Welcome back my friends, to the flamboyance that never ends, as Fabulously Flamboyant Friday sashays up to the crease to deliver yet another light-loafered, lubed-up googly from the gasworks-end of musical magnificence.
This week’s missive is dedicated to Chrissie, Burt, Andthere’smoretiers and all the others who have, in recent times, been openly, mockingly, cruelly – but perhaps understandably – critical of my appalling musical taste. Apart from the underlying threat of “stop posting musical garbage or we’re gonna send the boys round”, the most frequently voiced criticism has been, “please, we beg you, post something – anything – by some bugger we’ve actually bloody heard of!”
This is of course an entirely valid criticism, so please be welcome to a short series of articles that will address these deeply held concerns with all the sincerity and conviction of a recently elected politician glancing disdainfully at his publicly published manifesto.
These articles, dear pop-pickers, are guaranteed to contain no weirdos, nothing obscure, nothing remotely challenging and no tunes that are not thoroughly well known to both the man on the Clapham Omnibus and his dear ol’ mum. In fact, over the next few weeks, we shall count down (via a poptastic top 60, no less) the all-time* top selling artists (as measured by single sales) in the UK. So rest assured, dear reader, only the most poptastically popular pop performers and well known choons will make the utterly ruthless cut for these articles. And so, without further ado, cue the music – Not arf!
Slipping in at number 60 on our chart and only just making the cut is the man once described by Keith Richards as an overrated midget on a Pee-Wee Herman trip – the one and only Prince (or Sign or Symbol or “hollow circle above downward arrow crossed with a curlicued horn-shaped symbol and short bar” or The Artist Formerly Know As Prince or TAFKAP or or whatever).
Prince was certainly a hugely successful musician, shifting well over 100 million records worldwide during his lifetime – and selling shed loads more since he popped his clogs (via a very fashionable fentanyl overdose) in 2016.
He is ranked as one of the best-selling music artists of all time, racking up multiple platinum, gold and silver albums, as well as Grammy, Academy, Golden Globe, Billboard and American Music Awards. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Music Hall of Fame, the Rhythm and Blues Hall of Fame and the Black Music & Entertainment Walk of Fame.
Although he enjoyed a long and hugely successful career, his professional high point probably came way back in 1984 with his staring role in the hit (and loosely autobiographical) filum Purple Rain and of course the soundtrack album of the same name.
The album was an absolute monster hit, selling well over 13 million copies in the US and spending almost 6 months at No.1 on the Billboard chart. The film was also a massive success, winning Prince an Academy Award and grossing over $68 million in the US alone. Songs from the film were hits on pop charts all around the world and at one point Prince had the No.1 album, single and film in the US – all at the same time! That really was quite an achievement and the very first time anyone had actually managed it. Sinatra, Elvis and The Beatles had all come close, but Prince was the very first artist to achieve this notable feat.
Slipping smoothly in at No.59 and just managing to penetrate the bottom of our chart, we find Liverpool’s finest purveyors of 80’s pop – Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Without doubt, the boys smartest move was to sign on in 1983 to ZTT records, headed up by Trevor “the man who invented the 80s” Horn. Horn skilfully produced their early hit singles and their whopping debut album, Welcome to the Pleasure dome (1984), which managed to achieve platinum album status before it had even been released.
Advance sales for the album easily hit more than a million after their first three singles, Relax, Two Tribes and The Power of Love, all cruised effortlessly to the number one spot on the UK singles chart – helped, it has to be said, by a wonderfully timed, publicity-generating and pearl-clutching ban from the BBC.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood also have the honour of being only the second act in UK charts history to reach the number one spot with their first three singles, after another Liverpool band, Gerry and the Pacemakers, first achieved the same feat in the 1960s.
Unfortunately for the boys, Frankie Goes to Hollywood proved to be (more or less) one album wonders. Their much-anticipated second album, Liverpool (1986), was a perfect example of ‘second album syndrome’ – it sold fewer copies, was critically panned and wasn’t well received by fans of the band. The boys soon fell out and eventually disbanded, very acrimoniously, in 1987.
There have been a few reunions over the years – a very lively partial version of the band reformed in 2004 (without Holly Johnson and Brian Nash) to perform at a Prince’s Trust charity concert (with Ryan Molloy doing a rather splendid job on vocals) – and they did eventually manage to reunite with Johnson and Nash to perform at the 2023 campfest and all-round Puffin favourite that is known and loved as the Eurovision Song Contest. Given their short career in terms of top ten singles, actually getting onto our chart at number 59, really is quite a splendid achievement.
