Welcome to another edition of The Frank Report – you find me reporting live from Westminster, where it’s been a busy week. They say you learn on the job, and let’s hope for Liz Truss that turns out to be true, because it’s been a rough seven days for the government. In response to the Tories’ mini-budget, the pound collapsed faster than a Labour voter on a work capability assessment; 40 percent of mortgages were pulled from the shelves, and everyone from Andy Burnham to Keir Starmer accused the Conservatives of ‘taking the piss’ with tax cuts. Of course it is an anathema to Labour expecting people to earn their own money – it eats into valuable leisure time already earmarked for protests, rioting, and the odd bit of hanky-panky formally known as gang-rape.
Fortunately, the panic was short-lived. The pound recovered its losses, thanks to the UK economy’s unexpected 0.2% growth – despite the ONS recession forecast. It’s a shame Kwasi Kwarteng is unlikely to get any credit, because no one knows what he looks like. Well might the Daily Mirror panic over its ‘all black Chancellors of the Exchequer look the same’ gaffe, but really what were they supposed to do? How can you be expected to know what a ‘superficially’ black man looks like? I’d have just opted for a photograph of Justine Trudeau, and prayed for the best.
There has been major chatter in the city, as trials of a four-day work week are going well. Many firms taking part in the trial claim they will keep the revised schedule, seeing as productivity has either remained or improved. This will cut little ice with Labour Party members however, the majority of whom are already on zero hours as it is.
And there was fury as London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, denied the late Queen Elizabeth II access to Trafalgar Square’s fourth plinth, because there are significantly more worthy Malawian anti-colonialists and ‘transgender faces’ queuing up to get on it. What can you say about Sadie? A man so full of shit, it’s a crime Pampers haven’t made him their brand ambassador. Talk about not reading the room.
Still, it could be curtains for Khant anyway, after he was formally summoned to appear in front of the London Assembly to account for himself after blowing Cressida’s Dick earlier this year. Failure to attend could result in a fine or three months imprisonment. Fingers crossed eh?
But Khan will get off – you know it and I know it, because, unlike our beloved monarch, he is not a shameless honky. That’s the way the world works now, irrespective of the industry or the facts – if you’re white you’re out, black you’re in. Which is why Cambridge University now eschews excellence for virtue signalling, offering more black scholarships after ‘discovering links to the slave trade’. It’s why Mark Lawrenson is undoubtedly right to claim he was dismissed by the BBC for being ’65 and a white male’. And why in light of Hurricane Ian’s Florida death toll, Kamala Harris can say with a straight face ‘relief will focus on communities of colour’. Perhaps that’s why meteorological disasters are usually given white names – it’s a little harder for Democrats to exploit the white privilege and toxic masculinity of Hurricane Shaniqua or Storm Delroy.
White privilege is pervasive, but in no field is its carte blanche so evident as that of immigration. The EU, which conveniently ignores the fact that the majority of its citizens want a complete ban on immigration from Muslim countries, has never found an illegal immigrant it didn’t like: 40-year-old children, gang rapists, and ISIS fighters, they all add to the heady mix of European life; until now. Finally they’ve drawn the line on Russian men fleeing Putin’s draft – in other words, our allies.
EU officials have laid down the law – not only do the Ruskies look suspiciously white, they are in fact ‘dangerous’, and ‘should stay and fight Putin’. I mean come on, it’s not as if they’re fleeing the ravages of those glorious long-legged French birds, the world’s best patisserie and the overwhelming fumes of bare-chested President Macron’s Channel number five, is it?
Still, not to worry – if you’re fed up with the wife and those 17 infant Muhammad’s back home, you’ve still got soft touch UK at your disposal. The dinghies are out in full force in the Channel, as Britain closes in on 33,000 (reported) illegal crossings in 2022. And on the back of this emergency, Liz Truss plans to ‘loosen immigration rules’ to boost the economy. Same old Tory bullshit then: not only is Truss seemingly incapable of turning off the tap, she’s actually going to increase numbers and rebrand the illegals ‘workers’, hoping the plebs won’t notice. Shameful.
Suella Braverman can tweet all she likes about the ‘500 dangerous criminals’ deported by the Home Office in September. A good start, certainly – but with an estimated 1.3M illegals already in UK, at the rate they’re going, it will take 216 years just to clear the backlog. Braverman might want to start turning the boats back and clearing out the hotels first, just a thought.
