© Croxj 2025, Going Postal
When I handed in my resignation/retirement letter to the Head Teacher, Mrs Easthope, she agreed to move the usual end of term assembly from the morning to the afternoon. I wanted to give this speech, then the kids would break for Christmas, and they wouldn’t see me again for months afterwards. And so…
If Bob has done as requested, you’ll be reading this as I am speaking it… Cheers SB. (At the cost of a bottle of JD.)
A caretaker giving a leaving speech?…
I’m pretty certain the Head Teacher will give me a glowing introduction and… shuffling my papers
Thank you, Mrs Easthope, erm… that was really, erm… let me just cross that out…
Good afternoon, everybody.
I read, many years ago, that it requires fewer facial muscles to smile than to frown. I hope that, in my time here, I’ve raised more smiles than frowns.
So, what of my time here? Well, let me take you back to the very beginning, back to April 30th, 1971, when I first entered this school as a fresh-faced 10 yr old, swelling the Year 5 numbers from 7 to 8. With the addition of another, by the time we entered Year 6, we were 9. And for those of you doing the mental arithmetics, I’ll save you the bother, I’ll be 65 next birthday.
There was no technology in those days. No computers, no internet, smartphones, touchscreens, in fact, we didn’t get our first colour telly in our house till I was in the second year at High School, so, if you’ve ever heard me coin the phrase, ‘Back in my day, things were in black and white.’ They practically were.
But technology is all around us now. I mean, for instance, take this Year 6 photo,
(Holds up a landscape photo of Master C’s Yr 6)
It’s not actually a photo, it’s 5 photos, downloaded onto a computer and re-arranged to give this image we see here, photoshopped. Now compare that to my Year 6 photo.
(Holds up the image above.)
But technology is wonderful, because with a push of a button, you can all see it now.
(The image is now projected onto the large screen on the hall wall.)
The first thing to notice, no school uniforms, they weren’t required in those days, and the girls must have known there was a photo op as they’re all in pretty summer dresses, whereas we boys look like we’ve stepped off the cricket pitch, which is highly likely.
Well, I suppose we should call the register, not hard to do when there’s only 9 of you.
Starting with the boys at the back, going left to right, we have Richard W, Andy B. Now, Andy’s mum was the school secretary, and she likely took the photo. Though it’s that long ago, I can’t quite remember…
The gentleman in the middle is the Head Teacher, Mr Benson, or ‘Pop’ Benny as he was known, more of which in a moment.
The handsome devil next to him is… (smiles)… me, and the last in line, Ian F.
Moving on to the girls, and again, going left to right, we have Karen Mac, Janet Mc, she was the addition that brought the numbers up to 9, Julie R, Janet G. Janet’s mum was the school caretaker… oh, and Janet would go on to be our Rose Queen that year. And, last but not least, Angela G.
Mr Benson was the Head Teacher when the school moved from the old building, down by the bus stop, into what was then this new state-of-the-art facility, sometime in the mid-60s.
He was a big cricket fan, and in late winter he had us boys linseed-oiling the wooden bats and wickets then, for the first game of the season, he produced a brand new ‘cherry’, a proper red cricket ball. He always made sure we played the game properly and fairly.
So, why ‘Pop’ Benny? Well, Benny short for Benson, and if you look at the photo, you’ll see he was a red-faced sort of chap, and when he got angry, and boy, could he get angry, his whole head, neck and face would glow bright red, and we were convinced it would all go.. (shouts)… ’POP!’… (count, 1, 2, 3)… but it never did.
There were just four classrooms (points round hall) 1, 2, 3, 4. The then Class 3 teacher was Miss Fitchett and when she married she became Mrs Smith and took over as Head Teacher in 1990. She was still the Head Teacher when Miss C started in 2001. When Mrs Smith retired in 2005, she had been at the school 39 years.
When Master C started, the Head Teacher was Mrs Clarke, and ironically he would go on to be Clark House Captain*. Though, having said that, there wasn’t a great many to choose from. I believe it was between him and Billy, but Billy was never going to get a look-in… was he, Mrs West? (Mrs West, ‘No!’)
Then, just over 15 yrs ago, I was appointed caretaker, and the Head Teacher was Mrs Milligan.
And now, here we are today, and it’s Mrs Biscuits… (pauses and then begins to look flustered and shuffles papers)… sorry, erm, Mrs Easthope…
Who never misses the biscuits or cakes or sweets and was once spotted on Carol Service Evening, snaffling a mince pie whilst walking past the table without breaking stride!
