Larry’s Diary, Week Three Hundred And Twenty Five

Monday

Good morning, my friends, and welcome to another week’s worth of tales from your favourite cat reporter. The weather here in London is really rather nice this morning, sunny, dry, and getting warmer. The man on the radio, while I was eating my bowl of Felix, said it is going to be a nice week. However, it is not looking to be a good week for Legohead, he is supposed to appear in the Commons today to tell “the truth” about the Mandelslime vetting saga. I can tell you he is not happy and has been acting out various scenarios in front of a big mirror since he got back late yesterday afternoon.

The guys in the office have been running a book on which excuses and which of his stock phrases Legohead will say in the Commons today. The favourite is “The civil service didn’t tell me”, followed by “Morgan McSwindle didn’t tell me”, “Mandelslime lied to me”, “it’s all the fault of…” (enter your choice of Reform, the Tories, or the SNP), “14 years of Tory misrule”, “breakfast clubs”, “shorter NHS waiting lists”, and “the dog ate my homework”.

On Saturday, over 600 illegal immigrants arrived in small boats from Europe. I suppose that now the weather is improving, we are about to be inundated with the usual summer rush. But the difference this time is that around 200 of them started their journey from Belgium. Here, the story gets weirder, it seems the Belgians escorted the illegals along the coast to the border with France, where the Frogs took over and escorted them to the British half of the Channel. So now we have a conspiracy to dump unwanted immigrants from the EU onto us, and Liebore wants to get closer to the EU and free movement.

I learn from an impeccable source that the Ginger Growler and Mascara Man from Manchester have been meeting to plot their takeover path to Number 10. The only problem is that Mascara Man failed in his attempt to get into Parliament, and the Ginger Growler is still in disgrace over her dealings with HMRC. They will need to do a lot more plotting to get to the reins of power. At the same time, I hear that up in Scottishland, Anus Anwar has been on manoeuvres again. You might remember that when the Mandelslime story broke, he called for Legohead’s resignation and has since been keeping a low profile. Well, now Legohead is in trouble, Anus Anwar is again calling for him to go. Perhaps all three should join forces.

Yet another attack on a synagogue at the weekend. This time it was a failed arson attempt in Harrow, and two men, one 17 and one 19, have been arrested. Interestingly, the police seem to be telling us that the suspects were hired to try to set the place alight. If the suspects had been hired and were not actually antisemites, then we need to urgently know who it was that hired them.

Here is an interesting little snippet I learned today. It is only appointed civil servants who have to undergo vetting, and only those in very senior posts who undergo the higher Developed Vetting. If you are an elected politician, you can rise to the highest positions in government without any vetting at all. So, as a member of the Communist Party, you could be a Secretary of State or the Prime Minister and know all the country’s official secrets. Can this be right?

Another interesting tidbit I learned over the weekend from overhearing a discussion on the Strait of Hormuz. While we might run out of natural gas or aviation spirit, it is highly unlikely we will run out of petrol. Apparently, we are a net exporter of petrol, as the North Sea oil is a fine, light crude particularly suited to be turned into petrol at our few remaining refineries. The only problem is that, because of its suitability, we produce little of the grades lower down the spectrum like heavy fuel oil, heating oil, diesel, and aviation spirit, they could be in short supply.

Tuesday

Hi folks, yet another lovely day, and I am not talking about the weather. After Legohead’s disaster in the House yesterday, this morning’s papers, including the left-supporting ones, have been scathing. Oily Robbins is up before a select committee later, and there is to be an emergency debate on the Mandelslime appointment in the Commons this afternoon.

I spent yesterday afternoon in the office watching Legohead putting on a performance in the House of Commons. I thought he was believable while he was reading from his pre-written script, but when he got on to being questioned by opposition MPs and some of his own MPs, that was when he started to struggle. He was back to the normal PMQs Legohead, stuttering, diverting, not answering the question that was asked, and repeating that he had been lied to and he only found out last Tuesday. If I had a bowl of Felix Chicken for every time he said that, I would be the size of a house. Tomorrow I will be reporting on Oily Robbins giving evidence to a select committee, that should be yet more fun.

There was one other thing I learned yesterday, the government had put out a list of friendly questions for its backbenchers to ask. At the bottom of the list, it said if it was revealed to the media, the person doing so might be breaking the law and subject to prosecution. Of course, the first thing several of the government’s MPs did was to tell the media.