At number 58 we find ol’ blue eyes himself, the “chairman of the board” and hugely be-membered legend that is Frank Sinatra. He is, without the slightest scintilla of doubt, one of the most popular and successful entertainers of the last century and remains one of the world’s best-selling music artists.
On record as saying “any report that I fraternized with goons or racketeers is a vicious lie”, Sinatra seemed to be the stereotypical tough-talking, working-class, Italian-American. Willie Moretti (a notorious member of the Genovese crime family) was alleged to be Sinatra’s godfather and is alleged to have helped the development of Sinatra’s career. The U.S. press claimed that Sinatra was present at a Mafia Conference in Havana, with one newspaper publishing the headline “Shame, Sinatra”. He was also reported to be a good friend of the mobster Sam Giancana and the FBI is alleged to have kept Frank under surveillance for almost five decades.
Nevertheless, with estimated global record sales of well over 150 million units and more retirement tours than you can shake a stick at, Frank Sinatra thoroughly deserves his poptastic position of our Top 60 Puffin chart.
And it’s back to the 80s again for No.57 on our poptastic rundown and the favourite band of ‘The People’s Princess’ – the one-and-only Duran Duran.
The band began life in the late 1970s as a group of Brummie art school, experimental post-punk rockers. However, once they’d established their classic line-up and latched onto the emerging early-80s New Romantic movement, they very quickly rose to stardom. And they timed their rise perfectly – a good looking bunch of lads, well suited to the video age, launched at exactly the time that MTV rose to prominence and video set about killing the radio star.
Unfortunately, their enthusiastic embrace by the scream-teen press almost guaranteed disfavour from the so-called serious music press. As a result, Duran Duran became viewed as the quintessential throw-away pop group and consequently incurred the wrath, ridicule or disinterest of the rock-obsessed critical establishment. I think this is somewhat unfair. They were never my cup of tea, but I really don’t think they deserved all the critical abuse and style-over-substance charges that were continually lobbed their way.
In at No.56, a genuine surprise entry for me (just what you need on a Friday night) – Mr. Stuart Leslie Goddard, aka Adam Ant. Mr Ant first gained popularity as the lead singer of the new wave / post-punk group, Adam and the Ants. His first version of the band recorded their debut album, Dirk Wears White Sox, in 1979 and it did alright. Unfortunately, before they could record a follow-up album, Adam was abandoned by his Ants. They jumped ship and buggered of to form Bow Wow Wow, leaving poor old Adam to scratch his head and start again.
Bloodied but unbowed, Mr. Ant regrouped with a selection of new musicians to record and release their second album, Kings of the Wild Frontier (1980). This of course was the band’s big breakthrough, reaching number one in the UK Album Chart and spawning three hit singles. The album became the UK’s number-one selling album of 1981 and landed the boys a well-deserved Brit Award. They released their third and final album, Prince Charming, in 1981 and it spawned two whopping UK number-one hit singles, Stand and Deliver and Prince Charming.
In 1982, The Ants were abandoned by Adam. He split from the band and began his solo career. His first solo album, Friend or Foe (1982), soon followed and was a great success, with the single Goody Two Shoes providing yet another UK No.1. He still, writes, records and tours, but I have to admit, I am somewhat surprised to find him scoring so highly in our singles chart.
In at number 55, the first DJ on our list – David Guetta. A hugely successful French DJ and record producer, Guetta is the first artist on our chart countdown whose position has been achieved via the enormous amount of streams he has achieved – not that he’s any slouch in the physical sales department. Guetta has sold over 10 million albums, 65 million singles, but has achieved more than 14 billion – yes, billion – streams. Crank up the AutoTune, Puffins – it’s a brave new world…
He released his debut album, Just a Little More Love, in 2002. It was a substantial international hit and it’s been huge hits all the way since then. He’s still going strong, picking up Grammy Awards, American Music Awards, a Billboard Music Award and an endless string of international DJ awards. In June 2021, Guetta was reported to have flogged the rights to his back catalogue for an amount of lucre well in excess of US$100 million. Nice work if you can get it.
