Larry’s Diary, Week Two Hundred And Eighty-Seven

Monday

Good morning all, the cat is back! I have had a lovely couple of weeks off and the weather has been pretty good. I have spent lots of time out on my favourite windowsill in the sun. Firstly, I must mention the climbdown in the benefits bill. Legohead was too thick to notice the growing backbench revolt from those of his MPs who have thousands of constituents on benefits and were worried about losing their seats. I hear rumours that he may be too late with his changes and there are still 60 or more Liebore MPs willing to defy the whip. If they do, will Legohead throw them out of the parliamentary party?

My first bit of Whinge and Ginge are about to launch a rosé wine this week. The chosen day just happens to be the late Princess Diana’s birthday. I bet Whinge thought it a good day to deflect attention to her products rather than to Diana. But is she so thick that she doesn’t think launching an alcoholic product on Diana’s birthday is in poor taste when she was killed in a car driven by a drunken driver? And in another bit of Whinge news, I learn that her ‘homemade jam’ is made in a factory in Illinois.

News reaches me that Airbus is developing a new long-range, high-capacity plane that will beat Boeing’s long-delayed 777X out of sight. The plane, A390?, will carry 450 passengers over 12,500 miles non-stop, that is enough for London to Auckland, New Zealand, with a margin for diversion or bad weather. The good news is that the proposed plane would be a twin jet, made of modern composite materials and powered by the Rolls-Royce Ultrafan, making it lightweight and highly efficient.

I got to see Rod Stewart on stage at Glastonbury, and I rather enjoyed it, after all I am an old cat who remembers all his old hits. The crowd ignored the pleas from the woke to ignore him because he had the audacity to say he thought Nigel Farage should have a chance at being PM. For someone who is over 80 to have that much energy is amazing. Rather than ignore him, I loved the way the gathering of thousands sang along to the likes of Maggie May and Sailing.

While talking about Glastonbury, I was amazed by the BBC’s choices of what to broadcast or not to broadcast. They were quick to announce that the ‘band’ Kneecap would be broadcast on a delay because of the controversy over their previous performances where they had called for MPs to be murdered. They chose to broadcast live the Kneecap warm-up act, rapper duo Bob Vylan, who chanted “Death, death to the IDF.” But my disappointment was they did not broadcast, not even on the iPlayer, the legendary Searchers, whose last ever gig it was. The band has been around since the 1960s and have had many big hits including “Sweets for My Sweet” and “Needles and Pins.” What a miss by the BBC.

I have been reading about a disabled man whose wheelchair toppled over when he went over a kerb, and he fell out and was knocked out when he banged his head on the pavement. When he woke up in hospital, he found the police had confiscated his custom-built wheelchair because they said that the add-on electric motor turned it into a motor vehicle and he had neither insurance nor registration. Even though the electric motor could be removed, the police refused to return the chair, meaning the man was stuck in his home. The police ignored him and his family, charities, the hospital and his GP. It was only when the man’s MP got involved that, 19 days later, they returned the wheelchair, less the motor. He is now using a hand-drive system.

I mentioned before my break about all the players Arsenal were being linked with during the current transfer window and initially I was a little surprised that so far no one had moved in and only a couple of players had moved on. But I hear that those players were at the end of their contracts and went on free transfers. The big transfers are not expected to happen before tomorrow. Why tomorrow? Well, it is the 1st of July and the start of many clubs’ new financial years. Consequently, kicking deals into the next financial year can be very tax-efficient for many clubs.

Tuesday

Good morning everyone, and another lovely sunny morning. I woke up this morning to the story that Robber Reeves wants to change the investment limit on cash ISAs from £20,000 to £5,000 to ‘encourage’ people to invest in stocks and shares instead. The City has its eye on the £300 billion said to be invested in cash ISAs since the Tories introduced the project. However, Hargreaves Lansdown say their survey shows only one in four who invest in cash ISAs would swap to equities.

