Meet Bill and Chiara. Bill and Chiara are genuine refugees from the aberrant dictatorship of Tortuous Mong. Dissidents living in exile have nicknamed Tortuous Mong “The Nerve Agent” because she shattered her own people’s nerves. Mediocrity is the only extraordinary thing about Tortuous Mong: an original thought would not form in her mind even if her life depended on it. It has been whispered, though, that such a degree of ineptitude requires hard work. Who knows…
Finding sanctuary is difficult as many countries are now also run by aberrant dictators. Rance quakes under the iron fist of a Scottish lady boy called MacRunt. Faustine Turdo, a Cuban lesbian, brutalises Tagada. Germwarfare, being Germwarfare, had to outshine everyone: its current despot is an evil, wobbly creature from the very pits of Hell known as Adolfa who claims she is the love child of Josef Stalin. This so incensed Josef the Terrible that he rose from the grave just long enough to shout that old-style dictators had standards.
The world instability engendered by aberrant dictators prompted the New Model KGB, led by Czar Volodya Shutin himself, to develop You Know What, a mysterious substance which purports to drive wicked politicians so mad, they have to be sectioned for their own protection. You Know What is completely harmless to ordinary, decent citizens, RP included. You Know What and door handles have special affinities, a sort of love at first sight, if you like. Unfortunately, New Model KGB scientists suspect that two exceedingly bright British politicians might be immune to You Know What. It was recently suggested in a scientific article that this could be due to their size or mathematical genius.
British dissident networks abroad have managed to get hold of vast quantities of You Know What and smuggle it into Britain. Bill and Chiara’s salt shaker is full of it and they also hide some upstairs in painted containers. Better safe than sorry: Bill and Chiara have also started studying black magic in the hope of learning a powerful spell to cast on Tortuous Mong. Today, they are drinking Champagne because it has just been announced on the radio that an arrogant left-wing activist and pseudo-journalist dubbed “the Great Flounco” publicly proposed to a hate preacher recently released from prison.
British dissidents abroad have been imbibing much champagne lately: a former prime minister and notorious liar impaled himself upon Nelson’s Column, singing “Tea For Two.” A prominent Brexitophobe and his fawning admirers took all their clothes off and danced through the streets of Tower Hamlets. That day, Bill and Chiara went down on their knees to thank God they had no television. Last but not least, a cabinet minister married her 22 cats at an atheist, transgender, Cathar shrine.
Much has been achieved; much, much more remains to be done. British dissidents in exile are teaching themselves patience. They learned from the masterpiece of the decade, a prophetic samizdat entitled The Unseen Path, that victory comes in small increments.
Apologies to Puffins who rightly complained about the absence of Leeds United reference in Jen the Blue’s tribute. I’m simply too retarded to comprehend the delicate intricacies of football.
© text & pictures Doxie 2019
The Goodnight Vienna Audio file