A series of handy tips for doing stuff around your house.
- Some bottles of finest Old Hooky beer
- A big hammer
- An excessively big hammer
- Bleed key (the one with 4 different size/types)
- Flat blade screwdriver
- A sock
- Laptop/computer device
- Spray bottle with water
Ensuring that your heating is working efficiently is a must have. Spending money on getting a man in, means less money to spend on essentials like beer.
You will need a qualified professional to install a central heating system, maintaining them is not difficult though and most tasks take no time at all to complete. This though is not what you tell the other half or the kids. If ever asked, just say it is a dangerous and complex man-task.
On your list of things to do for the last 6 months or so has been to sort out a radiator that is hot at the bottom and cold at the top. They still nag you every couple of months though even though you have said you will do it.
It is lockdown, so make the most out of it. The other half has been self-isolating with your in-laws for weeks, you though have the kids around the house, but you feel that strong urge to do a man-task. Problem is for this activity, you do need some privacy, so you can concentrate and ensure the highest quality job, and you do not want distractions putting you off your stroke.
So now is the time to tell the kids you are going to do that radiator job, as promised 6 months ago. Explain that it can be dangerous for them to be in the room you are working in as it could get messy with warm liquid flying about everywhere, and there will be a lot of stroking of hammers, so they must stay out.
Now, gather your big hammer and your excessively big hammer and other kit. Lock the door if it has one, otherwise put a door stop under the door so no one can open it, because, as ever, it is Health & Safety first.
The first thing you need to do is to put the excessively big hammer on top of a radiator, then use the big hammer to bang the excessively big hammer with gentle strokes for about 5 minutes. Take care not to damage the radiator.
At this point, open the door and tell the kids that this is thirsty work, and if trained well, they will get you a nice bottle of cold Old Hooky beer, which you can take into the room you are working in. Remember to lock the door. Enjoy the beer but also have a few strokes every now and again, pace yourself. It is quite acceptable at this stage to open your laptop to view a suitable video from your favourite “specialist” site to help you resolve the problem.
Once the beer is finished, you will need to replen, so use the spray bottle of water on your face, so the kids can see how hard you are working. Just open the door and say, “this is really hard work”, then you should get another bottle of finest ale. If asked what you are watching on the laptop, just say you have a “specialist” site open and it is helping you resolve the issue.
Retire back to your room and savour the taste of the beer, do not forget to keep up with your regular stroking, this is after all a complex man-task. Return to your video viewing, maybe this time watch a whole video and stop fast forwarding to near the end, we want to do a proper job, not a bodge one.
You will have been at this task for a while now, probably about an hour or so, and it will soon be time to to get the sock to wipe away any spilt fluid.
Bear in mind that all radiators have a bleed valve in one top corner to allow trapped air to be released. It is a square shaft inside a threaded plug (a round hole with a square inside it). Use the radiator bleed key or in some cases the flat-head screwdriver) to turn the shaft anti-clockwise to open the valve. This should be between a quarter turn and a half-turn. You will hear the trapped air hissing as it escapes.
Now, position the sock over the shaft to avoid unnecessary spillage and mess. There should be a few spurts of fluid and at this point turn the valve clockwise and the job is complete.
You may have quite a few radiators in the house, so every time you have the urge to complete a man-task, simply repeat as above in a different room.
Next time, we will cover battery and electric operated equipment.
© Phil the (ex) test manager 2020
The Goodnight Vienna Audio file