Give us back our football

“UK – London – Fulham: Stamford Bridge” by wallyg is licensed under CC BY 2.0

I declare I am the most chivalrous person you could meet. I am not misogynist in any area of life – except possibly, by a dint of a badly timed sliding tackle, when it comes to football. Those who have named it “Wendyball”, to deny its supreme position amongst sport are, perhaps, Prophets.

“Wokeball” has been thrust upon us by broadcasters with a Woke agenda. To get in my early “Reducer” I give you “Where’s The Bloke Luv?” from the Fast Show Where’s the bloke? – YouTube .

I have written about the farce of the “BLM knees” in a previous article. It was clear that the broadcasters did decide eventually it was a political message and stopped demanding their presenters wear a BLM badge in the studios. Some realised the BLM movement was Marxist, race-baiting, anti-police, antisemitic, multi-million dollar houses, shake-down. (STOP PRESS:- as I write I see that F1 is dropping the knee, something that was a wrestling move I seem to remember from the Big Daddy days)

As footballers descend to the knee the broadcasters now seem to be reading from the same script. Some bollocks about “A message of social justice and equality blah, blah blah….” So, its no longer about recognising the death of a multi-convicted criminal who threatened a woman with a gun? What to make of the recent Manchester Utd v Middlesbrough FA cup tie where “girlfriend beaters united” knelt while “roadside grit for breakfast, North Eastern fishermen” Middlesbrough STOOD.

Do we derive that Middlesbrough is a place where “social justice and equality blah, blah blah” hasn’t quite reached? Or do we accept that Woke Bollocks is just that. We get told “to warm applause”. Why do we need to be told what our own ears can hear? Because in the early days this meaningless gesture was booed. Today fans just can’t be bovvered.

What really gets my gander as much as a blatant penalty denied because VAR wasn’t in use is the wokeness of women commentating and presenting football. Sorry to our lovely lady Puffins but this is our “transgender with willy out in the ladies changing rooms” moment.

“Altrincham 9 – 0 Chelsea”. Did Thomas Tuchus not have a full squad? You dash to the BBC website to read the gory details, then you see “WSL”. Womens Soccer League. You feel duped. What the fk does this have to do with real football? I am NOT being nasty here.

I use the Newsnow feed for news about Spurs and I see that Spurs have just signed “Munchausen” from Bayern Munich. Or that “Kelly hat-trick downs Arsenal” I go to the article link and it’s the bloody Spurs Women’s team. It has NOTHING to do with your life-long support of Spurs. Its NOT Spurs.

My red-mist descended while watching Spurs v Brighton on ITV4. An enthusiastic young woman hosted the ex-PROFESSIONAL footballers with a nauseating high tone and a talent for asking banal questions. Let me immediately add that Gabby Logan, or Gabby Yorath as she was born, daughter of Terry Yorath, has been presenting football for years and does so seamlessly. She’s literally “One of The Lads” So, I am NOT totally against women touching our beloved football.

As well as “Miss Banal’s questions” we had post match interviewer “Miss Cliché 2022” asking the questions.

I don’t understand the mind-set of a match day broadcaster who apologises for “any bad language you may have heard from out pitch-side microphone” if it picks up a player or coach shouting “fuck!” but keeps on broadcasting supporters singing “you’re fucking shit”. Work that one out.

Now the “Man of The Match” has been replaced with “Player of The Match”, even when the teams are all male (so far). The Daily Mail picked up on this  wokeness at ITV football and rugby goes woke: Broadcaster stops referring to ‘man of the match’ | Daily Mail Online. And the stupidity is that Spurs own media showed a picture of Harry Kane with the text over his photo saying “Man Of The Match”.


Furious fans have hit out at ITV after the broadcaster changed its man of the match award to ‘player of the match’. 

The phrase was used by commentators and pundits on ITV during last weekend’s men’s FA Cup and Six Nations contests. 

England captain Harry Kane was among the male athletes given the ‘player of the match’ award by ITV, though his club Tottenham continued to refer to him as the ‘man of the match’. 

And ITV presenter Jill Douglas corrected herself at one point, changing her comment from ‘man of the match’ to player after the Six Nations contest between Italy and France on Sunday.

To complete the hat-trick, with parody licence, co-commentor Lee Dixon was asked to name the “PLAYER of the match”. I wish it had gone like this:-

“Well Lee, who’s your Player of the Match”

“My Man of the match is……”

“No Lee! No! Its now Player of the Match. That’s a yellow card”

“What? But they are all men out there. Whoever I choose is going to be a MAN. So its Man of the Match, surely”

“No Lee. What about the women’s game? What about when we get transgender players? How do you that there isn’t a cervix out there?”

“You’re fucking barmy. I’m off!”

“And I was just about to issue you a red card for not reading the “Woke New Agenda Commentators Handbook” (I don’t agree with it but I treasure my job)”

I don’t think I am being unfair about women commentators and pundits. We rely on our commentators to know something about the professional football game. I can think of:- Ally McCoist (the best IMHO), Lee Dixon, Jamie Carragher, Glenn Hoddle, Steve McManaman, Gary Neville, Robbie Savage, Grahame Souness, Roy Keane, Alan Smith (apologies for some I have missed). Many times I have been astounded when they have pointed out why a tackle wasn’t a foul or where a shot has taken a deflection. Something in real-time I have missed but backed by a replay. A woman commentator who has kicked a ball will NEVER have the same experience of long-standing Premier and Champions League professionals. They are hired just to fill a woke quota.

I admit it. When the co-commentator is a woman I turn off the sound. I seem to vaguely remember a woman player covering an FA Cup match and asked in the studio “Barbara, you’ve won the cup six times. Explain to our viewers what that’s like”. Its effing irrelevant what her experience is. Did she face Ronaldo, Kane, Kevin de Bruyne or Chopper Harris, or was she playing alongside Casey and Philippa, who are married and bringing up a surrogate child who hasn’t chosen their gender yet?

Finally, into extra-time, Spurs have announced that they are going “Zero Carbon” as are other teams. Next year it will be “Spurs Mixed Genders” versus “Liverpool Mixed Genders” in the Greta Zero Carbon Cup. They will take the knee for 45 seconds as the commentator says “Players are taking the knee today for social and racial justice. For zero carbon, Footballers against Rape and violence against women, famine in The Yemen, Clean Oceans, Better Insulation for Homes and Easier Pregnancy for Men”

Lugosi, from the armchair, with his Spurs 1961 Double bobble hat and rattle, February 2022

Note: For reasons of not wishing to cause offence I have decided to remove from the article:-

What next? “Snatch of the Day”, “The Big Snatch””, “Fairy Liquid sponsors the Clean Kitchen Cup”.

© Lugosi February 2022