The impact of the Central African situation with regard to the Lucky Onion trade

“mud hut” by breezy421 is licensed under CC BY 2.0

I found this script, on a park bench, and found it interesting.


featuring Camelly Mateless

“Good Evening, and welcome to NewsTonight. with me, Camelly Mateless.

Tonight we are investigating the ongoing situation in Central Africa, and the impact it is having on the Lucky Onion trade.

First, some background information on the Lucky Onion trade from Jeremy Vile.”

Jeremy – “Thank you, Camelly. The background to this unusual commodity centres around one man, a brilliant businessman, and totally legitimate, Mr George Agdgdgdwngo

Mr Agdgdgdwngo started in the Lucky Onion business at the bottom, first supplying Fortunate Spring Onions, but soon realised that there was a demand for a more robust product. Thus the Lucky Onion Trading Company was born, and Mr Agdgdgdwngo soon set up a supply chain from his humble premises, supplying the whole world with his products.”

Camelly – “Thank you for that insight into this strange but lucrative business.

However, the recent lockdown rules in Central Africa have cut Mr Agdgdgdwngo’s supply chain, leading to a serious problem for the rest of the world.

Krusty Wart is here to explain.”

Krusty – “I’m here at a small fishing harbour on the South Devon coast to talk to someone involved in the secretive smuggling of Lucky Onions. For obvious reasons he does not want to be named and we have pixellated his wallet.”

Mr X – “Hello”

Krusty – “Hello, can you tell us how you got involved in this operation and who Mr Big is.”

Mr X – “I won’t name names, but I was approached by a man in the toilets at Bridgewater services who offered me £200 to go round the back with him and…..”

Krusty – “Let me stop you there, Mr X, is this how you were recruited into the smuggling operation?”

Mr X – “No, but I still remember it.”

Krusty – “Tell us what smuggling Lucky Onions entails.”

Mr X – “Well, we go out in our boat, about 10 miles out, then we meet another boat where a box is passed across. Then we drop it off ashore and it is picked up by a man in a big wagon.”

Krusty – “Thank you. Back to the studio.”

Camelly – “Thank you Krusty, this is just the start of the trail that these shadowy men leave, though.

Jeremiah Paxo takes up the story.”

Jeremiah – “It is a dark, stormy night. The wagon, loaded with mysterious boxes wends its way through sleepy villages and hamlets until it reaches the M5 motorway, from which it is a straight and swift drive into London, where the Lucky Onions slip into the underworld drugs ring. At this point the ‘County Lines’ distribution network takes over. Occasionally, however, one of these wagons is stopped and searched by the authorities. Let me introduce Inspector Gerald Long-Drop, of the Lucky Onion Anti-smuggling Force, L.O.A.F.

Inspector Long-Drop, tell us what happens when you stop someone suspected of being involved in the smuggling.”

Inspector L-D – “Well, of course, these Lucky Onions are hard to detect. The smuggling gangs have many ways they try to mask the odour. Some of them use a strong cheese, Gorgonzola or Limburger, to fool us into thinking that we are smelling a cheese and onion sandwich, but this is a simple thing to detect as they are foreign cheeses, and no self respecting trucker would eat anything other that Cheddar in a cheese and onion sarnie.

The smuggling gangs have recently taken to masking the scent of the Lucky Onions by encasing them in stronger smelling substances, in America they use coffee but here they are more sophisticated and use Cocaine to hide the smell.

This sometimes fools our sniffer dogs…”

Jeremiah – “You have sniffer dogs? Tell us about them.”

Inspector L-D – “Yes, we have spent a lot of time and money training dogs to sniff out these Onions.”

Jeremiah – “Spaniels?”

Inspector L-D – “We tried Spaniels but we find that French Poodles, not the miniature ones, the big ones, better to sniff out the scent of an onion. We think that is genetic, being French they are brought up on onion kibble, so are easy to train. Sometimes we get Garlic false positives, but we are trying to train that out of them.”

Jeremiah – “What is your success rate? How many consignments of Lucky Onions are you intercepting?”

Inspector L-D – “Impossible to say, we might catch two in one week, then go months without getting another one. These gangs are winning the battle. Soon the UK will be flooded with Lucky Onions.”

Jeremiah – “Thank you, back to the studio.”

Camelly – “Thank you, Jeremiah. It seems that the gangs are gaining the upper hand here. We have discovered that there is another route into the UK, via Heathrow, where independent one person bands are getting in on the action. We go now to Heathrow and Lorra Kuntsburger.”

Lorra – “I have with me a representative of HMCE who are responsible for detecting contraband. Officer Treecrab, can you tell me how these Lucky Onions are getting into the country through one of the busiest airports in the world?”

Treecrab – “Well, Lorra, the Covid restrictions have made it a little easier to spot. Usually it is a mxn cross dressing, with a Lucky Onion in each cup of hx bra. These are easily spotted, they are usually crying, because of the onion, but also, because of the heat of the body and the Lucky Onion being in the dark, it sprouts and the green leaves are visible hanging out of the cleavage. We intercept most Lucky Onions smuggled in in this way.”

Lorra – “Thank you, back to Camella.”

Camella – “That’s all we have time for tonight, but on next week’s programme we will dig into the murky world of the man behind all this, Mr George Agdgdgdwngo.

Thank you, and goodnight”

© text & images Grimy Miner 2022