A (Burts Eye) View From The Greenhouse: The Road To Hell..Etc…Etc…

This scare-crowing lark isn’t the cushy number some folk would have you believe. Granted, it isn’t the most taxing of roles and there’s plenty of time for both reflection and pondering, even if the lack of stimulating conversation does get a little tiresome at times. TBH, if I had my choice I’d be happier doing it on a farm, in a cornfield, somewhere down south, or even on the old continent (where I have it on good authority that scarecrows hold a much higher social position) than being confined to a three hundred square foot, weed infested, micro-holding in the bleak, wet and interminably breezy North West of England. But, having said that, it’s a rare scarecrow who gets to pick where he’s (literally) posted. Any road up, even a scarecrow would have to be blind or stupid not to have at least some idea that this whole country’s going to the dogs. You only have to listen to the two blokes who (literally) posted me here, discussing the latest illegal immigration figures, the cost of a pint in the local (How Much?), the proliferation of both “Turkish” barbers and (coincidentally) cannabis farms in the nearby market town, or  even all this old bollox about women “having a penis”. Even an old scarecrow, with straw where his brain should be, knows that a woman can’t have a penis, nor can a man, for that matter “grow a cervix”. You’d have to be very, very stupid indeed to believe that. I won’t go on, but I have a partly formed theory about it all, and, for what it’s worth, here it is; “They” didn’t set out to bugger everything up, some of “them” even set off with half decent intentions, but, once they got going, they found the lures of power, sex and money impossible to resist. Consequently, instead of recognising that things were an unholy mess, and setting about putting stuff right, “they” simply doubled down, even when “they” could see the looming financial, social and moral storm clouds gathering on the horizon. “They” (knowing a long game needed to be played) even chose their own thoroughly corrupted (and/or indoctrinated) successors. It’s alright for “them”, they’ll never be directly affected by their own malfeasance, greed, degeneracy, or rank stupidity (unless they’re either very unlucky or they get thrown to the wolves). It’s the ordinary folk who’ll suffer, and the scarecrows, because scarecrows, as well all know, will still be with us, if there are any crows left to scare, long after the proverbial shit finally hits the proverbial fan.

It may have been the compost, it may have been the seed, it could possibly have been the hot, dry spring, or it may just have been sheer incompetence on my part, but all of my tomatoes ended up discoloured, pot bound and more lacklustre than I’ve ever known them. Maybe the successes of recent years have made me a bit complacent, too, but we were where we were. I did put some more in, but the results haven’t been great, to say the least. After consulting the buildings and maintenance department (help being required in the actual planting of said tomatoes), we decided to put them in the ground and see what came about. The addition of a good drink of concentrated liquid seaweed seemed like a chance worth taking, so plant the first dozen we duly did.

Within a week all twelve of the plants were showing signs of vigorous new growth, both in terms of height and colour. No more encouragement being needed, we now have forty three tomatoes, (without labels) and six pepper plants in the central growing area of the house. Once they’ve all got some decent new growth on them, we’ll take off the lower yellow leaves and get the strings tied up, continuing with the seaweed feed on a weekly basis until trusses start to form, when we’ll switch to a good quality tomato feed. Crisis hopefully averted, we may yet have a half decent tomato, chili and pepper crop later this summer (should summer ever arrive in these parts).

There’s an old saying, that goes along the lines of “It’s an ill wind….”. We haven’t half had some rain in the last couple of weeks, I think that if we’d known buying a new sprinkler would cause it to rain so much, we’d probably have bought it in the middle of May! Ironically, if it has been the heat of spring that’s made the tomatoes such hard work, the early summer rain’s done wonders for the early potatoes, so much so that we’ll probably be lifting them by the end of this week. You never know quite what you’re going to get, but if the tops are anything to go by, I’m anticipating a more than decent cropping. It’s only ten weeks or so since I put the seed in the ground. It’s almost like magic!

A favourite with the buildings and maintenance department, we’re trying the padron peppers again this year. Five plants are now in the ground, under the watchful eye (and shade) of the newer vine. I’ve tried them a couple of times and found it hard to see what the fuss was about, apparently, every now and again, you get one that packs a bit of a chili punch. Maybe I’m not doing it right, but I don’t doubt I’ll give them another try.

Another of B & M’s pet projects, this old trough’s being utilised as a bed for l’al (pronounced lyle) gem lettuce, for the second year (maybe the third). They refuse to “heart up” in the same way that a shop bought one, but eaten young the leaves are sweet and crisp, making for a perfect salad vegetable. Most enjoyable and extremely easy to grow, if somewhat “thirsty”. I took some of the leftovers and put them into the bed with the radish and other mixed leaves and herbs and they’re doing well, too. It ain’t all doom and gloom!

It didn’t set out this way, but most of what’s been planted since my last missive has been brought to its current stage by the B&M department. It’s almost as if he does all the real work and I take all the credit. TBF, although the five cucumber plants are their work, I did germinate and bring on the cornichon, nestling at the end of the row. I have another one almost ready, the idea being to pickle them, should they be a success. I don’t mind a pickled mini cucumber, if I’m honest.

Along with the padrons and the cucumbers, B&M acquired some baby corn plants (he clearly has exotic tastes, I blame the foreign holidays) which I’ve now planted out in the second (from the left) of the raised beds, along with two rows of swedes (now thinned out to a dozen or so) which we’ll pick when they’re about cricket ball size and use as either a side vegetable or grated raw in a coleslaw type thingy.  As with most things we’ve planted outside, it’s all about “suck it and see”. If it works and, more importantly if it either gets eaten or has barter value, we’ll grow again, possibly in greater quantities. if not, we’ll try summat new.

I’ve long been of the belief, in fact I may have mentioned it here on previous occasions, that “celebrity” opinion is equally as relevant (or irrelevant) as my own opinion, or anyone else’s opinion for that matter. There are no laws that say the opinions of so called “talented people”, made inordinately wealthy by the system they so frequently (and unironically) rail against, carry any more weight than the opinions of others, but, somewhat unfortunately, this doesn’t stop them believing, in their own delusional minds, that they’re somehow wiser than “ordinary” people because they can sing, act, or tell a funny story. War (wherever it takes place) is hell and it’s my opinion that if you want to prosecute it, then you have to be prepared to accept any and all of the consequences of your actions, as unpalatable as those consequences may be. The current situation in Gaza (which I’ve refrained from getting overly involved with or commenting on to any great extent) has brought out the the full gamut of “talking heads”, seemingly in their hundreds. Ever one of them knows exactly what’s happening out there and every one of them has the solution. What none of them are prepared to do, unless I miss my guess, is go out there and try to make a difference to the lives of the victims (both Palestinian and Israeli) and their shattered, often extended families. Maybe they should take a leaf out of Gretas’ book and try to do their virtue signalling a little closer to the action. Who knows, they may even get some of the respect they clearly believe is due to them.
 

© Colin Cross 2025