I see that the Government has decided to reintroduce to the RAF the ability to deploy tactical nuclear weapons. But the decision is a little complicated. It is 30 years since the RAF retired the V-bomber fleet and our own WE177 nuclear bombs were decommissioned by the B Liar government, leaving our nuclear deterrent in the hands of the Royal Navy’s submarines. In addition, none of the current RAF planes can carry a nuclear bomb. So what is the Government to do about it? Well, it seems the plan is to buy American planes and borrow B61-12 gravity nuclear bombs from the ones the Americans have stockpiled around its European bases. We originally planned to buy 138 F-35 jets from the US. We currently have 48 F-35Bs on order — that is four squadrons’ worth — but we have already lost one that fell off an aircraft carrier. But the F-35B is the vertical take-off version and can’t carry nuclear weapons. So the plan is to buy 12 F-35As, which can carry nuclear weapons, and another 15 F-35Bs, which can’t. That’s one squadron of F-35s and we’ll be lucky if six are available at any time — and another squadron for our carriers. We really need to get on and order the full 138, or better, even more.

This week’s cat story is about Lottie, whose cat parents were worried when she refused to eat. They rushed her to the vet, whose X-ray showed she had swallowed something and would probably need an operation to remove it. She was moved on to another vet who was equipped to operate on cats, where it became apparent that Lottie had swallowed a long piece of string — one end of which was wrapped round her tongue and the other end went through her stomach into her intestines. It took four incisions to remove all the blue string because if it was just pulled out, it would have cut into her guts. Lottie is now home, doing well and eating again. It seems the string was from Lottie’s scratching post.

So, the police have announced that they are going to hold a criminal investigation into both Kneecap and Bob Vylan’s performances at Glastonbury. If they had been as quick to deal with them as the Murkyside Police were with the Southport rioters, they would already be locked up.

Yesterday afternoon, yet another London Tory councillor has switched to Reform UK. I understand that brings the total of Reform UK councillors on the London Council to three. All over the country, there is a steady dribble of councillors from other parties defecting to Reform. This time it’s Dan Thomas, who was once leader of the Tories on Barnet Council. I hear there is still a queue of councillors waiting to switch parties, but Reform are being careful to vet everyone who wants to swap parties.

I read that one of the effects of the Trump tariffs is that they have pushed up the price of cat food in the United States. It is not widely known, but much of the cat food sold in America is imported from Thailand, and the tariffs have currently added 36% to the price of cat food imported from Thailand. So, I am thankful I am not the White House cat, or I might be on reduced rations.

I just read a headline that informed me that the Royal Family have been travelling by train for over 180 years. My first thought was that I knew the train service was bad, but not that bad. That’s a long time to be sat in a train — even the Royal Train, which comes with bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchens and restaurant cars. Then I realised it was just poorly written, and it meant that the Royal Family had been using various train services for over 180 years. Now that is a bit different. I remember often seeing pictures of Queen Elizabeth arriving somewhere or other by train, but I can’t remember seeing video of King Big Ears stepping off the Royal Train. I thought he was supposed to be an eco-loon and would be using it all the time.

Wednesday

Hi folks, it’s cooler this morning in London, but humid, and it has been raining overnight. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get more rain this morning. So, Legohead got his bill through the vote last night, but only after yet another concession. It seems that the bill that was to save £5 billion in cost will now save precisely nothing. Add to that the £3.5 billion needed to reverse the two-child cap and £1.25 billion to reverse Winter Fuel Payments, and we have a nearly £10 billion black hole for Reeves to fill.

There are rumours going around Downing Street that Sad Dick is readying himself for a run at the Labour leadership. How could he do that when he is not an MP, I hear you ask. Well, the story I hear is that he will stand in Tulip Siddiq’s Hampstead and Highgate if she has to stand down. He thinks he would easily be nominated and elected, but I wonder. Legohead doesn’t want him in Parliament, as he recognises the followers among left-wing MPs that Sad Dick has. But I wonder if the electors of Hampstead could turn to Reform.

