I’ve said most of this before but I’m putting it together to explain why I think there is something else going on, might not be obvious.
When I was really, really little I was very confused where I was.
“Just what is going on here? All this stuff is happening, changing, clouds move, rain falls, wind blows and then it’s all changed, gone, but I’m still here in my head, not changing.”
I was like eight or something and I said to friends, “If you say ‘it is raining’ did you ever think what this “it” is that is raining ?”
Nobody seemed to know what I was talking about.
My earliest memory is jumping off the bottom step of the staircase and greenstick fracturing my leg, hobbling into room mum was in and trying to indicate something had gone wrong.
I know it can’t have been much long after learning to walk because mum had to push me about in a pram for a bit and I remember feeling a bit smug thinking, “this is great it’s only recently they made me walk.”
Anything before that is a total blank but later though I remember having a lot of nightmares, monsters and generally things too powerful to fight off.
Dad was great. He gave me an imaginary silver revolver nothing could withstand and after that whenever I got in trouble in a dream I’d shoot the bad thing with that and it would run away.
How he knew to do that I don’t know.
At night the streetlight shining through the trees and the lace curtains would make moving pictures on the wall. These pictures became angels and I used to like having them around. One night they examined me and found a little bit of badness sticking out of me and they pulled it and like pulling up roots they pulled all the badness from inside me so from then on I had no evil in me at all.
Clue Number One
Nan, mum’s mother, lived with us. She died when I was around 17. She was really strict Victorian type and I didn’t react well to been told what to do but we were very fond of each other.
One night and absolutely totally sober just in case you think otherwise, in the same room I’d always slept in, I went from lying there being awake to lying there being asleep thinking I was awake. I know I wasn’t really awake because these branches started growing from the ceiling and I had this feeling of being happier and happier, that these branches were trying to help and show me something. I reached up, taking hold of the branches and the branches pulled me up.
Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a figure just outside the door on the landing so I let go and dropped to the floor to investigate. Couldn’t see anything and went to turn on the light switch but it had no effect. Then I looked at the bed and there was me lying on the bed. I totally panicked and instinctively dived back into my body and woke up.
“What the fuck was THAT!”
I’m pretty certain the figure was my nan.
I’d recently read Colin Wilson books so I wrote to him asking what should I do if this happens again.
He said I probably had an untrusting character.
Clue Number Two
I’d left home when dad got the cancer and wasted away over a year. I got a call from the vicar that I should go home.
Formerly built like a brick shit house he was just a skeleton lying there. I couldn’t stop the tears and didn’t want dad to see them so pretended to read the newspaper.
That night lying again in the same old bedroom it was like with the tree but this time it was light drawing me up and I am feeling happier and happier, then thinking,
“What am I doing feeling like this when my dad is dying in the other room?”
Then mum comes in, “I think he has gone.”
That was me experiencing what my dad was experiencing.
Clue Number Three
I invited people over to my flat. This Welsh woman persuaded all to do the Ouija board. Do not ever do that. It was spelling out things “today is the day” and stuff like that. The next week lying in bed I heard a telephone ringing really loud and I had no telephone, then the bed started shaking violently, “What the fuck?”.
For weeks was overcome with a sense of doom and would feel there was something cold on my back and I would get electric shocks and things would move about. After a couple of weeks of this a guy who knew some people in the Spiritualist Church persuaded a woman to come around and exorcise me. Said it was a kid had been killed in a motorbike accident didn’t know where he was and she told him he had to sort himself out and after that everything was back to normal.
Clue Number Four
I’d got the idea in my head that if I just kept checking with the Jesus character that wasn’t really in my head but “up there” then everything would be fine and as it had transpired that seemed to be working. Everything I was doing was getting prizes.
I didn’t need to do anything, things just happened.
Sat on my own in the pub having a think this girl and her friend join me and 24 hours later I am living with one of them.
Then she says something stupid and I kick her out of the flat the next day. Just totally no compromise.
Then a couple of months later, not having had any contact with her at all I go on a wander about. I get a train ticket to Paris, notice the time of the train, see I have 2 hours so go to the pub. I go to the railway station and the train has left already an hour ago “Uhh?”. Next morning I come back and get on the train. I have to change in France at some deserted stopping, I wait, train pulls in, I get on and I sit down then see I am sat opposite the girl I threw out of my flat. We spend time together, I am hitchhiking, she is hitchhiking with a girlfriend, that’s not going to work so we part company. Two weeks later an Australian I never saw before says, “Run, run for the ferry is leaving,” I don’t know where this ferry is going but I run anyway.
There at the top of the gangplank is the girl I kicked out of my flat. She says, “I knew you would be here”. We spent some time on a beach and then I wandered off and she went back to London. Later when I came back we were together for 20 years or something.
That’s just ridiculous coincidences.
I do have more clues but there’s the issue, is there something looking on, paying attention or is it all random with coincidences?
Are we spirits ?
I have no idea really but I’m thinking we are.
© Gotham must be destroyed 2020
The Goodnight Vienna Audio file