Illegals may show no sign of cancellation, but cancel culture is still going great guns. This week’s winner was Google, who claims its censorship of Italian election victor, Giorgia Meloni, was a ‘mistake’ – funny how the mistakes only go one way, isn’t it? You’ve heard of Giorgia possibly, the ‘far-right’, ‘fascist’ nut-job, who believes in things as crazy as the family, Christianity, putting Italy first, defending its borders, and steering clear of Islam, wokery and ‘LGBT lobbies’; the woman must be on drugs.
Closer to home, there was more woke interference in education as maths teacher Kevin Lister was dismissed from a school in Swindon. The reason? ‘Transphobic discrimination’, after he refused to use a trans student’s preferred pronouns, without first consulting their parents. Lister is a credit to himself for attempting to keep the family in the loop, but he’s a rare bird in the gender wars, where activists are keen to involve parents as little as possible. Trans ‘charity’ Mermaids is facing claims that it sent girls breast ironing devices behind parents’ backs. I know, I know, what’s the big deal? This noninvasive procedure only causes breathing difficulties, chronic back pain, changes to the spine and broken ribs – what’s with the transphobia?
Good news if you’re more progressive than me, you can now happily board a Virgin Atlantic flight where the cocks are just as likely to be concealed beneath cabin crew skirts as within the boardroom. And speaking of massive cocks, news just in that Eddie Izzard is to stand on an all-female shortlist for the Labour Party. Desperate to get their first female leader / PM, Labour have clearly decided to go the whole hog and attach a penis to every new female recruit, just to be on the safe side.
Cocking things up royally meanwhile are Meghan and Harry, who are attempting to stall the release of their Netflix documentary in a bid to mend Buckingham Palace fences. Harry is also desperately trying to edit his memoir, so as not to appear both a eunuch and and ingrate, in the wake of his grandmother’s passing. Still, it’s not looking good for the gruesome twosome, with palace aides recently branding Meghan a ‘narcissistic sociopath’, while others were much less positive.
Unexpectedly testing positive for Covid for the second time in under three months, is quadruple vaccinated and double masked Pfizer CEO, Albert Bourla, who says he is ‘feeling well while experiencing very mild symptoms’ – if only he’d have had five jabs, silly boy.
No one gives China enough credit for giving the world the most inclusive disease in history, affecting the vaccinated more than the unprotected. Not only that, but despite claims the vaccine would not be transmitted by lactating mothers, a new study shows that vaccines have been detected in 45% of breast milk – which hopefully should kill off a few of the little bastards before they’re old enough to refuse the vaccine.
Like Joe Biden, Covid may look like its on its last legs, but the media won’t let a good story die. This week’s attempt to revive the winning formula are the headlines that a dangerous monkey virus ‘similar to HIV’ could spill over to humans – if you didn’t know what the government was getting you for Christmas, now you know – another nice little lockdown, don’t bother to wrap it.
Unwrapping thousands of pairs of XXL trousers are Britain’s Old Bill, who have clearly spent so much of lockdown mincing around in high heels and policing tweets, that they couldn’t catch a real criminal if their lives depended on it. That’s just as well, because catching criminals isn’t really their bag now, as evidenced from Sussex Police’s Pedophile Protection Unit on Twitter (@sussex_police), who had the gall to tweet this last week:
Hi, Sussex Police do not tolerate any hateful comments towards their gender identity regardless of crimes committed. This is irrelevant to the crime that has been committed and investigated. Sussex Police.
This was in reference to child abuser, John Dixon, who currently pretends to be a woman. Clearly, pedophile rights are a top priority for any police force on top of their brief – and Sussex is right up there, ranking 33rd out of 43 abysmal UK police forces, detecting a pitiful 23% of crime, and boasting the highest number of complaints of any UK force.
In other news, a new supersonic nuclear-powered plane could fly to London to New York in just 80 minutes. They could do it shorter in fact, but that’s how long it takes Joe Biden to unbuckle his seatbelt. Divorce applications are the highest they’ve been for a decade, as the ‘no-fault’ law change takes effect – so if you’re wondering what hubby wants this year, look no further. And finally, Britain’s favourite stand-up comedian, Anjem Choudary, has had his speaking ban lifted, and can now entertain the masses again. While negotiations for his own BBC show are underway, Choudary has called for Muslim patrols, encouraged Muslims to attack Hindus, and asked Hindus to embrace Islam – you can’t deny, the lad’s still got it.
That was Frank’s week.
Take care of yourselves, and remember everything looks better after breakfast in bed, a generous Sunday roast, and a triple scotch.
Frank Haviland, The New Conservative