The telephone rings

Scammer (for it is she): “Hello Sir, I’m calling about the accident you had recently which wasn’t your fault”

Grimy Miner: “Yes”?

S: “Can you tall me something about the accident”?

GM: “Well lass, Ah dun’t think that tha’ can fairly call it an accident, like”

S: “How do you mean, Sir”?

GM: “Well, when Ah says that it weren’t an accident, like, Ah think it probly wuz, it’s just that it wern’t me, Ah weren’t ter blame, like”

S: “Yes Sir, that’s what we understand. We specialise in accidents that were not the driver’s fault”

GM: “ Oh, it were his fault, the dozy bugger, ‘e weren’t watchin’ where ‘e wuz goin”

S: “You mean the driver of the other vehicle, Sir”?

GM: “Nah, lass, ‘e were drivin’ my ve-hickle”

S: “OK Sir, tell me about your vehicle, what make is it”?

GM: “It’s the Landy, lass, the farm Landy”

S: “Sir, what make is the Landy”?

GM: “It’s a Land Rover, lass, the farm Land Rover”

S: “What year registration is it, Sir”?

GM: “Hard to tell, lass, Ah got it off”n me Father in 1953, he browt it back from ‘t war”

S: “Can we say 1953”?

GM: “If tha’ likes, lass, if it’ll help”

S: “Okay Sir, you said you weren’t driving, who was the driver”?

GM: “It were Jock, lass, Jock were drivin’”

S: “And is Jock related to you”?

GM: “Well, not really, lass, more like a worker, really. ‘e works on the farm wi’ me”

S: “And how old is Jock”?

GM :”Now, let me think, Ah got ‘im when ‘e were six weeks old, ‘ is father was a champion and ‘es bin a goodun to me. ‘e’ll be 14 next June”

S: “Sir, you got him when he was six weeks old, did you adopt him?”

GM: “Adopt him? Tha’ dun’t adopt a collie, lass, tha’ just teks ‘im ‘ome”

S: “Just a moment, Sir, do you mean to say that your dog was driving your car”?

GM: “Ah knows what tha’s gonner say, lass, ‘What’s the daft old bugger doin’ lerrin ‘is collie drive a car”

S: “Well, Yes, Sir, that was one of the questions that I was going to ask”

GM: “Well, ‘e’s an ‘eadstrong dog, yer cannot stop ‘im when ‘is mind’s made up”

S: “But a dog!! Driving a car!”

GM: “Oh, don’t worry lass, ‘es a canny driver, ‘e started on a moped when ‘e were about 18 months old, took to it like a duck ter watter. Now ‘e’s gerrin on a bit ‘e uses the Landy ter go up ter the top paddock and get the sheep in ‘issel’”

S: “You let him drive it by himself!!!”

GM: “Only around the farm, lass. If ‘e uses it fer personal reasons ‘e ‘as ter be back in by half past ten, and no goin’ up ter ‘ill Top Farm after them young bitches. When ‘e duz that it teks us all day ter get the hairs off the seats”

S: “I can’t believe this! How did the accident happen”?

GM: “Well, we wuz goin’ inter town ter gerrus some bits and pieces, and, mind on, Ah telt yer ‘e wuz ‘eadstrong? Well, ‘e insisted on drivin’. Now, ‘e’s normally a very steady driver, watches all the signs, but this day ‘e had a strop on. ‘e wanted summat different ter that tinned dog meat but we ‘ad nowt else so ‘e ‘ad ter mek do. ‘e put is paw down in a thirty zone and was doin’ about fottyfive miles an ‘our when ‘e saw Watson’s Shep at side of the road. Well, ‘e ‘ates Shep, after ‘e was beaten inter second place by ‘im at Penrith Trials. ‘e took ‘is paws off the wheel and jumped outter the window. Ah was dozin’ in the passenger seat when it ‘it the wall, knocking 14 copin’ stones off the top”

S: “Sir, I don’t believe you are taking this seriously”

GM: “Well you started it, lass”

Of course, this hasn’t happened, yet, just waiting for the phone to ring.

Grimy Miner, Going Postal
Stuck Truck – I Give Up
Michael (a.k.a. moik) McCulloughLicence CC BY 2.0


© Grimy Miner 2020

The Goodnight Vienna Audio file