be achieved with the below manifesto based on the residents of Rainy Island sharing a common set of values regardless of origin, a new concept known as “civic nationalism”:

  1. Only Sunlanders with sufficient qualifications to work in the mines permitted to settle on Rainy Island
  2. Respect for freedom, tolerance, equality and equal rights
  3. Respect for democracy
  4. Respect for free speech
  5. Respect for the law of the land.

Everybody who shared these values and contributed was welcome. Rainy Island was a set of ideas, not a people, as influential Team Purple philosopher Paul Joseph Watson famously tweeted. Likewise the highly respected Team Purple intellectual Sargon of Akkad, when asked if Rainy Island would still be Rainy Island with Rainy Islanders as a minority responded confidently “Well yeah, why not?“, backing this assertion up with the unassailable precedent of the Babylonian Jews.

Zombie Ramboz, Going Postal

There was a smaller, almost insignificant but rather resourceful faction of dissidents who were not accepted into Team Purple harbouring as they did the distasteful notion that blood is more powerful than ideas (except perhaps for ideas about God), and that the only way to prevent conflict was to encourage the Sunlanders to leave Rainy Island which should then be maintained as a sort of “ethnostate”. Because these vile extremists did not have a team, Team Purple referred to them scornfully as Wurstlanders, or Wursts (the most offensive thing a Rainy Islander could be called due to the history between the two countries), so that is how I will refer to them here. Incidentally Team Red and Team Blue would also refer to Team Purple as Wursts, to which Team Purple would respond with “memes” suggesting Team Red and Blue were out of arguments. Perhaps unsurprisingly Team Purple never applied the same standard to themselves.

Elections were mere weeks away and it looked like Team Red or Team Blue would triumph yet again owing in no small part to their domination of the state broadcaster, the RIBC. As Team Purple braced themselves for the inevitable news of defeat, an urgent message came across the great ocean from the populous nation of Libertyland where the recently crowned civic nationalist king (whom Team Purple held in the highest regard) had been fighting a fierce battle against his enemies, the Donkeycrats, comrades of Team Blue and Red. Plans by Team Blue and Red to depose the king, as well as details of the illegal mechanisms by which they withheld power for themselves in Rainy Island had been uncovered. Well if there is one thing Rainy Islanders didn’t like, it’s a cheater, and they expressed their dissatisfaction by voting in the elections in numbers the likes of which had never been seen before. Team Purple was swept to power in a resounding victory, and interestingly this had all been foretold in a series of posts on an anonymous internet message board, the doubters felt very silly indeed.

They were quick to purge the RIBC, Team Red and Team Blue of treasonous elements and implement their manifesto in it’s entirety. There was an enormous surge in civic nationalist pride as thousands of Rainy Islanders and Sunlanders strode down the streets arm in arm singing Kumbaya together, elated that the RIBC would no longer be able to spread it’s divisive message. Team Purple truly were the good guys. This sense of optimism continued on Rainy Island for many years thereafter and this period is looked back upon by many as a golden age.

The Sunlanders enthusiastically adopted the new civic nationalist values, much to the surprise of the Wursts who were relegated to obscurity. Intermarriage between Sunlanders and Rainy Islanders became more and more common and was praised as a sign of integration. It should be noted however that for some reason the make-up of these unions was almost always a Sunlander man with a Rainy Islander woman, but nobody paid much attention to this peculiarity apart from the advertising industry. Very gradually the Sunlanders were starting to discard Sunlandic, and even the worship of their old gods.

A milestone in Rainy Island history was reached as Sunlanders, due to their superior birth rates, outnumbered Rainy Islanders for the first time. This event went largely ignored by most Rainy Islanders who were content as long as everybody shared the same civic nationalist values and they could continue to take their holidays to the seaside. Some of the Sunlanders on the other hand were quietly triumphant. This event coincided with (although the events may be unrelated) a renewed interest by young Sunlanders in the ways of their ancestors, as if something deep within their souls had been awakened after years of slumber. Groups of radical university students of Sunlander heritage began fervently researching their history, language, tradition and religion and to resent the fact Sunlandic was seen as subordinate when they were in the majority. As this movement grew it resulted in a huge revival of Sunlander pride on Rainy Island and a proliferation of groups advocating for Sunlander interests and a rejection of Rainy Island customs. Rainy Islanders of mixed heritage would identify more with their Sunlandic heritage because…..well, being a Rainy Islander was just not very cool.

Sunlander advocacy groups would insist that more Sunlander history be taught in schools, more statues of Sunlander heroes be erected, Sunlander religious holidays be given more precedence, more Sunlanders to be represented in politics. The Sunlanders are not really interested in the game of two halves, or drinking the amber nectar in the old ale houses, or taking holidays to the seaside, these were dying traditions. The Sunlanders joined in less and less in the songs and tales about the Great War, they didn’t think the songs were their songs. They didn’t even like to queue.

The Rainy Islanders became uneasy, they confronted the Sunlander community leaders and said “this is not what we had in mind when we fought for civic nationalism, what about respect for the law of the land”. And the Sunlanders responded that they did respect the law of the land. The Rainy Islanders asked “what about respect for freedom, tolerance, equality and equal rights”, and the Sunlanders responded that they had respect freedom, tolerance, equality and equal rights. The Rainy Islanders asked “what about respect for freedom of speech?”, and the Sunlanders responded that they had respect for freedom of speech. The Rainy Islanders asked “what about respect for democracy?”, and the Sunlanders responded that they did respect democracy. The Rainy Islanders asked “what about only Sunlanders with sufficient qualifications to work in the mines permitted to settle on Rainy Island”, and the Sunlanders replied “are you being racist?”. The Rainy Islanders left it at that.

In one of the now rare small villages where the rolling green hills were not yet covered in the ugly grey tower blocks the last two living Rainy Islanders sit alone in the last standing ale house on Rainy Island, drinking the sweet amber nectar and talking about the game of two halves (which nobody played anymore). The first, Bob, mentions he had read in the newspaper that the last ethnic Wurstlander died a few weeks ago. Fred responds “good riddance”. Bob nods in agreement. Their conversation continues:

Fred: “Remember the civic nationalist king of Libertyland?”

Bob: “God bless him, what a great man. Interesting events in Libertyland recently”

Fred: “You mean Sunlandic becoming the official language? Well nobody spoke Libertylandic anymore and it makes little sense to have a shared language nobody speaks”.

Bob: “Indeed. Civic nationalism can require compromise in order to maintain a common set of values, and at least they still have their constitution”.

Fred: “Yes, the museum it’s displayed in is well worth a visit”

Bob: “Remember how our boys smashed the Wurstland armies?”

Fred: “All those brave men did not die in vain”

Bob: “And how we celebrated when Team Purple defeated the Reds and Blues….”

Bob looks across the road thoughtfully at the Sunlanders streaming into the temple of their fearsome gods (it had recently been converted from a derelict Rainy Islander temple) as they talked to each other in their unintelligible language. How things had changed.

Bob: “Fred, have you ever wondered if maybe the Wursts may have been right all along?”

Fred: “Of course not, our civic nationalist values are the envy of the world (and indeed elsewhere)! It is ideas that are important, and think about how strong the economy is!”

Bob: “Yes of course, you are correct. Silly me”.

They had both passed away peacefully within a year, but the civic nationalist values of Rainy Island lived on….for a few more years at least.

Thanks for reading. You should read my other attempts at propaganda, I have never read one I didn’t like.

© Zombie_Ramboz 2018

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