St. Puffin’s End of Term Report

Sweaty Dave, Going Postal
© Going Postal 2019

Report to the Governors of Saint Puffin’s School for Disorderly Children.

The Autumn Term is always a busy time, here at St. Puffin’s. The election of Head Boy having taken much of our attention in recent weeks, we are all relieved that the pupils chose the right candidate, though some would have preferred someone more independent.

Sickness has been high this month, with man flu, novovirus and real flu taking their toll. Those that are suffering various ailments are in the main not wanting to make a fuss, a brace of tealights usually being sufficient comfort to the needy.

The Bursar has informed me that the bank have asked that we no longer accept fees in small denominations. Mr. Hogz will have to cash the arcade takings in another location rather than offload it all on our hardworking finance staff. We are also no longer accepting ‘Tings’ in lieu of payment.

Mr. Whoosh, our transportation leader has promised to purchase a bus and not use his Mercedes lorry for taking classes on trips any more. The last one ended in an unfortunate incident whereupon the pupils were mistaken for illegal visitors, as they decamped to the toilets at Clacket Lane Roadchef.

Buildings supervisor and Caretaker Bob Crow has undertaken to take more care, promising to demolish only empty buildings in future. The Art block was graced by his high reach excavator during a fourth form still life exam early in the month. Grades were affected by the falling masonry.

Dr. Ackroyd has finally stepped down from reviewing the weekly Politics and wankery debate. We wish him well and pray for his swift recovery.

JWP – Local History has highlighted his keenest student – a Master Zip who has been able to continue his 100% attendance record with fervour and vim.

Miss Woolf (Economics) and O. Trout (Maths) report ever increasing interest in their topics, though Monday mornings do still raise some moans and groans.

The English Language team EOL and DH (Scottish), continues to entertain the pupils, who, despite understanding less than 10% of what is taught, nevertheless adore the prose.

English Literature (Dr. B. Periphery) continues to win awards, with the Nemesis series being widely acclaimed as a true gem, standing out from a strong field of competitors. Sir Bill Q, who also works in the department, is always read avidly by those that do not comment. Tachy’s prose completes a department of high acclaim.

Our Chaplain, Rev. Bastard continues to serve his flock in his own style. I’m sure the council investigations will come to nothing. Verger 1642 is a welcome replacement for Sunday Enlightment, when the Reverend is suffering from the Communion wine.

The Geography and Espionage trip to Lille with Dr. AWS was well subscribed. We hope that the attendees will finally get to the point before the end of term and return safely.

Mr Cross, our world traveller is promising more postcards in the future, to help guide those of you allowed to leave the school grounds during the holidays.

Veterinary studies of Larry the cat are proving fruitful for Mx. Gooner and we hope to see more articles of that nature in the new term.

The Crafts and metalwork teacher Mr SD has been conspicuous by his absence this term. We regret that his dalliance with real steam engines seems to have distracted him from project work. This has been more than compensated for by the diligence of our Interior Design expert, Mr. Upset.

Dear old Mr. Bobo has volunteered to run the end of term disco on Friday evening, but in light of last year’s outcome, we have declined his kind offer as most of the pupils were unfamiliar with the music of 1930s rural Armenia. We will instead call upon the kind assistance of Wallace Whiffer.

Finally we thank Dr. Puller for his weekly brain teasers, my new year’s resolution is to get more than three clues in any one week.

In the kind words of our Trustee, Swiss Bob, may we wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

© Sweaty Dave 2019

The Goodnight Vienna Audio file