To mark the Wimbledon fortnight, Marks & Spencer has put on sale a limited-edition Strawberries and Crème sandwich. I understand that it is not for you if you don’t like sweet things, as even the bread is sweetened. It is also very rich, and I hear that you might just about manage to eat a single one before feeling full. I hear that fruit and cream sandwiches are common in Japan and are also available in Japanese supermarkets in the UK. I think I might give them a miss.

After talking about the Royal Train yesterday, I hear that it is to be scrapped. Well, not quite scrapped — it seems it is to be put on display somewhere (yet to be decided) so that the public can visit it. But surely a better idea would be to turn it into an excursion train that people could travel on. I bet it would make a lot more money running trips out of the likes of London, Manchester and Edinburgh with lunch and tea onboard. However, I hear the King will now be travelling by car, public trains (in first class, of course) and in two new helicopters the Palace is going to lease.

I hear that the Parliamentary Authorities have said a firm ‘no’ to the introduction of cats to control the mouse population in the Houses of Parliament. I was introduced to No. 10 for precisely this reason, and I have caught numerous rodents, and they are rarely seen in No. 10 now. But the reason they have given for not introducing cats is that there is a lot of work going on in the Houses of Parliament and cats might get hurt if they wander into dangerous spots. Do they think cats are stupid? None of my brothers and sisters would deliberately put themselves into danger. The Parliamentary Authorities would rather be overrun with mice than do something sensible.

Ed Millipede has come up with a new wheeze — he wants to cover an area the size of the West Midlands (374 square miles) with solar panels in the next five years. According to the Department of Energy, this would generate the equivalent of a nuclear power station. But would it really? It would need sunlight and to be in the south of England to generate anything like that. So, unlike a nuclear power station, it wouldn’t be able to generate at night, and its output would be much reduced on dull winter days. But I have other questions: where in the south of England are you going to find a space the size of the West Midlands to place the panels, where are all the panels coming from (China?), and how much will it cost?

After reports in The Sun about illegal immigrants working for food delivery companies, the police have suddenly started checking the bike and moped delivery riders. I hear the whole thing started when The Sun was interviewing a couple of illegal immigrants outside a migrant hotel, when in the background someone came out of the hotel and rode off on a Deliveroo bike. When the interview ended, the reporters found a whole load of bikes and scooters in delivery company colours at the back of the hotel. A reporter was dispatched to pretend to be an illegal immigrant and signed up as a delivery driver without needing to prove who he was or that he was entitled to work. The answer is very simple: fine the delivery companies £50,000 for every illegal immigrant they employ.

Thursday

Good morning everyone, and it’s another lovely sunny one. I have to say I was a little surprised to see the state of Robber Reeves at PMQs yesterday. Even before she burst into tears, she clearly wasn’t right, with huge bags under her eyes. It seems you can take your choice of what was wrong from a menu presented by various Liebore representatives. She apparently either had a personal problem; had a row with the Speaker; had a row with the Ginger Growler; or heard Legohead not saying she was safe in her post.

The number of illegals crossing the Channel in small boats is still rocketing, with over 20,000 washing up on these shores in the first six months of the year. Of course, this is a record number, up 48% on the same period last year. On Friday it will be a year since Liebore came to power and, to date, nearly 44,000 have come in illegally. Have you noticed that Liebore have dropped the ‘Smash the Gangs’ slogan? Could it be because they are not smashing the gangs?

While I was enjoying my little enforced break, while my scribe was at sea, there was a very interesting ruling from the Supreme Court that I feel that I should comment on. They basically said that Legohead had been illegally conspiring with the EU to sign us up to obeying their rules and regulations without either consulting Parliament or the UK public. Legohead thought he could get away with using his executive privilege, and the Court ruled that he couldn’t. This has upset many Liebore MPs who are in Brexit-voting constituencies and had no idea the government had been colluding with the EU to put us back under their power.

Another good performance by Bad Enoch at PMQs today, even if she was pushing at an open door. It is becoming more and more apparent that Legohead just refuses to answer a question. Six tries she had yesterday, and he waffled off on some prepared answers that had little or no relationship to the question. Not only that, the answers cherry-pick statistics from events that suit the government but are often now out of date and could be considered total lies.