I hear that Stellantis, the owner of Peugeot, Fiat, Citroën, Alfa Romeo, and Jeep, is now talking to the Chinese motor manufacturer Dongfeng. The idea is that Dongfeng will start making some Stellantis models in its Chinese factories. In return, the Chinese company will be allowed to make cars at unused capacity in Stellantis’ European factories. This is of huge advantage to both companies as it avoids import regulations and taxes in both China and the EU.

I have been trying to keep you up to date with the six cruise ships stuck in the Persian Gulf by the Iranian blockade of the Straits of Hormuz. I can reveal that when the blockade was lifted temporarily on Friday and Saturday, five of the ships, if not all six, managed to escape and are now in the Arabian Sea. The ships that have escaped are Celestyal Discovery, Celestyal Discovery, TUI Mein Schiff 4, TUI Mein Schiff 5, and MSC Euribia. The Celestyal ships were first out, followed a little later by the other three sailing together. The final ship is the Saudi-owned Aroya, which appears to have its tracker switched off but is reported to be headed to the Dubai port of Fujairah, which is in the Gulf of Oman. Reports say that the two TUI ships are going to return to Europe via South Africa, while the other three are likely to return via the Suez Canal, taking a chance on the Gulf of Aden and the Red Sea, and a possible attack by the Houthis in Yemen.

On Sunday just gone, the 19th of April, Sad Dick posted a message on X wishing everyone a happy and diverse St George’s Day. The message was accompanied by a photo taken in Trafalgar Square of a crowd of his supporters of various races and religions. Of course, his account was flooded by people telling him he had got the day wrong, and St George’s Day was, in fact, on the 23rd. Sad Dick then edited the post to say it was a diverse gathering ahead of St George’s Day. How can the Mayor of London get our national day wrong?

Reform UK have revealed plans for a future Reform government to review all people given permission to stay in the last five years and revoke permission in dubious cases. Of course, this has upset the lefties, because this amounts to having to review the 400,000 cases who have been granted leave to remain in the past five years. They say it will take ages to do the reviews, it will cost a fortune, and it is unfair to revoke leave to remain once it has been granted. Reform say it will only apply to the worst cases, like the paedophile allowed to stay because he had a right to family life.

Wednesday

Good morning, everyone, another lovely, warm, sunny morning here in Downing Street. It is Wednesday, so it is PMQs, and boy, am I looking forward to it. There was that humdinger of a performance by Oily Robbins yesterday, then Legohead sent out that wet lettuce, Darren Jones, to sit through the special debate in his place and parrot the party line. Finally, inflation has jumped from 3.0% to 3.3% this morning. Bad Enoch is going to have a field day.

Once again, I popped down to the office to watch Oily Robbins give his evidence to the committee. It was interesting that Robbins was put under pressure from Downing Street to clear Mandelslime quickly, as they wanted him in place before the Donald inauguration. Oily was quite clear, the power to appoint an ambassador lies with the Foreign Office and, in this case, the result of the vetting was given to him verbally, and he said he was told that Mandelslime was borderline. In discussions with the Foreign Office Security Group, it was decided that they could bring in mitigations that would make it a pass. He further explained that the FO was only under an obligation to tell the Government the result. I thought Oily came over much better than Legohead.

The US defence company L3Harris has recently received a contract to design and supply a torpedo tube-launched and recovered drone. The drone is launched from a standard 21” torpedo tube and can be recovered through the same tube. The idea of the drone is that it can fly above the sub, to which it is connected via a fibre-optic cable. It then allows the submarine’s sensors to be supplied to any friendly ship and land-based station. An interesting idea, but will the enemy not know that there is a submarine down there when it sees a drone in the middle of the ocean?

I read that they have a bit of an odd problem in Nepal. There has been a big growth in the numbers of tigers and rhinos wandering off reserves because of overcrowding. The animals have taken to wandering into towns and villages, often after dark, looking for food. I am a little disturbed that someone out for an evening stroll could bump into a fully grown rhino. I hear that the locals have taken to carrying powerful torches, which they shine in a rhino’s eyes to drive them off.

