Jack and his Giant Stalk

Venue: Brick Lane Music Hall, Silvertown

I haven’t been to a panto since I took my nephews then aged 4 & 6 to one (I forget which) in Colston Hall, Bristol (can we say ‘Colston’ anymore? Hmmm…)
Guesting then was ‘Wolf’ from Gladiators. The eldest nephew turns 40 next year.
So, it’s been a while…
Some friends of ours had wanted to go; asked if Mrs ABS and I would like to go along too, we said yes and so ‘things were arranged’

I was expecting a theatre-type building, so the actual venue was a bit of surprise:

Built in 1857, St Mark’s church was given a Grade II listing in 1971, and then after a few years of neglect, it was given a new lease of life in 2003 as a music hall by founder, Vincent Hayes.
It carried the name over from his original music hall in the old Trumans Brewery in Brick Lane.

In the early days, the original Brick Lane Music Hall was given a supporting boost with an offer of an appearance from a long-term friend of Vincents’ – one Danny La Rue
Picture2

Now homed in St. Mark’s the interior has been given a full makeover as a 1920’s style music hall, complete with wooden floors.

The poster with Barbara Windsor’s name is genuine – she appeared at Brick Lane in its early days where, during a Q&A session, she met the producer of EastEnders…

Our table was set for 6 – there were only 5 in our party, so the chair to my left was vacant. I went off to use the loo and, on my return, there was a fellow sitting in the spare seat. A solo guest; a bit brightly dressed, I thought but hey-ho.
When I sat down, I couldn’t help but notice Mrs ABS was looking at me with an evil smile on her face; the rest of our party were grinning as well.
Hmm.
Our guest was quite a chatty, happy sort, but I soon started to get ‘pavilion end’ vibes.
Our drinks arrived; a cooler, shaped like a top hat, with a bottle each of Pinot and Prosecco.
“Do you three ladies all drink Prosecco?” enquired our guest.
“No”, said two of our group “us two are Pino queens; J. there (Mrs ABS) is a Prosecco queen…!”
“…and there’s a right queen sat here as well!” said our guest rather enthusiastically and pointing at himself (although the pointing really wasn’t necessary).

I quietly moved my chair three inches to my right, leaned over to the wife, who was trying very hard not to burst out laughing, and said under my breath: “You knew didn’t you”

My dear wife later said that the look on my face was one of the highlights of her afternoon…

There was a well presented, rather nice 3-course meal included in the admission price; there was also a bar on site so the punters could get well oiled relaxed.
We had booked the matinee show 2-5pm and, as it was weekday, the audience were mostly… ‘senior’.

But, to the Panto…
I have never been to an ‘adult’ version of a panto so had no real idea what to expect beyond the perhaps obvious ‘Carry-on’ type innuendoes.
Fine by me.
It started off with a bit of song and dance with all the cast on stage together, after that concluded, each character then made their individual appearance and introduction:
The ‘Spirit of the Beans’ – that’s a fairy to the rest of us although we’re probably not allowed to use that word.
‘Dame Fanny Trott’.
her son, ‘Jack Trott’.
his girlfriend, ‘Jill’.
his other ‘lady friend’, Daisy the cow (Jack assured us he was working this through with his therapist)
‘Poison Ivy’ – complete with an evil laugh. (well, it wouldn’t be panto without a character that we can all ‘booo!’ at, right?)
‘Ophelia Loosebottom’, the wife of the Giant and sounding as if she came from deepest Wiltshoire, moi dee-urr, and another ‘boo!, hiss!’ character.
… and finally, Fanny’s other son, ‘Little Willy Trott’, played by Vincent Hayes himself.

Very early on, the fairy Spirit of the Beans, with the use of some panto magic, turned Daisy the cow into a rather fetching young lady, and the fun began.

To warm us all up, there were the usual ‘safe’ (a.k.a. corny) panto jokes along a dairy theme:

“He criticised our milk, cheese, eggs and yoghurt! Said they were bad!”
“How dare ‘e!”

“You can never see milk being heated.”
“Really?”
“Yes, it goes really fast past your eyes”

“Skimmed milk is really difficult to make”
“How so?”
“It’s a bit of a job trying to throw a cow across a lake!”

The Dame arrived and altered the tone:
“I was married three times, you know:
The first one died while milking a cow. It was an udder disaster.
The second one fell into a barrel of varnish, tragic but it was a lovely finish.
The third left me, he was just too drunk to do anything, you know. <crowd laughter> Yes, that as well, so I put some Viagra in his tea – I didn’t get what I wanted, but it stopped him pissing on his shoes.”

There was a political gag:
Counting out the rent of £100 (We already know they only have £5 for this)
“1..2..3… How old are you?”
“23”
* Takes back money
“24…25…26…
How old is this dairy?”
“53 years old”
*takes back money
“54…55…56…”
Pauses. Looks at the audience
“Well, this works for Rachel Reeves!”

There was one very funny, well-choreographed slapstick routine, as well as lots of songs and dancing; at one point Daisy was captured by Poison Ivy (boo, hiss!) and placed in a dungeon while waiting to be sent to the abattoir.
Daisy wanted to brighten up her mood so turned it into an ‘ABBAttoir’. Cue a medley of ABBA songs with a dairy theme: ‘Mooney, Mooney, Mooney’ and ‘Gimme a moo after midnight’ and ‘Watermoo’

You get the idea.

The cast were amazing and were clearly enjoying themselves, but undoubtably the star of the show was Little Willy Trott, ably played by Vincent Hayes.
He was brilliant – with a deadpan, dry delivery and often ad-libbing much to the annoyance/amusement of the cast.

To the Dame:
“Your nickname was Rose”
“Rose?”
“Not very good on the ground, but really good up against a wall”
Dame tries not to laugh, but fails
“…are you actually going to say anything that’s in the script?”
“Nah. It’s not very good” (the script writer is Lucy Hayes, his daughter!)

He has been around theatres/music halls for over 30 years and it showed.

The panto ran for just under three hours with a short interval:
“We’re taking a short break now, so feel free to talk about us; ‘cos we’ll all be back there talking about you!”

It was a funny, entertaining afternoon – some of the song and dance routines left me a bit flat, although in fairness, I’m not a fan of them, but the humour, ad-libbing, line fluffing and insulting the audience audience interaction more than made up for it.

Next year’s adult panto is ‘Sleeping Beauty and the Little Prick’.

I can’t wait!

The cast