Roger Ackroyd’s Question Time Review

Question Time 5th September 2019


Special Limited Collector’s Edition. Once only offer.

Richard Tice – Brexit Party
Kwasi Kwarteng – Tory
Ian Dale – broadcaster
Lady Nugee – Labour
Ian Blackford – SNP
Layla “Basher” Moran – LibDem

Venue: Westminster

Welcome back, dear Puffins, to the weekly bear pit that is Question Time. I had hoped to be on the high seas by the time this programme was dragged huffing and puffing out of the vaults for another season but the bastards brought it back a week early and even though I shall be away and steaming down the Solent later today I have the dubious pleasure of bringing you the highlights of this week’s programme.

First up – shock horror!! There is, for once, a totally balanced panel. Three Remainers, three Leavers. To my knowledge this is the very first time this has happened and that I have to comment on it is an indication of how very unusual this is.
Bingo phrases/words to spot:
Crashing out
Thugs and bullies
Shortage of food/drugs/whatever
Democracy (ironically meaning “undemocratic”)
Winston Churchill’s grandson.

The audience, we are told, is 52/48 Leave/Remain.

“Question Time” is a misnomer. There will come a moment in the not too distant future where it will be retitled “The Fiona Bruce Show”. And in this particular episode you could add the strap line “featuring Lady Nugee and a Boring Scottish Fart”. Holy shit, it is rare that I get so wound up that I can feel my heart racing but this evening’s pantomime got the piss boiling and the blood pumping within 5 minutes of the start. Naturally the whole discussion centred around Brexit and Kwarteng was invited to answer first. Then Tice. It could have only been a matter of 3 seconds before Bruce jumped in and interrupted his answer and then promptly allowed Blackford to hijack the time with one of his interminable rambles. Tice never got his time back even when he asked Bruce directly if he could now give his view. “No, no, I want to go to the audience”.

Ian Dale became extremely angry with how he was treated by Bruce and Blackford when he too was continuously interrupted and asked “is this the Ian Blackford show?” I felt at one point that he might just get up and leave, it was that bad. Bruce has an air about her of someone who is untouchable and who thinks she can run a debate at this level of adrenalin. She can’t. She is more suited to prancing around in front of a row of antiques and trying to be coy with the assorted sycophants surrounding her.

The one big reveal of the outcome of the discussion is that Labour has no coherent strategy on Brexit with Nugee having to finally admit – after having her arm twisted until the bingo wings threatened to burst pus and doughnuts over the assembled panel – that if Labour were in power it would go to Brussels, negotiate a “deal” (whatever that might be) come back and have a referendum and then promptly push for Remain. As Tice, Kwarteng and Dale scathingly pointed out such as a stance is totally nonsensical – and the audience mostly agreed.

Basher Moran was pushing for a second referendum but when Dale asked her if she followed Swinson in not recognising that result either if it was Leave again she went quiet and rambled on about foodbanks and austerity. Dale pointedly asked her five times until Bruce shut him up. Both Blackford and Nugee dominated the proceedings and Bruce allowed them to witter on to their heart’s content. You can almost see the insincerity oozing out of Nugee like the deathly fog that rises from the sea in the film of the same name. Blackford is just a tedious old bore who one dreads being sat next to at some function or other. One’s polite gene forces one to sit there and nod while trying not to let the eyes glaze over while making up an excuse to leave the table. The impolite gene forces you to shout in his face “shut the fuck up you tedious old fart” while cramming a lemon meringue into his phizzog.

The bingo words list I penned above before the programme were, apart from chicken, all used. How could it have been so predictable?

Ladies and gents, boys and girls, good Puffins all. I fear that QT will not fare well over the coming weeks and it is with some relief that I shall be absent from duty for the next two episodes as I shall be partaking of a few snifters and tripping the light fantastic with Mrs A on board the Queen Victoria as we burn vast quantities of fuel touring the Med. I may even send you some piccies so that you may gnash your teeth and tear out your few remaining hairs but I shall be safe and content in the knowledge that I have at least a temporary break from the shitshow that is QT. I shall be back at my desk on September 26th. Volunteers for the 12th and 19th shows – please apply to SB.

A nightmare thought has just occurred to me. What if I get a tedious tit like Blackford on the dining table next to me? Pass me the meringue…

© Roger Ackroyd 2019

Roger’s book.


The Goodnight Vienna Audio file