“I’ve been offered a new job”, confided Pooh to Piglet as they sat in the autumn sunshine in Hundred Acre Wood. “I wasn’t really looking for one, but a nice man from the BBC Department of Brexit (Thwarting Division) said they were looking for a fall guy to take over reporting the negotiations with the EU”.
“Fall guy?” asked Piglet, “Didn’t that ring any alarm bells?”
“No”, said Pooh, “He said it was because the job starts in the fall. Which is now. Nothing sinister in marking the seasons, even in americanese”.
“Are you going to be working on your own?” asked Piglet, a frown creasing his little pink face.
“No, they already have a full staff waiting for me. My chief of staff is a nice man called Dog-Strangler Hezza, tea-lady and liquid refreshments is Soo Berry, PR is Miranda Blair, and Legal Obfuscation and Deniability is job-sharing duo Milne and Starmer. Twenty four hour cover, as Mr Milne doesn’t do daylight.”
“What does this job involve then?” enquired Piglet.
“I shall become an international reporting bear of influence,” said Pooh grandly, “I will cover the EU negotiations and have the stuffing knocked out of me by Andrew Neil, but in a good way, and have carte blanche to agree with anything the EU says. Apparently, this will lead to there being a People’s Vote and Brexit being strangled at birth. Which is where DS Hezza comes into his own”.
“I wouldn’t bet on it”, said Piglet, “An awful lot of people are expecting their referendum result to be carried out even if it means a bunch of lefties, luvvies and faux-conservatives having to face up to reality outside the London metrollops. Don’t believe everything you hear on the BBC. Come to think of it, don’t believe anything you hear on the BBC. Have you signed anything yet?”
“Not yet”, said Pooh, “I was going to ask Owl’s opinion about the remuneration package, which involves an offshore honey arrangement via a personal service company to minimize tax. I understand BBC employees swear by it”.
“I think you’ll find BBC employees swear at it, Pooh”, pointed out Piglet, “Especially after HMRC took a dim view of their definition of tax avoidance. You have neither the deviousness nor the ability to lie convincingly to make a success of this job.”
“Perhaps you’re right,” sighed Pooh, “Want a game of Poohsticks?”
“Could be the new motto for the BBC”, muttered Piglet.
© Madam Revenant 2018
The Goodnight Vienna Audio file