Uncle Benny has got one!
Many years ago I was invited by two well-known MP’s to write some articles on the subject of Israel. To be frank I screwed up the relationship. I guess I was too “outside the norm” for staid Conservatives. I didn’t understand the protocols (!).
My article on “The Zionist Lobby” never got printed but I found the draft and have decided to flesh it out and bring it up to date. Still can’t understand why it was rejected.
I phoned Uncle Benny in Miami yesterday to get his perspective on the Zionist Lobby in America.
“Benny, is that you?”
“Shloimi –baby nice to hear from you. For what do I owe you this pleasure? Money? Power? A date with Betty Frankel?”
“Benny I’m writing a piece on Israel for some friendly MP’s…………..” Phone goes silent and sounds as if it’s been dropped! “Benny! Benny! Are you OK?” I hear a shuffling sound and Benny comes back on the phone.
“I’m OK! It was just the shock hearing ‘Israel’ and ‘friends’ in the same sentence.”
“Benny, tell me about the Zionist Lobby over there?”
“Oh you mean the one in the entrance hall that I decorated with photos and press clippings from Israel I’ve got some great photos of Moshe Dayan and tanks”
“No, not that one”.
“MP’s eh? I guess this is going to cost me from the slush fund. We’ve already been told to make standing orders to the Clinton/ Obama/Biden fund for all the fucking good it did. Trump at least paid off. I’ll have to call Yossi in Israel and get them to send more money to you.”
“That’s the Zionist Lobby I meant! People keep on about ‘Zionist Lobby’, ‘Jewish Lobby’ and ‘Israeli stranglehold on the USA’ “Jews control everything”. That’s what I want to write about. Give me a story, something credible I can write”
“Stranglehold? Did I tell you about the time I did a weekend in Vegas and there were these two cureveh sisters, shvartze’s who had a strangle fetish………..”
“Benny!! I don’t want smut about your sex-life”
“Kiddo, you know that old joke about how you stop a nice Jewish girl from having sex?”
“Yes, you’ve told that one a thousand times. Marry her!
By the way how is auntie Miriam?
Tell me about The Lobby.”
“Well, it was in the 1950’s. This guy comes up to us in the synagogue and says we gotta find ways to change the way people act towards Jews and Israel. You need a blueprint for taking control. We have to own everything and in that way we can run the country, any country. He brings out this book called ‘The Protocols of The Elders of Zion’ and says this is what we need to do. We had a quick read but its all in fucking Russian and only Boris Belinski can read it. He explains things and we agreed that we needed to take some action. So we formed a committee and made plans”.
“Benny I can’t tell them that, they won’t believe it!”
“You want the truth? That’s the story they believe. OK, tell them this. Tell them America is a country built on immigrants and people striving for better things. Remind them that people fleeing from persecution often don’t speak good English and that makes them need to stick together to help each other. No different from the Wops and Paddys.
When a community makes its children study instead of hanging around in gangs, and when your kids are treated badly for being different then you take their pain and channel it into something positive. You make them strive to leave behind your poverty and your alien label and become part of their new home and country.
Our problem was that the more we were persecuted the harder we tried. Compared with other groups we over-achieved. We did well in Business, the Law, the Arts and Politics. We supported each other!”
“Benny, are you sure you aren’t a closet Conservative with all that ‘opportunity and social elevation by effort’ stuff?”
“Well I have been called a Neo-Con. Is that the same thing?”
“Well………. Yes ……. No ……. I’ll have to think about that one!”
“Benny, while I’m on the phone what did you think of Biden’s visit to Israel….”
“That fucking shmuck! He didn’t even know what day it was. Says he’s going to ‘keep alive the truth and honour of the Holocaust’. The mumza! It happened. We know. Just leave it alone.
He’s a puppet controlled by that antisemitic piece of crap Obama and his husband Mick. A bullet to the brain would be a waste of lead.”
“Uncle Benny, you used to be a Democrat. Have you just given up 30 years of self-hating?”
“This lot ain’t Democrats. They’re Commie, Marxist bastards who hate America. They got this new book by Sanders & Warren called “Protocols of AOC and other dumb bastards”
“Benny, surely that’s a myth too”
“Have you seen what’s happening in America today? Can’t even afford to marry the kid off. Half a million for a wedding? No can do, baby. I’d rather he ran off and married a shiksa. Can’t sell the yacht because of the price of diesel I’ll get pish for it. And aunt Miriam is thinking of selling………”
“Uncle Benny, you’re boring me! You own half of Queens. I’m not kvetching for you. I have to go”
“No wait boychik! I haven’t asked you about what’s happening over there? How are Spurs going to do next season? And what’s with that Chelsea manager tuchus? What a bum.”
“Its Tuchel and he’s a German”
“Fuckin Nazi! We hear your Boris resigned over a birthday cake. What’s the story?”
“That’s true and now they are choosing a new leader to be Prime Minister”
“Any Jews?”
“No”
“Not interested. Bye my little mundelen”
Translations:-
Cureveh – prostitute
Shvartze – Black
Boichik – as affectionate friendly greeting
Mumza – bastard, c*nt
Kvetching – crying
Shiksa – non-Jewish woman
Tuchus – bottom, bum, butt
Mundelen – soup nuts – used affectionately
© Lugosi – with self-deprecation DNA leakage. November 2022
