Let me just say something about the N word, yes that troublesome six letter word, that’s right, normal.
I know that quite a few of you rarely even step outside of your homes in these rather progressive times and consequently may be totally unaware of what is actually acceptable in today’s enlightened world.
Please just put aside for a moment the squirrel and tree root stew you are preparing for this evening and let me bring you up to date.
Like a latter day Nancy Mitford, this septic eye will advise you of all the recent changes in this brave new world.
Not just the changes in terminology but also the broad, sweeping shifts in concepts and normality, this will explain what is N or non N, what is the new normal.
I hope this brief guide will ensure that you will not disgrace yourselves in public discourse, in the unlikely event that anyone would be willing to speak to you. Without further ado let’s begin;
Lesbian babies are good, this is now perfectly normal after all.
Gay men having babies is good, that is absolutely commonplace too, in fact, all third party babies are good, three is the new two, this is normal.
Any child that is conceived for a same sex couple through the means of a spermatozoa implant or a rented womb is highly prized, desirable and normal but still it must be celebrated.
Conversely those subversive, conventional families with one male and one female parent are now outmoded and should be viewed with suspicion.
Any statue of an unknown suffragist is good, especially in significant public places.
We must however still strive to find other obscure people that we can shower with memorials in noteworthy locations.
There are many more unsung heroes and heroines, the unknown customer services team leader, the obscure pop-up organic fruit tea vendor and even the forgotten Vauxhall repair specialist who only a few people had ever heard of.
I accept the Vauxhall repair specialist is a tad niche but anyone who can fix an air conditioning compressor on an Astra for a reasonable price deserves some permanent monument.
A Stephen Lawrence day is good although somewhat brief, many would have preferred an entire month at least, however there will be many more stabbed, black teenagers to fill up this particular calendar, they are even working on that as I type this.
I’m sure there are quite a few we’ve not even heard about yet, just keep an eye on the daily news, so many more memorial days are still to come.
Instruction on Islam for junior school children is good, it is essential that they should get acquainted with their new masters as soon as possible.
Getting those same children to report hate crime is normal too, after all it was very effective in Soviet Russia and just look how their society grew and prospered.
Policing hate crime is good, imagine the time the police could waste catching just rapists, murderers, burglars and violent criminals, it is simply neither cost effective nor essential.
Amnesty for all immigrants is good, after all they built this country whilst we just sat around inventing pointless silly stuff.
Compensation for all immigrants is also good, we surely must have offended them at some time so it’s the very least we can do.
A weekly apology or two from us would not come amiss either; perhaps we could even furbish a statue of a few of these pioneers in prominent places or at the very least appoint them to positions of power and influence.
Socialism is an excellent concept; we all want to be equal surely?
The idea that someone would get on in life purely based on their own merits and abilities is now bizarre and absolutely archaic.
In these advanced and broad minded times free money is already easily available for all those who simply do not want to be burdened with the inconvenience of thought, aspiration or work.
This obviously can be repaid in perpetuity by successive future generations but will not affect the current recipients. This clearly is normal, a good thing and as such it must be encouraged.
To keep abreast of the new normal, do remember to watch all the latest news from trusted sources, your impartial national broadcaster and many others who will update you on all the salient aspects of everyday life.
They will keep you informed of royal weddings and babies plus all those hilarious videos of skateboarding hamsters and, of course, the all important reality shows, celebrity news and updates.
Finally please remember that Oceania is at war with Eurasia, it has always been at war with Eurasia. Recently Eurasia developed a deadly new toxin which it used on some innocent victims, right here in our very own country and to almost deadly effect.
Important park benches and household pets were lost as a result, consequently Eurasia is never to be trusted, just remember this and you will be fine, as right as nine pence in fact.
Now for things to avoid debating if one does not wish to appear unrefined or downright gauche;
Breastfeeding is not normal, that’s so last year, mothers bonding with their children has to be discouraged.
Our health service is not just for our own use, it must be available to anyone who chooses to come here, at any time and without any contribution on their part. We now lead the world in this, a matter of great pride for us all.
Sadly however, despite the NHS being the world’s 5th largest employer it still only employs a mere 1.5 million people, we can do much better in this respect simply by throwing many more billions of pounds at it each year and increasing staffing levels further, this is both normal and desirable.
Caring for our own indigenous population, our elderly, our vulnerable and our military veterans is not normal and in fact, hasn’t been for quite a while, we continue to make good progress in this direction.
Furthermore making comments about any aspects of the new normal is bad, especially do not satirise it since the new normal is no laughing matter, it really isn’t.
Neither should you expect the State to provide you with an alternative means of expressing yourself through either a wide choice of political parties or by means of activism.
To avoid stress the State will provide you with all that is required so you don’t have to bother yourself with making any of those troublesome and unnecessary decisions.
Above all, remember that any resistance is futile and then we will all get along swimmingly, that is all that is required of you.
There you have it, a brief albeit septic guide to just some of the new normal, now a few less enlightened readers may consider this contemporary routine untenable.
In that case, perhaps just consider that maybe in twenty years or so, when we are all being cared for by our new visitors, the ones who are here to ‘look after us’ in our dotage, what will actually be remembered?
If we even survive, realistically what will be the new normal, what will the next generation know about any of our world, what will be their view of this life once we can no longer speak, once we are sitting mute in our dotage, waiting for our macaroni cheese.
What will future generations know of our time, our reality? All they will be aware of is what they are already fed daily by the Newspeak.
The Empire will be what we used to call a cinema or a theatre, freedom will be low cost roaming mobile charges when holidaying abroad, choice will be limited to voting on Britain’s Got Talent, thatcher is someone who roofs cottages and Churchill was a dog who sold insurance, he was funny, like the Smash aliens were for our generation.
If we do nothing this is precisely the heritage we will leave future generations, all of this will be their normal, the new normal is already in the driving seat after all and it is now even adjusting the lumbar support and climate control whilst locking all the passenger doors, only for your safety, of course.
Teach your children well.
© Viciousbutfair 2018