© Going Postal 2020
“Come and sit down,” said Kanga to Piglet, “I can see you’ve had an awful shock – you’re all a-tremble. I’ll make us a cup of tea and you can tell me about it.”
“Well,” said Piglet, “It started when Pooh suggested we went for a jaunt in Christopher Robin’s pedal car. I should have realised he was having one of his little episodes when he came out, draped in gold chains, wearing a baseball hat back-to-front, and trying to rap. He told me to drive because he was trying out his homie paw gestures, and he couldn’t do both. Next thing, Constable Hunt waved us down to stop.”
“Ah yes,” said Kanga, “Such a nice man. Shame Tigger thinks it’s funny to take the ‘H’ off his surname.”
“Anyway, he had barely opened his mouth when Pooh shouted ‘You is only stopping me because I is a bear, isn’t you? Do you know I is an MP? I know about this stuff.’ Nearly knocked me out with his hand gestures, and poked me in the eye while he was filming it on CR’s phone.”
“What’s an MP?” asked Kanga.
“Pooh said it’s a Minority Provocateur. Anyway, poor Constable Hunt could barely get a word in edgeways as Pooh accused him of profiling bears the minute they moved out of the Hundred Acre Wood. When he finally left, Pooh said, ‘He can’t get away with treating us bears like that. CR’s gonna hear about this. Imma send this video to the BBC’. “
“Shocking grammar,” said Kanga. “Then what?”
“I pointed out to Pooh that I wasn’t a bear, that I was, in fact, a very pale pink piglet. He said, not once he’d had a session on the video with Photoshop I wasn’t, and if I didn’t start identifying as a bear pretty damn quick there would be trouble.”
“Oh dear,” said Kanga, “We’re going to have to distract him with one of his other obsessions before he creates any more havoc. It’s been very hot these past few days – what’s Greta’s view on the latest weather?”
© Madam Revenant 2020
The Goodnight Vienna Audio file
