The Night of the Living Dead

NCVO London, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

As a small digression to this article I feel the need to comment about our dear leader first. It is an accepted truth that politicians need skin like a rhinoceros because of the criticism they get. Keith seems to be very thin skinned indeed. When he was asked multiple questions about Sue Gray he didn’t answer one of them. Instead he got redder and redder in the face. Whether this was from embarrassment or anger I leave puffins to make their own minds up. Anyhow, let’s get back to the real business in hand and take a quick peek at four others who need tough skins.

It was all supposed to be so simple. A beauty contest during the Tory Conference where the four remaining contenders could make their sales pitch and hope to get enough votes to make the final two. As if intent on continuing their “achievements” in government, three of them had a mare of a time. Sorry to those puffins expecting something about Hammer Horror films but this in its own way is a horror show.

One time favourite Kemi Badenoch blotted her copybook badly, Tom Tugendhat was less than inspiring, Robert Jenrick made all sorts of wild claims and James Cleverley (whom my best mate calls Mr Oxymoron) may have won by default because he didn’t slip up like the others.

Kemi Badenoch

The darling of the right claimed they lost the GE because the party had governed too much in the centre, I would contest the word governed, it was more like they were driven by events rather than being in control.

Kemi Badenoch said two weeks ago:

“I know how certain things might sound if they’re not said properly. So I never have gaffes or you know apologising for something that I said… I never have to clarify”. She then used the conference to disprove that assertion.

She then claimed maternity pay is excessive and minimum wage is over-burdening businesses. Gave an example of a cafe in her constituency. Pointing out that when there was no maternity pay people had more children Kemi forgot that there was also much less contraception in those days.

Then said up to 10% of civil servants are so bad they should be jailed. That’s about 50,000 more people in our already overcrowded jails.

Horrified Tories clutched their pearls even tighter at this display of far right thought. I am afraid I tend to think along some of these lines myself but there are far better ways to express them. An absolute list of own goals here, Kemi has no chance of becoming leader, probably ever. These claims will be saved up in a little black book somewhere. I think this will be for the best because I just do not trust her.

Tom Tugendhat

In a party full of grey people, Tom is one of the greyest.

Tom made a rather pedestrian speech at the conference, it has been called a a box ticking exercise.

Later said we must support Israel because it is LBGT friendly. When we have Queers for Palestine, it looks like logic is not something the MGB GT people subscribe to – Turkeys voting for Christmas springs to mind.

James Cleverley

Offered an apology to the party and the country for the turmoil in the Conservatives during the run-up to the General Election. Main message was conservatism with a smile.

The only one of the four who didn’t try to be outrageous, the biggest problem he has is that he is not very clever. He may just win by being the least offensive.

Robert Jenrick

Young Robert had a bit of a nightmare time when making his sales pitch.

He claimed the SAS kill terrorists rather than capture them because of the ECHR and the party’s problems could be solved by resuming the thoroughly discredited Rwanda Scheme. The Rwanda Scheme had only one objective and that was to kick the can down the road and pretend the Tories were doing something about illegal immigration. It had nothing whatsoever to do with deporting anybody.

Then he claimed we should display the Star of David at all UK entry points to show our solidarity with Israel. I would have thought the Union Flag would be more appropriate but what do I know.

Others claim the “Braverman right” will have him by the balls if he gets to top job though I am at a loss to explain why.

Robert granted planning permission for a £1 billion property scheme 2 weeks before the developer gave a £12k donation to the Tories. £12k out of one billion, these guys are so cheap but this may well return to haunt him.

When NikNak left the conference, Jenrick was moved to the former PM’s suite in the Hyatt hotel. His backers insisted this was not a presumption of victory but he had been next to Badenoch’s suite and they could hear each other through the walls. The mind boggles at the kind of grunts and groans that could be heard.

Finally

With the shower of brown stuff providing our government it is a mystery why the Tories were not going after them. Almost everything Keith’s administration has done has been a disaster. It is an open goal but was generally ignored. It would be difficult for a party including the fat Turk to point out sleaze in another party but Labour have made mistake after mistake. Whoever gets the job as next leader has to take on the socialist extravaganza occupying the government benches and there is surely more to come.

It is a complete mystery why three of the contenders had to make such wild claims and make them badly, were they aiming for what they believe  to be Reform UK’s position on various matters,

One Tory aide at the Spectator party (new editor the Govester) said “It’s like the night of the living dead in there”.

There was much infighting between the various factions and there is apparently still a Rishi Sunak faction. What on earth can they be thinking or perhaps drinking.

None of these lunatics realise the depths of hatred they have plumbed. However much Keith and his mates screw up, it will not necessarily mean the Tories will get back in next time. Maybe they will have seen the light at next year’s conference.

One very realistic Tory said “Even if Labour screw up badly we will need to win 40 or more seats off the LibDems and that is not going to happen when they are not in government”. This adds fuel to my premise that the smaller party in a coalition gets a disproportionate amount of blame for the conduct of the government. This theory has seen the almost total obliteration of the FDP, an almost perpetual coalition partner, in Germany and the 2015 debacle for the LibDems here.

Feel free to add any gaffes I may have missed in the comments, I for one will not be reading them anyway so you can be as rude as you like.
 

© well_chuffed 2024