David Guetta & OneRepublic – I Don’t Wanna Wait
At N0. 54 we find the Pet Shop Boys. As we have already spent a long time talking about these boys in previous #FF missives (the Synth Pop series), we shall not dwell upon them here. Neither shall we dwell upon the inspiration for their name, the proclivities of Mr. Slave or the fate of Lemmiwinks. We shall instead acknowledge that Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe are, by quite some distance, the most successful synth pop duo of the lot. They have sold more than 50 million records worldwide and are widely regarded as the most successful duo in UK music history. They’re still active, still recording, still touring and over the years have collected a veritable sack-full of awards, including gold and platinum albums and an impressive string of prestigious music industry awards.
Pet Shop Boys – Where The Streets Have No Name
In at No.53 we find the diminutive Canadian rocker, award-winning photographer and alleged princess bonker, Bryan Adams.
Known primarily for his career as a middle-of-the-road, soft-centred pop-rocker, Adams is also the creator of quite possibly the world’s most irritating record and one of biggest selling singles of all time. Adams has sold over 100 million albums and singles worldwide and is one of the top one hundred biggest selling artists on the planet.
One of the darkest days in the history of music came in 1991 when Adams released his planet-rogering, monster hit single, (Everything I Do) I Do It for You. It went to number one in at least 19 countries and in the UK stayed at number one for over four months! It is easily one of the best-selling singles of all time, having sold more than 15 million copies worldwide.
When he’s not spanking his plank, Adams also operates as a very successful smudger – in fact a multi-award winning one. Because of his international success as a photographer he was invited to photograph Queen Elizabeth II during her Golden Jubilee and one of his photographs from that session ended up being used on Canadian postage stamps. He also has one of his snaps (of Brenda and Prince Philip) hanging in the National Portrait Gallery in London.
And while we’re on the subject of Royal connections, Bonking Brian was alleged to have *ahem* enjoyed the company of Princess Diana. The accusation came from one of his former squeezes, the Danish model Cecilie Thomsen. Thomsen claimed Adams and the Princess of Wales had an affair – an accusation Adams has very firmly denied, insisting they were just good friends.
At 52 we find a favourite of mine – The Jam. Formed in Woking in 1972, they have achieved their lofty position on our Puffin top 60 with a singularly poptastic feat: they released 18 UK singles from their debut in 1977 to their break-up in December 1982 and every single one of them was a top forty hit. When the boys disbanded in ’82, their first 15 singles were re-released and they all charted again. I also want to give a mention to Bruce Foxton, who provided backing vocals for the band, but more importantly, for me at least, delivered one of the greatest bass guitar tones of the 1980s.
In at No.51 and our final chart entry for tonight, we wrap things up with a genuine superstar – Diana Ross. Ms. Ross was the lead singer of The Supremes – Motown’s most successful act during the 1960s and one of the best-selling girl groups of all time. In terms of singles sales, The Supremes are still the best-charting female group in U.S. pop history.
Diana jumped ship from the Supremes in 1970 and embarked on a monumentally successful solo career, with a seemingly endless string of hit singles and albums. Ross also achieved mainstream success as an actress, picking up Golden Globes and Academy nominations. I quite enjoyed her performance as Billie Holiday in the film Lady Sings the Blues, but I think we’ll draw a discrete veil over Mahogany and The Wiz.
Ross was named the “Female Entertainer of the Century” by Billboard in 1976 and has shifted more than 100 million records worldwide over the course of her massively successful career. She has been inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame – twice, awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame – twice, has been awarded a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award – twice, and has even managed to pick up a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Truly a poptastic superstar worthy of her place on our Top 60.
So that’s yer lot for this week’s edition of Fabulously Flamboyant Friday. TTFN Puffins – Good night, and may your Frog go with you. Not ‘arf.
Featured Image: Birchflow, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
*the sales figures for these articles were compiled and published by the UK’s Official Charts Company. However, for this short series I have decided to use the total sales figures for singles as of 2012. There are two reasons for this: easy availability of accurate information and cultural authenticity. After this date, streaming figures, rather than any genuine physical single sales, really began to dominate (or distort, if you prefer) the UK’s single charts, and I’m not entirely convinced this change accurately reflects current public taste in terms of top twenty poptastitude. As an example, Lady Cutlery will often deploy her favourite streaming service and simply let it play all day. It is, to all intents and purposes, just background aural wallpaper. Nobody is actually listening, but every stream still counts towards the weekly total. Because of this I feel we have, in effect (from round about 2012 – but I’ll admit it’s an arbitrary point), moved from charts based on physical sales, to charts based on (or at least heavily influenced by) what the “radio” chooses to play.
© Ivory Cutlery 2024