Welcome back my friends to the flamboyance that never ends, as Fabulously Festive Friday proudly presents yet another march of the muscle Marys up the salubrious passage of contemporary culture.
As you brace yourselves for the grim prospect of turkey curry, please be welcome to part seven (now with added sex, scandal, gossip, zombies and horror) in our short series of articles, guaranteed to contain no weirdos, nothing obscure, nothing remotely challenging and no tunes not thoroughly well known to both the man on the Clapham omnibus an’ ‘is dear ol’ mum.
This week we shall conclude (sort of) our countdown of the UK’s all-time, best-selling artists, as measured (for the most part) by the sales of physical singles. So be assured, pop-pickers, only the most popular pop performers and their most poptastic pop choonage will make the utterly ruthless cut for these articles.
And so, without further ado, we finally reach the top ten (praise the Lord – I for one am heartily sick of all this cheesy pop tuneage and intend to make you all pay for my suffering with some seriously atonal obscurities over the coming year – so be afraid… be very afraid) and kick things off for this evening with Rihanna – apparently the best-selling female recording artist of the 21st century (outselling Tay Tay? I find this very hard to believe) and the second wealthiest lady artiste on our poptastic planet – at least according to them there Guinness World Record sorts.
Rihanna is currently the highest-certified female digital-single artist in the US and has landed a very impressive six diamond certified singles. She has achieved 14 number-one singles, is the recipient of more awards and accolades than you could possibly shake a stick at and has racked up an estimated total of around 250 million (and counting) records, which all lands her a very respectable 10th position on our poptastic countdown.
At number 9 we find the Chameleon of Rock, the Thin White Duke – the late, great, David Bowie. As we have already examined Mr. Bowie’s career in some considerable depth (during a previous episode of FFF) I shall limit my comments here to noting that over his lifetime this staggeringly innovative and influential musician achieved record sales in excess of 100 million units worldwide.
He is of course one of the best-selling musicians of all time, the recipient of six Grammy Awards (including a lifetime achievement award), four Brit Awards, was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1996 and Rolling Stone currently ranks him as one of the greatest singer/songwriters of all time.
When he died from liver cancer in 2016, the Guardian (yes, I know) described him as the most important and influential artist since the Beatles. The Daily Telegraph said that Bowie had “one of the supreme careers in music, art and culture”, adding that he was “too inventive, too mercurial and too strange for all but his most devoted fans to keep up”.
ABBA, who land at a very creditable No.8 on our countdown, have sold more than 385 million records worldwide and, far more importantly as far as I’m concerned, managed to provide me with one of the worst musical experiences of my entire life.
Many moons ago, after much nagging from Lady Cutlery, I foolishly agreed to attend a screening of the truly dreadful ABBA film, Mama Mia! Naturally, I girded my loins and approached the evening with no little trepidation. But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for the visceral horror that was visited upon us during what turned out to be one of the most hideous evenings of my life.
You see, dear reader, this was no ordinary screening. This was a special screening – a very special screening indeed: I had unwittingly walked into a special-edition, audience participation screening, with full sing-along lyrics emblazoned on the screen and a seemingly endless supply of cheap fizz to fuel our already exuberant ladies – ladies who were well lubricated, fired up and seriously ready to rock. It was two hours long, full participation would prove to be compulsory and there would be absolutely no chance of escape.
Well, the next couple of hours were hell. The audience (the vast majority being ladies of a certain age, ably supported by a substantial sprinkling of fabulously flamboyant gentlemen) danced and sang and howled their approval with untrammelled abandon. They waved their arms in the air, they danced in their seats, they danced in the aisles, they danced everywhere.
Unwilling husbands, boyfriends and partners were dragged from their seats and forced to participate. Any who tried to demur were howled down, berated, ridiculed, humiliated, until eventually they too were forced to perform like barking, clapping seals.
Every now and then I would catch the eye of some poor husband or partner as trapped as I. We would exchange a brief, grim, haunted look of the damned, before being swept away once more on the overwhelming tide of oestrogenic exuberance and exaltation. And it seemed eternal, as if our anguish would never cease. Hit after hit, song after song, dance after dance; the soul-sucking misery just went on and on and on – an endless nightmare, a danse macabre.
