Mrs McRoper, class teacher, addresses the wide-eyed youngsters in the assembly hall.
“…and as you all know, diversity is at the heart of all we do here at Strathbolloch Primary. Through our visits to Glasgow central mosque, our regular school trips to Whitelee Wind Farm, our non-competitive sports days and the wonderful posters sent to us by the Scottish Transgender Alliance, we strive to ensure that when we send you out into the big wide world you are, above all, good global citizens with a keen sense of social justice.
“To compliment this commitment to equality and diversity, Police Scotland have sent a nice constable along today to talk to you all about racism, prejudice and the law. Now are you all going to be quiet and listen very carefully to what the nice constable has to say to you?”
The wide eyed youngsters speak in unison.
“Yes Mrs McRoper.”
“Splendid. Now constable, over to you. They’re all ears.”
Right then ya bunch o’ wee fannies. Jist so yeez ken – ah’m only here the day cos ah called the sarge a f**kin’ poof cos he couldnae manage a secon’ mixed grill doon at Wevvaspuns the other night. The c**t threw a right f**kin’ stroap. ‘Now you f**kin’ listen tae me fannybaws’, he says tae me. ‘Yer’ve jist earnt yersel a trip oot on friday mornen tae slaver oan tae a bunch a wee primary school c**ts aboot racism and aw that sortae pish. Who’s the f**kin poof tha noo ya fat bastert?’
Wee Kenny the probayshna brings a couple o’ they big boxes o’ krispy kremes intae the stashun every Friday mornen, so that’s whit ahm f**kin’ missen oot oan fer the sake o’ ya glaikit lookin’ wee c**ts.
Onyways. Aboot racism an aw that pish. Ah notice straight away there’s a wee chinky wean sittin’ near the back there. Ah’ve a pal over at Castlemilk polis stashun. PC Liang’s the c**t’s name. His paw’s a chinky but he acts an’ soonds exactly like the sort ae wee jakey bawbag he lifts fae tryin tae steal energy drenks oot ae poondies every day o’ the f**kin week. So yeez shouldnae judge that wee chinky lad at the back or that wee darkie bairn sat next tae the teacha cos tha prolly baith turn oot tae be jist as much o’ a wee schemey c**t as the rest ae yeez will.
Right, whit else did that crabbit bastert want me tae warn yeez aboot? Oh aye. Yeez have aw got tae stoap wi’ yer Homeophobia an’ aw that transphobic s**te. Ah want yeez aw tae follah Polis Sco’lan’s example an’ put a big poofy rainbah sticker on yer paw’s car and start paintin’ yer fingernails tae support the trannies. Ah tried tae paint mah nails but the f**kin’ nail polish wouldnae stay oan cos o’ the pure amount o’ grease comin’ oaf the fried egg an’ square slice roll ah wis eatin’ at the time. It wis a f**kin’ braw roll, mind. Pure f**kin’ magic.
Whit else? Aw aye, Islamophobia. That’s f**kin’ pure not oan. The wee paki boy doon at mah local kebab hoose is f**kin brand new. He wance stayed open an extrah hoff ‘oor cos ah wis runnin’ late an pure f**kin’ greetin’ oan a doner an’ chups. He sortet it right oot withoot makin’ tae much o’ a f**kin’ soang an’ dance aboot et. So Islam’s pure f**kin’ magic as far as ah’m concerned.
An dinnae ony o’ yeez be f**kin’ sittin’ there thinken tae yersels: ‘ah’m no twelve yet so that polis c**t cannae touch me fer nott’n’, cos yeez’d aw be pure f**kin’ wrang. If ony o’ yeez step oot ae line yer named person’ll come tae us an’ ah’ll be roond tae lift yer maw and paw fer fillin’ yer heids wi’ far right hatred. An’ then yeez’ll aw get put intae a f**kin’ orphanage or whatever the f**k they dae wi’ scuzzy wee basterts like yeez loat these days.
An’ ah bet it wilnae be the first time ah’ve liftet some o’them eitha. We’re never f**kin’ away fae this s**tehole scheme. F**kin’ crawlin’ wi’ junkies, thievin’ ned basterts an’ wife beatin’ alkies, ah tell yeez. Every f**kin’ day we’re oot here. Same f**kin’ story every time: “Mah man’s been oan the cidah an’ he’s threatenin’ tae kill the weans” or “there’s a used needle oan the groond at the weans’ swing park” or “some scabby wee smackheid’s run oot o’ the Tesco Extra wi’ a dozen packets o’ bacon.” F**kin’ unbelievable. Absolutely f**kin’ unbelievable.
Onyways. Ony o’ yeez c**ts want tae ask me a wee question aboot equality an’ diversity cos ah’m away in a minute.
The wide eyed youngsters remain wide eyed. Wide eyed and silent.
Suits me. Ah’ve got a question for yeez ‘afore ah head oaf though. Has that wee chippy roond the cornah got ony bettah recently? Ah could o’ arrested the bastert fer whit he wis tryin’ tae pass oaf as a battert jumbo sausage the last time ah wis in there……………….. Acht f**k it. Ah’d be jist as well stoappin’ at the Franky an’ Benny at Springfield Quay for aw it’s worth. Ah pure fancy a hale rack o’ smoky barbecue ribs, some spaghetti carbonara an’ a couple o’ they braw saltet caramel waffle freakshakes.
Right kids that’s me away the noo. See yeez aw later. An’ thanks fer the cuppa an they three packets o’ biscuits yer put oot for me earliah, Missus Roper. The Fox’s double choaclat cookies meant this wisnae aw a total f**kin’ waste o’ time.
© DH 2017