Always Worth Saying’s By-election Review

The Puffin is a well-travelled bird gracing a wide variety of habitats. Rural France, various parts of Spain, the New World, the Debatable Lands, territories where the leopard runs free, Norn Iron, the Philippine Islands, the lush archipelago that lies between the Lune and the Ribble – to name but a few nesting sites. Even on a quiet day, postcards arrive from the likes of Southeast Asia, Monte Carlo, Taiwan, Iceland, the Caribbean, the Baltic states, Russia, and provincial Uzbekistan.

Therefore, it comes as no surprise that G-P by-election HQ enjoys a correspondent embedded in Makerfield. To our Grim Up North list of wards transferred to Makerfield by boundary changes, and chanted by Andy Burnham on last week’s Question Time, we must add Leigh West, the abode of an unaware fellow traveller, surprised one recent morning by a young woman, a canvasser no less, disturbing him with a leaflet. Since then, he has been tormented with election communications and has been forwarding them to this correspondent for the perusal of all Puffins.

A connoisseur gentleman of the turf, our Makerfield contact assures us Mr Burnham to be a very strong favourite of the dead certainty variety, with the odds upon the mascara man being returned to Westminster, from his sojourn as mayor of Manchester, varying between one point one three and one point one seven – whatever that means.

Upon referring to Oddschecker, who usefully express these things the old-fashioned way, we learn that at the time of writing – only hours before the polling stations open – Burnham stands at 1/6 on, with Reform UK’s Robert Kenyon at 7/2 against and Rupert Lowe’s Restore Britain at 20/1 against. The rest of the field are distant thousand plus to oners.

Do the opinion polls tell a different story? Yes and no. Some show a narrow margin between Reform and Labour of a few percent, but my betting friend assures me that’s not the point. No matter how disappointed Puffins may be, even if the margin of the victory is narrow, it is the certainty that draws Burnham’s odds in. Having concluded that, rather than sit up all night and review a count we already know the result of, shall we look at the leaflets instead? I think we might as well.

There’s always one (or two)

There’s always one or two, isn’t there? Crackpot candidates embarrassingly beyond the eccentric. If you notice Count Binfane of the Count Binface Party, or Howling Laud Hope of the Monster Raving Loony Party, standing to one side at the declaration, trying to hide their faces, it will be to avoid being photographed beside nutty Peter Ward of nutty Rejoin EU and crackpot Sarah Wakefield of the crackpot Greens.

At least Rejoin EU give us a line drawing of Remainer flip-flopper Andy Burnham and Nigel Farage in bed together. Might the sour expressions be because another political heavyweight, a recently satisfied Carol Vorderman, lies between them beneath the sheets?

Green Sarah’s wordy communication makes great play of unsubstantiated claims Reform UK would charge you £150 to see a GP. Unlike phoney cosplay plumber and loaded Cheshire housewife Hannah Spencer in the Gorton and Denton by-election, Sarah makes no mention of Palestine and the (((you know whos))). Nor does she mention party leader Zac Polanski, not his real name, who is currently bogged down in gaffes surrounding a dishonest CV and his claimed ability to enlarge women’s breasts through hypnosis.

As for the £150 to see a GP, small change for Ms Wakefield, who, in her councillor’s declarations, reveals her partner’s eye-wateringly cash-rich business interests.

Generic to all of their campaigns, the Rejoin EU leaflet doesn’t mention the candidate’s name or even end with an advertiser’s ‘Call to Action’ inviting you to vote for them. Rather, it informs that the communication was produced in Southend, 245 miles away, and promoted by someone in London.

Easier to put in the bin

The Lib Dem leaflet is half upside down, suggesting it’s supposed to be folded in two by the recipient – and then put in the bin. Candidate Jake begins by telling us, ‘For too long this area has been ignored.’ In keeping with the precedent, we shall ignore him and his leaflet, other than to mention that in the excitement of the by-election run-up, some of the photos of the leaflets are blurred and have been unblurred by AI. This struggles with the worst of the smudges, especially upside-down writing. Please ignore any spelling mistakes; it’s the AI.

For grown-ups

Restore’s leaflets are nicely presented and wordy, as if aimed at adults who take their politics seriously. There is a personal policy-heavy message from candidate Rebecca Shepherd and another from party leader, the high-profile Rupert Lowe MP.

One of these folds into a handy ‘We’re Voting to Restore Britain’ poster to be put in the window, and trigger, not the neighbours, but the snowflake sixth formers parachuted into the constituency to canvas for the Left.

Giving propaganda a bad name

This brings us to the anti-Reform leafleting, which allows Burnham to spend twice the amount allowed for by-election candidates. Ignoring the worst of the spelling, which is the AI unblurring, this is supposedly from an organisation called ‘Stand Up to Racism’. Reform are labelled as Tories, millionaires, racists, tools of the rich and Trump lovers.

Candidate Robert Kenyon is smeared as an anti-Semite and a racist, and a far-right, woman-hating, Donald Trump supporting, climate change denying anti-vaxxer. Disgracefully, the leaflet includes a picture of a man dressed in black with a cap and wearing a British Union of Fascists armband. Funded by the trade unions, might a controversial out-of-control government strategic communications and propaganda section have a hand in such things? Hmm.

Reform UK

As for Kenyon himself, Reform UK’s leafleting includes a picture of the candidate in his white plumber’s van alongside a small number of large print bullet point commitments. Another communication includes a lengthy personal message from Nigel Farage.

The leaflets also remind voters of the closeness of some of the polls to Labour and show graphically that Reform is the only party that can beat Burnham.

The Great Leader?

Which brings us to the man of the moment, the great (mascara) man himself, Andy Burnham. His leaflets make little mention of the Labour Party and no mention at all of his party leader (for the time being), Keir Starmer. The candidate is referred to as ‘Andy’ and makes endless use of the word ‘us’. One assumes the entire electorate grew up in a Cheshire village, attended Fitzwilliam College, Cambridge, and has never had a job beyond London-rules politics.

Unsubstantiated claims of life in Kubla Burnham’s Greater Manchester Xanadu are listed in idiot graphics for five-year-olds, with the promise that this can be repeated in nearby Makerfield. Andy sends a ‘personal message’, addressing his would-be constituents, 200+ miles away from his intended destination of Downing Street, as ‘neighbours’. Ignoring the AI spelling mistakes, La Burnham makes a tempting series of specific commitments to the constituency.

Will this be enough? Yes, according to the bookies. Is it depressing? I suppose so, but in a remarkable coincidence, the gods of printed nudge include a tempting antidote. Among the leaflets forwarded by our fellow traveller lies an obvious solution, a redress oft used by our fellow Puffins: a big ship heading somewhere warm. Tempting.

PS: Notice anything missing? Yes, anything from the Conservatives who are hoping their voters will allow themselves to be leant to Reform. Expect the reverse to be happening in the other (ignored) by-election where the Tories may unseat the SNP in Aberdeen South.
 

© Always Worth Saying 2026