Eventually, of course, our torment was over; the credits rolled and we could breathe again. As we shuffled out, forlornly sluiced from the theatre on the ebbing tide of our still singing and dancing ladies, I exchanged slight nods and subdued glances of acknowledgment with my fellow victims. Words were not necessary, our bonds of kinship were real, forged in pain. We were brothers in adversity.
Some, I’m sure, sought counselling. I buried my pain, suppressed the trauma and moved on. I’ve never seen the sequel, Mamma Mia – Here We Go Again, and I never will. A third instalment is rumoured, that too will pass me by. I’ve done my time. I’m never going back. You weren’t there man. You weren’t there…
And so on to Queen at No.7 who have sold about a gazillion records, with most of their sales being achieved after the death of Freddie Mercury. In fact, back in the late ’70s and early ’80s, Queen seemed to be a burnt-out outfit, with lacklustre albums and falling sales. It was against this background of fading popularity that Queen – generating significant controversy at the time – decided to accept an invitation to perform a series of concerts at the notorious Sun City resort in apartheid-era South Africa.
The decision to play in a country that still enforced racial segregation drew heavy criticism from activists and musicians who supported the UN cultural boycott of South Africa. Queen defended their decision by arguing their audience would be integrated, substantial donations were being made to local schools, their performances would provide a platform to speak out against apartheid and they would be able to foster and encourage change from within.
Critics responded with claims that although substantial cheques were pocketed for the nine performances, there wasn’t actually very much in the way of effective anti-apartheid campaigning from the band in return. The backlash was significant, they were fined by the Musicians’ Union, blacklisted by the UN and the band were even introduced by John Peel on Top Of The Pops as “The Sun City Boys”.
Nevertheless, despite this controversy, the deeply tedious Bob Geldof decided to invite them to play at Live Aid. Queen grasped the opportunity with both hands and delivered what was generally agreed to be the most impressive performance of the day. And in the process, of course, they also managed to completely revitalise their flagging career.
Given his pantomime dame routines, it’s sometimes hard to remember just how massively successful Elton John (at No.6 on our chart) was in the early 1970s.
Elton’s career took off in 1970 (on both sides of the Atlantic), with his eponymous second album and his first major hit single, Your Song. His rise from this point was truly spectacular. During 1971 alone he had four albums on the US Billboard chart.
During the three year period from 1972 to 1975, Elton John and his lyricist Bernie Taupin would write and release a seemingly endless run of hit singles and seven top-notch albums, all certified platinum, that would top the charts for what felt like forever.
This was Peak Reg – for a three-year period during the mid-1970s, 1 in every 4 weeks had an Elton John album at number 1 in the US, and 1 in every 4 weeks had an Elton John single in the top 40 – and his success in Europe was not very far behind this staggering US performance. Although his career continues to this day, it is his phenomenally successful ’70s output that lands Elton John a very impressive 6th place on our chart countdown.
At No.5 we find the man dubbed “Wacko Jacko” by the British tabloid press – the Motown legend that is Michael Jackson.
Jackson’s sales figures are simply extraordinary. He is believed to have sold well over 300,000,000 records worldwide, including around 22 million in the UK alone. His best selling album, Thriller, has shifted over 66 million copies all by itself.
But it is the allegations of child abuse that will forever mark Jackson’s career – and a very messy business it was indeed. From 1993 Jackson began to face accusations of abuse from various quarters, spent millions to contest and settle lawsuits, had his genitals photographed to see if they matched drawings from one of his accusers, and finally, in 2005, was fully acquitted on all felony counts, including four counts of child molestation and one count of attempted child molestation. Two of the parents of the children caught up in this sad and sorry affair have since committed suicide.
Jackson died on June 25, 2009, from a cardiac arrest brought on by a propofol and benzodiazepine overdose. Jackson’s personal physician was subsequently charged with involuntary manslaughter, found guilty and was sentenced to four years in prison. He served one year and eleven months. Very sad final chapters for what was a very spectacular, hugely successful and at times impressively innovative career.
Our No.4 spot belongs to Cliff Richard, with a career spanning well over six decades. Over his long and illustrious career he has amassed umpteen gold and platinum awards, two Ivor Novellos and three Brits. He has landed over 130 singles, albums and EPs in the UK Top 20 – more than any other artist – and 67 UK top ten singles, a record surpassed only by Elvis Presley. He holds the UK record (with Elvis) as the only act to make the UK singles charts in all of its first six consecutive decades, but he kicks the King’s bottom by also landing at least one No.1 single in five of those consecutive decades. He has racked up 14 UK No.1 singles, 4 UK Christmas No.1 singles, and has sold more than 250 million records worldwide, making him one of the best-selling music artists of all time.
