Nanny Knows Best – Ep. 500

Grandmother” by I.Gouss is marked with CC BY-SA 2.0.

“What we have here,” Nanny said to the Judge, “is a blatant disregard for law and all social etiquette.” Nanny paced the Court-room and addressed the twelve Clients who sat in their padded, slightly ululating Chairs™, some farting and dozing, others gurgling contentedly as their IV drips slowly fed them sedatives and perfectly balanced Liqui-Meal™.

“As a society we have made great strides in Public Health. Our forbears consigned the Social Evils of smoking, drinking and obesity to the history books. Exercise has been prescribed and perfect nutrition implemented. The emotional stressors of social inequality – jealousy, envy, despair – have been eliminated.”

The Nannies murmured their assent as one of the Clients shrieked in delight when a fly landed on his nose and he clumsily pawed at it with meaty fingers. There was a beeping noise as a sensor in his Chair™ detected the secretion of dangerous levels of adrenalin in his bloodstream and an automated plunger squeezed down in a syringe and he was settled.

“Yet, this Client has gone out of his way to break the Abolition of Death Act time and time again.” He pointed at the defendant, his stiff, pale body wedged into the dock in such a way that it would not collapse onto the floor. “Despite being issued with a Cessation of Behaviour Notice when the Client’s Nanny returned to his home the following day, he found that the Client was continuing to indulge in anti-social behaviours contrary to life.”

An usher discretely stepped forward to swat some of the flies that were gathering around the ripe-smelling defendant.

“The Client was then given another opportunity to moderate his behaviour by attending a half-day Life Awareness session. His Nanny at the session reports that he was “Quiet, attentive and clearly reflecting on the experience.” But yet again, when his Nanny visited him the following day he was continuing to act in contravention of the Law and stubbornly refusing to live.”

The defendant stared at him with milky, unseeing eyes.

“Milord, I contend that this Client should face the full sanctions available to this court.”

The Judge considered the case before him. “The defendant’s continuing refusal to act in a manner befitting a progressive society are both obvious and foul-smelling. It is therefore the decision of this court that the defendant is guilty.”

The judge struck his gavel and the defendant was dragged from the Court, leaving a slime-trail of putrefying flesh behind him.

Nanny could only feel great pride in his work. For decades his forebears had struggled with keeping their Clients safe from themselves and their own unfathomable behaviour. Yet despite the taxes and bans and media propaganda nothing had really worked. Nothing, until the Abolition of Death Act. Indeed, the 100% conviction rate for contravening the Act was clear and quantifiable evidence of its success.

Nanny smiled and walked down the Courthouse steps, eager to continue his important work.


© James Burr 2021