Fifteen years as caretaker, eh? Well, the truth be known, I nearly didn’t last the proverbial 15 minutes. How come? Let me explain.
On my first afternoon, I was hoovering through the school and, on entering Class 5, I was confronted with the floor being covered in thousands upon thousands of tiny slivers of wood like splints, you know, when you get one in your finger, they really hurt. But no worries, because after some considerable time and effort, I managed to clear them all up and carried on my way.
On my second afternoon I was hoovering through the school and on entering Class 5, I was confronted, again, with the floor being covered in thousands upon thousands of tiny slivers of wood and, again, after some considerable time and effort, I managed to clear them all up and carried on my way.
But on the third afternoon, I decided to change tack. I decided that the first thing I’d do was to empty all the bins, as you’ve seen me do to this day. This has allowed me to see what’s in store but also, I’d decided, that if on entering Class 5 and yet again the floor was covered in thousands of tiny slivers of wood, I was going to turn round, go into Mrs Milligan’s office, hand the keys over, go home, never to return. But it wasn’t… was it, Mr Wood?
And here we are some 15 years later… well, no, here I am nearly 55 years later, as pupil, parent and caretaker.
So, what of the future? Well, Mrs C’s brother and family emigrated to Australia in 2011 and we’ve yet to visit so that’s high on the agenda, and there are other family and friends we’d like to catch up with and exotic places we’d like to visit, like Yarkshire and Wearside…
But, as many of you know, I’m only across the road so I’ll be back, for a Rose Festival or a coffee morning, in the afternoon… (looking at Mrs Easthope)… or is it a coffee afternoon in the morning? I can never get them the right way round… Oh, and I’ll definitely be complaining about the noise on Sports Day (waving a pointed finger at Mrs Barry)**… and why you aren’t cheering loudly for your House team mates, GO CLARKE, GO GREENS, GO CLARKE, GO GREENS!!!
It’s now, as I write this, that I must point out, this next bit hasn’t been organised yet. My intention is to go into school and Class 6 on the Wednesday before the Assembly and, with the aid of Miss Hall and Miss Patton, to run through the following with the kids. Mrs Ingham is the Class Teacher; Miss Hall covers her all-day PPA and Miss Patton is her TA. My plan is to have a ‘call and response’ between me and the kids… If I can pull this off… I’ll be biting my knuckles, à la ‘Eric Morecambe and André Preview’… Here’s hoping.
But before I finish, there’s just one more thing.
Me, “Do you want to know a secret?”
Oak, “Yeah!”
“Mr Croxj is not my real name.”
“Noooooo!”
“It’s Mr Bozz.”
“Mr Bozz?”
“Yeah, and my first name is Yoda, so what’s my real name?”
“Yoda Bozz but we won’t tell Mrs Easthope!!!!”
(..and if it does come off…)
That was brilliant, thank you Class 6… You’re looking a bit bemused, Mrs Ingham, well… you know what they say, ‘While the cat’s away the mice will play’ and so I must thank Miss Hall and Miss Patton for their assistance on Wednesday. Thank you, ladies… they were good weren’t they? Better than I expected.
And there, boys and girls and ladies and gentlemen, is one very good reason, among many I may add. That, I know… and you may well discover this too… (looks at all the kids)… I know that, from now on, whatever I do, wherever I go… this building, this school… these people, this community… will always, always… (points to right temple) be here (places hand on heart) and here…
So, once again, thanks for having me, it’s been a blast… oh, and I think I managed to raise more smiles than frowns.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year (puts hands together in prayer) and may God bless you all.
Thank you.
And it’s at this point I shall be saying to myself, ‘Hold it together, Croxj, hold it together, Croxj.’
But, it’s not quite the end… ’cos I’ll be back in on Monday and then, when I’m done…
@Guardian’s Quitter… no more get ups.
*All four Houses are named after the last four retired Head Teachers….
Blue House – Benson
Red House – Milligan
Green House – Clarke
Yellow House – Smith
(There was another Head Teacher between Benson and Smith, but she moved on to another school before retiring from there.)
**This refers to Sports Day 2022…
On Sports Day the whole school, barring kitchen staff, is out on the playing field. Mrs Barry, the School Secretary, was out there collating all the results. On returning back to her office, Mrs Barry fired up the answer phone to discover a call from a resident on the newly finished housing estate next door, complaining about… ‘The noise, shrieking. What’s going on?… Has somebody been killed?’… Fluffin’ numpty hadn’t realised they’d moved next to a school!!!
Let the party begin.
© text & images Croxj 2020