Yesterday, I was telling you about the cruise ships escaping the Persian Gulf during the short period the blockade was lifted. I can now confirm that the sixth ship, Aroya, has indeed managed to escape. It is now heading for its home port of Jeddah in the Red Sea. Like some of the other cruise ships that escaped, it now must run the gauntlet of the Houthis in Yemen to get there. I understand that it is going to offer a series of 4- and 5-day Red Sea cruises over the summer.

I have told you before that the Government plans to run down Freeview and shift free TV onto the internet. Freesat also looks to be on the way out due to the cost of leasing satellite transmission. The current favourite replacement is Freely, and I must admit I was surprised when one of the guys in the office added a Freely box to one of the TVs there. The picture was perfect, even for my old eyes, and there were loads of channels, I counted over one hundred. Today, I hear there are going to be another 70 by the end of the year, making it a proper replacement for Freeview. The big problem is that you really need fast fibre internet, not something the OAPs who just want to watch Coronation Street and Countdown are likely to have.

Yesterday afternoon, there was a long debate on the Mandelslime case in the Commons. I was surprised how many on the Government side spoke against the PM. I expected it from the Tories, but every opposition party was on the same side. I do wonder just how much support Legohead now has on the Government benches.

I have a bit of bad news for all you Larry lovers. When the Bank of England announced that they were going to replace the current famous Britons depicted on banknotes with pictures of wildlife, some of my supporters set up a campaign for my portrait to appear on the £10 note. Well, the BoE have declared that I am not eligible, as I am a domestic pet and not wildlife. I will have them know that I can get wild when my Felix is late arriving.

Thursday

Hello, folks, and it is a beautiful, sunny St George’s Day today. I understand that Legohead wants to send Parliament on its next break next Tuesday, a week early. The excuse is that there is little business going through, so there is no need to have the place open. But I hear differently, the word I hear is that he just does not want to face Bad Enoch at next week’s PMQs. The fact is that next week is likely to be another disaster for him. Morgan McSweeny is up before Parliament’s Foreign Affairs Committee on Tuesday. Not only this, but the predecessor of Oily Robbins, Sir Philip Barton, is also to appear before the committee, and the Ukrainian rent boys’ case is to be heard.

One little oddity this morning. There was a local by-election in the Barton and Winton constituency of Salford yesterday. Do not ask me why it was on a Wednesday and not the usual Thursday, I just do not know. But the election followed the death of the long-term councillor. The second strange thing is that the seat will be up for election again on 7th May. Anyway, the seat was gained by Reform to give them their first seat on Salford Council.

I watched PMQs yesterday, and it was the usual obfuscation and refusal to answer the questions Legohead was asked. Bad Enoch’s last question was when he was going to take responsibility and resign, something he just ignored. Another PMQs where Legohead was skewered, and the green leather benches behind him were very quiet.

I see that there is another problem brewing for Liebore in Croydon, where four Liebore activists have been charged with “conspiracy to commit an offence under the Criminal Law Act and the Computer Misuse Act”. They have also been suspended from the party pending the result of the case. From what I hear, the case revolves around claims that a party database was manipulated to help fix a candidate selection. In addition, Joel Bodmer, 40, who stood for selection as Labour’s candidate for the Croydon East constituency, has been charged with perverting the course of justice in relation to allegedly altering phone records. The candidate race for the parliamentary seat was abandoned in November 2023 amid alleged irregularities. It was then re-run four months later without Bodmer as a candidate.

I read that Aston Villa’s stadium, Villa Park, is to undergo some big changes to increase its capacity to 52,500 in readiness for it to host football matches in the 2028 European Championships. The North Stand is to close at the end of the season for a full season, and it will be filled in at a corner to meld into the neighbouring main Trinity Stand and add 8,000 seats. People with season tickets in the North Stand will be temporarily moved to other stands to allow the work to take place. I hear nothing about costs, but I bet it is not cheap.

In a place called Watchfield on the Oxfordshire-Wiltshire border, there is a solar farm with a bit of a difference, it was built from the start to encourage nature. The solar panels are mounted higher above the ground than normal so that sheep can graze below them. Once the panels were installed, on what was once an RAF station, the ground around and under them was sown with a mixture of grass and wildflowers. It was left to grow over the summer to allow ground-nesting birds a clear run and the wildflowers to go to seed. Then the sheep were moved in, who rather approved of the solar farm, lots of food and protection from wind and rain under the panels. I hear the sheep will be moved off until the autumn, when there will be lots of fresh food for them. One other inadvertent advantage is that the higher panels have proved much easier to maintain.

