Awrite ya bunchae f**kin’ bawbags?

DH, Going Postal

Iss Frideh, which is when ah hop oan tha train an scoot back up tae Paisleh tae deal wi’ mah coanstichency mattahs.

F**kin’ Scotrail teeket collectah c**t had some f**kin’ cheek, by tha way.

“So whit yeez are sayen is that yer wanten wan o’ they kids fer a quid teekets?,” he says.

F**kin’ right ah dae. Here’s ya poond ya nosey c**t, ah says. Now geez mah teeket.

“Aye well thass fine darlen,” he says, “but ah’m gonnae hov tae coanfascate that boattle o’ MD20/20 an aw they tinsae Tennunts if yeez are really fifteen.”

F**kin’ bastert. Proably wan o’ they Oarange Lodge wans whit votet aggents Sco’ish indapendunsh and stole oor childrun’s futyahs.

Ah tell yeez wan hing – c**ts like that wilnae be wurken oan tha railways wance Nickalah nashnalises et aw an’ makes it aw free fer tha wurkahs.

Onyhoo. Ah gets tae Paisleh an’ mah coanstichency oafface is f**kin’ hoachen’ wi’ folk wanten mah help an’ advice.

Wan lassie comes in an’ tells me she cannae feed her weans cos tha price o’ heroin’s goan up again an’ they fashist basterts fae Brighthoose sent tha Sheriff Oaffacahs to her hoose fer getten bahind wi’ tha payments oan her wee fifty inch telly.

“There’s f**k aw deeshant ot tha foodbank either,” she says. “Nae fesh suppahs or nuthin. Jist aw this sh*te en tins whit made mah micrawave go oan fire when ah tried tae cook them.”

Iss f**kin’ hertbreaken whit this Toary guvverment are dae’in tae vunrable people. Ah’ve literally goat tears rollen doon mah coupon as ah’m writen thess.

Onyway, iss lunch time so ah’m oaff tae Alan’s Snackbar fer a pokeae chups, curry soss an’ a buttert roll. Noathen makes me mair proud tae be Sco’ish than comin’ hame tae some tradishnal cuaseen.

Featured image: “File:Mhairi Black, 16 July 2016 (2).jpg” by Paisley Scotland is licensed under CC BY 2.0

© DH 2018

Audio file Are you kidding?