Rule #1
You do not talk about the Uniparty *
Rule #2
You do not talk about the Uniparty *
Rule #3
Someone yells “Stop,” goes limp, or taps out, the debate is over. Any political discussion is pure theatre, and anything leading to useful action prohibited
Rule #4
Only two Uniparty members to a fight at any one time. Others can sit, stand or watch and wait their turn
Rule #5
Only one leading narrative at a time. The public are stupid
Rule #6
No real power is to be ever exercised, unless this is in line with the great supranationalist masters
Rule #7
Debates will go on as long as they have to, often it is best to drag things out as long as possible so that the injured parties die and no compensation need be paid out or legislation passed
Rule #8
You have to sound important and convincing even if your point is insignificant
Rule #9
Political will is to be reserved purely for any action or legislation that is not specifically in your party manifesto
Rule #10
Never forget that the electorate have power only once every 1,826 days
Rule #11
Always blame the opposition
Rule #12
If you happen to benefit from something the opposition has done, claim the credit
Rule #13
When in opposition only pretend. That way, you can’t be accused of hypocrisy when you gain power and carry out the same agenda as the former ruling party
Rule #14
Misinformation and propaganda are weapons of the enemy. If you use them, they are tools of effective governance
Rule #15
Never let a good crisis go to waste
Rule #16
Every party member has kompromat or dirt that you can use to get their support. Kompromat on the opposition party is only useful if they are in power
Rule #17
Hypocrisy is only dangerous if you alone are caught. As everyone else is practising it, you are safe
Rule #18
Don’t be afraid of bringing legislation that will anger or frustrate the public. There will always be a gold-plated pension or company directorship waiting for you
Rule #19
The gravy train runs on nuclear fission and is powered by the sun
Rule #20
Never criticise the civil service as they are your Praetorian Guard
Rule #21
Traditional party membership and values are purely for public consumption and PR purposes only. Your real allegiance is always to the Uniparty, the party of supranationalists
Rule #22
Continually deflect any negative public opinion by pointing to useless caveats. The bigger the lie, the better (e.g. the Green scam)
Rule #23
The more you are hated and despised, the greater your success. Populist politicians are an anathema to the Uniparty
Rule #24
You can be gay or bisexual, but you must be married if you want to lead your party
Rule #25
All sins can be forgiven, but sinning against the Uniparty cannot
Rule #26
Your role is to act for your masters – not to serve the people
Rule #27
Every man or woman has their price. There is no number small enough to define yours
Rule #28
The more you sit on your hands, the more effective you are. Effective action is dangerous as you may do something to offend the supranationalists
Rule #29
If in doubt, read the lobby group or think tank paper. If you struggle with understanding those, the BBC or Guardian website is a good choice for the illiterate
Rule #30
Never read (or God forbid understand the consequences) of any legislation you vote for
Rule #31
Do what you are told and shut up unless the party has given you a line
Rule #32
Don’t ever go off message, even if you look completely stupid. The party will support you. More politicians have ended up in the wilderness by doing so than anything else (See Liz Truss)
Rule #33
Forget public trust, Uniparty trust is all that matters
Rule #34
You won’t always know who the biggest party donors are, so keep schtum in case you accidentally offend any of them
Rule #35
You are only in your privileged position to maintain the illusion of democracy. You are not really needed as true government has already been handed over to the supranationalists
Rule #36
Every so often you will be required to partake in some crazy public PR stunt to make you look more human. This attendance is mandatory
Rule #37
No smoking. Hitler hated it
Rule #38
Anything you accomplish that is in the national interest is only allowed if it is an unintended consequence of a more destructive policy
Rule #39
The administration of expenses is a complex affair. The more creative and less transparent you are in approaching this jungle, the better and more rewarded you will be
Rule #40
Knowledge is power, guard it closely. Freedom of information is just a sop to democracy, few are allowed to get any actual answers by it
Rule #41
Rules are for other people
Rule #42
Journalists used to be the enemy, now they are our friends. Make sure you don’t piss them off (especially the BBC)
Rule #43
You can say anything you like in Parliament, except the truth
Rule #44
If all else fails, an honour or knighthood will cover it up
Rule #45
Never ever, mention the “C” word. Corruption
Rule #46
Just been elected? Feeling that flush of democracy in action? Just wait until you get to Parliament and you will discover just how powerless you actually are. You will do what you are told or else
Rule #47
Never forget – If democracy actually changed anything, we would ban it
Rule #48
If the public are hostile towards you we can always find another, friendlier, focus group or community for you
Rule #49
As a Uniparty member, the more bullshit, corporate speak and absolute drivel you spew, the more eloquent you are
Rule #50
Always remember that you are very important. So important, that a special place in the inner circle of Hell has already been reserved for you with your name inscribed on it
* (I’m sure this is not an exhaustive list by any means, it was a quick “Back of a fag packet” article. I’m sure the Puffinati can add to this. This article shamelessly cribbed and inspired from the rules of Flight Club).
© Rookwood 2025
