To : Owen.Smith.MP@parliament.uk
Re :Advice for dealing with ISIS Jihadists around the Conference Table.
Dear Mr Smith,
In the unlikely event of your attempt for peaceful Negotiation breaking down over the Arranged Basket of Summer fruits, One should never be without his cat skin dueling gloves dipped in shattered resin and his trusty grandfather Pendulum Clock weight, dropped down the leg of ones 72 button fly buck skin pantaloons .
Steel fish hooks sewn into your smoking Jacket by your Jermyn Street tailor , are worth their weight in gold when in peaceful constructive talks with Bestial Religious Maniacs.
Forgive my impropriety Mr Smith, but you should take the liberty of eschewing your regulation timber snuff box and replace it with one constructed from lingnum vitae, a hardy flush grain that will prove to be a redoubtable piece of kit upon the Craniums of your ISIS adversaries, during any hiatus in peace talks.
Moreover, you can add to your arsenal with the canny sharpening of a briar churchwarden pipe to a keen edge That would have Cable streets Jack Spot weeping for his Nanny, never mind a crazed Generalissimo from the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa.
Once in the Boardroom With ISIS , Your Aides may wish to secrete A few Maris pipers studded with razor blades in a secret pocket in their cumberbands , should in the unlikely event , Your opposite number try to hang you from the Ceiling lights by your nipples.
P.S..A Stove pipe hat with a leaded piano leg in it, may prove to be a fruitful option if world peace hasnt been reached by the time The custard Creams have been served.