As a cat, I am not allowed to eat human chocolate, there is something in it that is poisonous to felines. But even though I do not eat it, I know that British people say that American chocolate leaves a vomit-like aftertaste. Apparently, the taste comes from the butyric acid used to preserve the milk in American chocolate, which is not used in Europe. Butyric acid is found in vomit, so I am not surprised people say Hershey bars have an aftertaste. Today, I learned something about butyric acid, it is the same chemical that produces that horrible wet dog smell, as it is produced from a dog’s anal gland. No wonder I hate dogs.

My last story of the day may be seen as a disaster by some of my merry readers and of no consequence to others. I read that a side effect of the closure of the Straits of Hormuz is a shortage of condoms. It seems the world’s biggest maker of them, who sell under the Durex and Trojan brands, is struggling on two fronts. Firstly, I had better explain that condoms are made from artificial rubber, and that is made from oil. So, a shortage of the raw product has led to them not being able to churn out their normal numbers. In addition, what oil the makers have managed to procure has been at a higher price, so that is being passed on to the consumer. Not that it bothers me, cats do not use condoms.

Friday

Hi everyone, yet another lovely, sunny morning with not a cloud in the London sky. Legohead is walking around like a zombie. Every time he says something, he seems to put his foot in it, like at PMQs where he went off script and is being accused of misleading the House. I wonder if next week I will be reporting that he is being investigated.

Gosh, it is getting depressing here in Number Ten, at least when previous PMs have been in trouble, they have had a friendly greeting for me when they bump into me. This one is the exception, he is grumpy and miserable, and I am not happy to be anywhere near him in case he lashes out. Maybe it is because everyone seems to be turning against him, even his cabinet ministers and MPs. But I think it is because he has misled the Commons during PMQs, not once but twice. They told people that Oily Robbins had said he had not been under pressure to clear Mandelslime, which was exactly the opposite of what he said. Then he said he sacked Robbins because he did not like his answers when he questioned him on Mandelslime. Today, I hear from “sources close to” Oily that he was phoned by Legohead, who told him he was sacked, and he was not asked any questions or gave any answers. Is this going to be more trouble for Legohead?

I see that there are more questions over Lord Hermer, the Attorney General, and his part in the prosecution of British soldiers over “supposed” war crimes in Afghanistan. Apparently, Hermer worked on the case pro bono, so that means he could walk away at any time. But when the independent enquiry cleared all the soldiers, pointing out that the whole thing was bogus and the claimants were all terrorists on the make, he chose to continue advising them. And this is the man Legohead made his Attorney General.

I see the latest YouGov poll has finally caught up with all the others and given Reform UK a 10% lead in the opinion polls, around double what it has been saying in all its previous weekly polls. The interesting thing is that the lead is over the Tories and the Greens, who are tied, with Liebore trailing in fourth place, 11% behind Reform. I wonder if this has added to Legohead’s grumps.

The Government has told the Commons that HMS Daring will be back in full service by the end of the summer. I told you last week that Daring was, at long last, out of its Power Improvement Programme and a major refit. As the first ship built in the Type 45 destroyer series, it is the first to undergo a refit. One thing is that it has had an additional 24-cell vertical launch silo added for Sea Ceptor missiles. Sea Ceptor is the naval version of the CAMM missile from MBDA, and apparently we have loads of them sitting in warehouses ready to equip the Type 26 and Type 31 frigates.

I suspect my next story will go down well with my scribe. I hear that the Arsenal Ladies are likely to make some big signings in the closed season. Unlike men’s football, ladies tend to sign much shorter contracts, one or two years are common, while men often sign for five or six years. When a player’s contract runs out, whether male or female, they become available on a free transfer. It looks like Arsenal is going to pick up at least three major internationals on this basis, England’s Georgia Stanway, Switzerland’s midfielder Géraldine Reuteler, and Spanish defender Ona Batlle. In addition, Arsenal striker Stina Blackstenius signed a new two-year contract this year.

How often do you turn off and restart your mobile phone? A recent bulletin from Samsung says its Galaxy should be restarted once a day. However, Apple seems to suggest that it helps to restart its more recent iPhones once a week. It frees up memory and shuts down unnecessary apps still running in the background, consequently speeding up operating systems. However, Apple points out that if you have your phone set to accept automatic system updates, which normally are issued once a month, your phone will automatically restart itself when it installs the update, so a weekly restart may not be necessary unless your phone is having problems.