And I suppose we should also mention Operation Yewtree – a police investigation into sexual abuse allegations, and one in which Cliff Richard became entangled in 2014.
Cliff’s gaff was raided after a complaint to plod. He was neither arrested nor charged and very firmly and very publicly denied any and all allegations. The BBC (by this time post-Savile) was criticised for its somewhat high-profile coverage of the search, with a former Director of Public Prosecutions calling the conduct completely disreputable. Both the BBC and plod later apologised to Cliff. However, and perhaps entirely understandably, Cliff was not in a particularly forgiving mood and promptly dragged both plod and the BBC into court. Plod folded and coughed up £400,000 in compo, the BBC’s defence was unsuccessful and Cliff snaffled another £200,000 in damages. However, the Grauniad subsequently estimated the BBC’s costs at somewhere around £1.9 million in total. Y’all keep paying that licence fee, suckers.
And so onto our top three artists. In third place, Madonna – an artist with an estimated net worth in excess of $800 million, making her one of the wealthiest musical artists of all time. Forbes has named her as the annual top-earning female musician no less than 11 times. She has sold over 300 million records worldwide, with Guinness World Records acknowledging her as the bestselling female music artist of all time.
Madonna is believed to have generated over $1.5 billion from concert ticket sales, making her the highest-grossing female touring artist of al time (before The Blessed Tay Tay nicked that crown) and the closing performance of her 2024 Celebration Tour, held on the Copacabana in Rio de Janeiro, is believed to have been attended by over 1.6 million punters, becoming what is believed to be the largest in-person, single event audience for anything, anywhere, at any time.
Madonna is the most successful solo artist in Billboard chart history and the most successful dance club artist of all time. She became the artist with the most number ones on any Billboard chart (44) and also held the record for the most top-ten singles on the Hot 100 (until The Blessed Tay Tay nicked that crown as well) and she holds the record for the most number-one singles by a female artist in Canada, Italy, Finland, Spain, Germany and the United Kingdom – a performance that lands her a very creditable No.3 slot on our poptastic chart countdown.
At No.2 we find quite possibly the world’s finest Shakin’ Stevens impersonator – Elvis “The King” Presley. Presley is of course one of the best-selling music artists of all time, with sales estimates ranging from half a billion to over a billion records worldwide. It is however hard to be sure, because when Elvis first began his illustrious career, accurate sales figures were simply not collated.
He picked up just three Grammy Awards over the course of his career, but he does still hold several very impressive records, including the most certified gold and platinum albums, the most albums charted on the US Top 200, the most number-one albums by a solo artist in the UK and the most number-one singles by any act on the UK Singles Chart.
I once dated an Elvis fan for a (very short) while. She was a lovely girl until you were critical of “The King”, at which point she became entirely unhinged. They tended to be a very devoted lot, Elvis fans. Though mental stability, it has to be said, was not always their strong suit.
And at No.1, inevitably – It’s The Beatles.
Estimates of The Beatles worldwide sales vary widely between a quarter of a billion to over a billion, with well over 20 million singles shifted in the UK alone. They are generally regarded as best-selling band in history. They have had more number-one albums on the UK charts than any other artist, sold more singles in the UK than any other artist, are ranked by Rolling Stone as the most significant and influential rock music artists of the last 50 years and, just for good measure, also hold the record for most number-one hits on the US Billboard chart – and they are still selling albums by the bucket load, each and every year. Truly worthy (if somewhat unsurprising) winners of our poptastically poptastic chart countdown.
So that’s yer lot for this week’s edition of Fabulously Festive Friday. It is not quite, however, the final chapter in our chart countdown tale.
This and previous editions of our chart countdown have been quite deliberately based on the sales of physical singles. Sadly, however, those days are now long gone and contemporary chart placings are now almost entirely based on them new-fangled streamy download thingies. Accordingly, for the final chapter in our tale – and knowing that Puffins are of course fully dahn wid da kidz – we shall consider a thoroughly contemporary top ten of the UK’s all-time, best-selling artists, as measured (for the most part) by them there streamy downloady thingies.
TTFN Puffins – Good night, and may your Frog go with you. Not ‘arf.
Featured Image: Birchflow, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
© Ivory Cutlery 2024