On Monday, the first fixed speed camera in North Yorkshire was unveiled by the Mayor of York and North Yorkshire. The camera on a lamp post in Sherburn covered a section of the A64. The Mayor proudly announced that the camera was to go live the following day. However, it never happened, as in the early hours of Tuesday morning the lamp post was knocked over. North Yorkshire Police say they think it was a deliberate act and have called for witnesses. Good luck with that.

I have noticed that the Ukrainian attacks on the Russian nation have been getting much further and deeper into the country. Not long ago, the Russians had a free hand to attack anything and anywhere in Ukraine. But although they still do these days, the Ukrainians seem to have much improved air defences. But in the last few months, the Ukrainians seem to have developed both longer-range weapons and new tactics. A bit back, the Russians were shocked when Ukrainian drones reached Moscow. Then they hit several airbases in a coordinated attack. Now I read that drones have attacked a missile factory 13,000 kilometres from Ukraine, hundreds of miles east of Moscow.

The report on the fire at the electrical substation that supplied Heathrow and caused the airport to shut down has placed the fault firmly on National Grid. It seems that they had been aware for seven years that water was leaking into the equipment and done nothing about it. Eventually, the water caused a short circuit and the huge fire. I had to laugh at the National Grid’s excuses; they claimed they didn’t know the substation supplied Heathrow and that they had a regular maintenance programme.

Friday

Hi everyone, it looks like it’s going to be another lovely day. I do normally like these nice summer days, but today is an exception as it is the anniversary of Legohead coming to live with me at Number 10. I have had a lot of PMs live with me; some have been better than others. Some I have liked and some I didn’t, but he is undoubtedly the worst, even more horrible than that old woman and more useless than that one who was only here for a month.

I read that someone dumped five giant reticulated pythons in the Lincolnshire countryside. Four of the 16-foot-long snakes have been recovered, but it is thought that one is still on the loose. Householders in the Twigmoor and Cleatham areas have been told to be careful with their pets, as a python that size could easily crush and swallow a large dog, and a pet rabbit would be a snack. In their native South America, the biggest snake in the world commonly eats wild pigs and deer. I shall not be going on a visit to Lincolnshire any time soon.

With all the fuss this week over PIP payments, I see that there are, as of April, 589,550 claimants who have traded either part or all of their payments for Motability cars. But it is the breakdown of the ‘medical conditions’ of who is getting cars that I find fascinating. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the disabled getting adapted cars, but why are we giving 770 people receiving PIP for Alcohol Misuse and 220 for Drug Misuse? Surely they should not be on the road at all. But I have another question. I hear that 40% of all new cars are supplied via the Motability Scheme, and it allows the user to buy almost any make of car. Why aren’t users limited to buying only British-made cars?

Talking about cars, I see that about 120,000 British motorists have received a letter from the DVLA telling them to stop driving the older versions of the Citroën C3 until it has had its airbags replaced under a free programme run by the manufacturer Stellantis. It seems that the metal container the bag is in is deteriorating with age and, if it is deployed in an accident, the container fragments and metal bits become shrapnel. The ‘Stop’ notice has apparently been caused by a woman motorist in France being killed in such an incident. Of course, this means that UK Citroën dealers have to suddenly find 120,000 appointments and many times that number of replacement airbags. This, of course, is causing huge problems, as some owners can’t get a booking for six months or more!

I hear that the new trains for London’s Piccadilly tube line have hit a problem and, instead of starting to go into service this year, will now start coming into service in late 2026. It seems that the initial trains have been arriving on time from the Austrian factory via the Channel Tunnel, and 80% of the 94 trains are coming from a new factory in Goole, Yorkshire. It seems there is something wrong with the trains, and initial testing has revealed serious problems with integrating modern trains with the ancient track infrastructure, and the trains will need to be modified. So, sorry all you Piccadilly Line users — it looks like another 18 months before you get air conditioning on your trains.