Saturday

Morning, my friends, yet another sunny morning, and it is peaceful here in Number 10. Legohead went off to Chequers yesterday for discussions on how to handle next week after all the fuss of this week. He is even putting the Commons into recess early for the new session. It looks like he wants an early closure to skip PMQs. The Assisted Dying Bill ran out of time on Friday and was lost. The Northern Ireland Troubles Bill is looking dodgy, but there might be a carry-over bill to take it into the new Parliamentary session, but it is so contentious that it might not get the support needed from Liebore MPs. I understand there are 17 bills currently in the Commons and in the Lords, but the government has only tabled three carry-over bills. So, a lot of the proposed government legislation is going to be lost or will have to restart from scratch in the new session.

I was not surprised when it was announced that we have signed a new agreement on illegal immigrants with the Frogs. It was always going to happen, it was just a case of how much we were willing to give them. Shabana Mahmood said she was going to negotiate a deal based on performance. So, what have we ended up with? A rotten deal that pays the Frogs for three more years of the same as before and for the same cost, £500 million. But this time there is an extra £162 million for performance. The Frogs have got the additional money they wanted, and still no froggy policemen will be getting their feet wet.

Three small boat immigrants who had claimed asylum have just been found guilty of the gang rape of a woman on Brighton beach. They arrived in June last year and carried out the rape in October. Then I hear that men moved out of asylum hotels have been put into a beautiful old country cottage in a village, and the locals only found out when one of the residents was charged with harassing a local schoolgirl. These are just two examples of what is happening when the Frogs do not do what we are paying them for.

The Yanks make a huge fuss about how good the F-35 stealth fighter is, but I understand that they only plan to procure 24 for domestic use this year. That is the same number of F-15EX fighters planned to be acquired this year. However, there is no planned increase in F-35 production next year, but I hear that there are requests for 129 F-15EX fighters next year and a total of 269 F-15EXs overall. If the US is buying the F-15 in preference to the F-35, I want to know why.

Royal Caribbean International has big problems on two of its biggest ships, Star of the Seas and Icon of the Seas. The ships have huge water parks at the stern, with six big water chutes on each. Many of the slides have transparent acrylic tubular sections, and back in August at least one failed, causing a person to be injured when they fell out. Now people sailing on the ships are complaining that four of the chutes are regularly out of use. Royal say the closure is nothing to do with last year’s incident, but have not said why the slides on both ships are closed.

One of the guys in the office is addicted to watching videos of spots, whiteheads, and blackheads being squeezed on the internet. He has some favourites, like some of the Far Eastern clinics and Dr Popzit, who also tackles some big cysts. But his favourite is Dr Pimple Popper, Dr Sandra Lee, but she has been missing of late. The reason for her going missing has just been revealed. She had a stroke, at the age of 55, while filming and has spent the last few months in rehabilitation, learning to get her hands back into a state where she could once again operate on cysts. I am pleased she is back at work, but I really do not want to watch her squeezing big spots.

I read we have contracted to help develop TRBM 155HG Sceptre ammunition. What is so special about this artillery round? Well, basically, it is the range, it goes about four times the distance of a conventional 155 mm round, some 160 km. How does it achieve this? Well, basically, it is fired from a howitzer, like a normal 155 mm round, but just after emerging from the gun barrel, a sabot drops off, stabilising fins pop out, and a ramjet motor kicks in. The ramjet burns diesel or kerosene and pushes the shell up to Mach 3.5 at 65,000 ft. Of course, the need for liquid propellant reduces the space for explosive in the warhead to around 5.2 kg, but this is countered by the shell being steerable by GPS, INS, and AI, making it extremely accurate, with a CEP of around 1.5 metres. A round is more expensive than a standard NATO round, but its accuracy at range makes it financially viable.

That is me finished for the week, and it is still warm and sunny in London. Now it does not get dark here in London until after 8 o’clock, I have plenty of time for my snooze. The weather has got better this week the nearer we have got to the weekend. Today it has been rather nice, and hopefully it is going to be similar next week. I am off to my favourite windowsill. Chat to you all again next week.
 

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