I was sorry to see that Liverpool and Portugal footballer Diogo Jota has been killed in a car accident in Spain. Initial reports say that he and his younger brother, André, were both killed when their car left the road in Zamora, Spain, when they were driving from Spain to Portugal. Not many details are known yet, but initial reports say a tyre burst, but I’m sure we will hear a lot more soon. Perhaps the worst part is that Jota only married his long-term partner two weeks ago and leaves three small children.

The rumours reaching me this morning are that Legohead is starting to work on a reshuffle of the Cabinet, and one of the major casualties is likely to be Robber Reeves because of the disastrous Disability Bill. Personally, I can’t see how he can blame her when he must have signed off on the Bill and it didn’t come out of her department. But it makes me wonder who Legohead will grace with the poison chalice that is the position of Chancellor. I hear the leading contenders are Pat McFadden, Darren Jones and Yvette Cooper, all of whom do not appeal to me. But if Robber goes, how long can Legohead last?

Saturday

Good morning, my happy readers, and it is a little grey this morning. Legohead is missing again, but I hear the plan to cut the two-child benefits cap is dead. Since the climb down on benefits, the budget has had a big hole in it, and I understand that this measure would have cost £3 billion, so it’s a savings measure.

I hear that HMRC are taking Marks & Spencer to court over their Strawberry and Creme Sandwich. HMRC claim it is not really a sandwich and thus VAT-free, but is a sweet like a bar of chocolate and is therefore subject to 20% VAT. I don’t see how HMRC don’t think it is a sandwich; surely the definition of a sandwich is something like meat, cheese, even jam between slices of bread. But HMRC seems to be arguing that if you put strawberries and creme between bread it is a sweet, and sweets are subject to VAT. It’s Jaffa Cakes all over again.

TfL have spent thousands of pounds creating a report that concludes that buses are racist. It’s not bus drivers or inspectors or managers but the actual buses that it says are racist. I’m not really sure how an inanimate object can be racist, but according to this report, they are. I hear you asking why buses are racist. Well, it seems that the report draws this conclusion because in a survey 80% of London bus passengers were white!

I have learnt that to travel by train from Rotherham to Leeds costs about double what it costs to travel from Sheffield to Leeds, which is a longer distance. It seems that Northern Trains, who run the services, are trying to manipulate the passengers into using the service from Sheffield rather than the overcrowded fast service from Rotherham. I suppose that would make sense if you could get on the slow train at Rotherham, but apparently you can’t — it goes a different way. So that excuse just doesn’t hold water.

Having just mentioned Jaffa Cakes in my earlier tale, I have just heard that a special exhibition of Jaffa Cakes has just been pulled from the Bermondsey-based Biscuit Museum. It seems they got a letter from McVitie’s saying how disappointed they were to see that the museum had fallen into the old trap of believing that Jaffa Cakes were biscuits, when a court case had ruled that they were in fact cakes. The letter added that it was generally easy to tell the difference, as stale biscuits go soft, while stale cake goes hard.

An interesting — well, it is to me — bit of cat research has just been published showing that the vast majority of cats sleep curled up on their left-hand side. Apparently this is so the left eye is unobscured by the body. In most cats the left eye is dominant, as it links to the right side of the brain, which is the side that processes spatial awareness, so the cat is ready for defence if attacked. In addition, we cats spend 12 to 16 hours a day asleep and like to do so in a raised position, say on a bed or, like me, on a windowsill. It explains a lot to me.

The Sun has had an interesting series of stories exposing just what illegal immigrants have been getting up to. They have now been exposed as leasing the kitchen of their Huddersfield migrant hotel and setting up a dark kitchen producing ‘Big Boy Burgers,’ which other illegal immigrants then deliver. I wonder how many laws this broke and just who knew what was going on. Is there any government mechanism for checking up on what is happening in the migrant hotels? I bet there are others up to the same thing or worse.

Well, that’s my first week done since my little break and until my scribe is off on his next cruise. I see the first part of his cruise diary replaced me last Sunday. I wonder if Swiss Bob has bounced me out of my regular spot. I hope to be chatting to you all next week.
 

© WorthingGooner 2025