Larry’s Diary Week Two

WorthingGooner, Going Postal

Monday

No more talk of getting a Dog to report, I can only hope they have shelved the idea. I will be extra nice to the Blonde and his female for the next few days in the hope that they forget it altogether. I believe she’s called Carrie but I still don’t know what he’s called. Why don’t they think to formally introduce themselves? It would be a lot easier, if they are going to live in my house, if I knew their names.  They had an early Brexit meeting with a load of people called Spads. I misheard it originally and thought they said Spuds. I wondered why a load of Tottenham supporters would be interested in Brexit. Well, it seems they are actually Special Advisors and have been told to go and get their departments ready for a WTO Brexit and report back in 48 hours. There was also a lot of moaning from some Civil Servant who have got to big for his boots. Over the weekend the one called Dom had had his desk moved to an obscure part of the building and he wasn’t happy. Dom told him to suck it up.

Dom

Lots of talk today of this thing called Brexit. “She” told everybody that she was a Leaver, but when she chatted privately to Spreadsheet Phil it was obvious to me that she wasn’t. The Blonde seems to be a Leaver, he has been plotting late into the night with his cronies. They all think I’m asleep or can’t understand them, wouldn’t they get a shock if they realised l was like one of those Amazon thingies and listened to every word.

She and Spreadsheet Phil

They have been discussing 31st October and can the Government survive until then without someone they call “The Tramp” calling for a vote of no confidence. The one called Dom says the Tramp has blown it and has left it too late. Even if the Tramp successfully gets his vote of no confidence the Election will be after the 31st so we will be out of the EU. I don’t really know if that’s good or bad, just so long as I keep getting my cat food in the morning and a bowl of water I don’t really care. A little later they were all having a good laugh about someone they called Grievous. Seems he thinks he can stop a No Deal WTO Brexit. Dom was laughing so much he spat his drink all over the Cabinet table. I’m beginning to like Dom.

Tuesday

I was woken up early by lot of shouting and whooping from the Blonde ones inner circle. At first I couldn’t work out what was happening, then it slowly emerged that someone called Stephen had reported that “the lot in Brussels”, whoever they may be, had accepted that the U.K. is serious about a WTO Brexit. They were jumping around saying “we’ve won” and “they will have to negotiate now”. I just curled up and went back to sleep. In my doze I half overheard in a conversation that we were expecting a Rat that morning so I popped into the garden to sharpen my claws on my favourite scratching tree. I must say I did a good job and I was all ready when some man came in the front door with the blond one. It turned out he was called Juri Ratas and he was President of Estonia, I wonder if I need my hearing checked.

President of Estonia

The Blonde one was jumping up and down and shouting this afternoon in the Cabinet Anteroom. I hid on the top of one of the bookcases so that I could listen. He was ranting about someone who I think he called “The Teashop”, calling him a thick Mick and saying “Why can’t he get it, the Treaty is Dead, it’s not not coming back, there is not going to be any exit fee and the f***ing Backstop has to go too”. Carrie calmed him down and Dom said he shouldn’t worry but if he really wanted to piss off the Teashop he should tell him we will be calling in our loans on 1st November. That got him chuckling and asking how much they owed and for recommendations for spending it. Then he told one of his underling to go and tell The Saj to drop a few hints to the Paddy Finance Minister he was meeting that teatime. All this Talk of teatime made my tummy rumble, so I crept off up to the flat to see if they had put my tea out yet. Chicken Felix tonight, one of my favourites, well anything with chicken is.

Wednesday

The Blonde one got home late last night and Carrie was a bit short with him, saying she wouldn’t put up with it if he was playing around. However, he pointed out that he’d been to somewhere “up North” called Boston, where he had been working. He said he had made several speeches about the NHS, visited Hospitals and Ambulance stations and if she put the TV on she would see it was true. She must have forgiven him because she gave him his Dinner and he slipped me a few titbits under the table. Not as good as my Felix but food is food. Everyone has been going around No 10 grinning today. It took me a while to hear enough to work out why. At first I heard that someone they were calling “Mac the Maoist” has opened his mouth and put his foot in it. If I’d seen that I would have been grinning like my cousin from Cheshire. Then it became a bit clearer that was not a physical thing, he had just upset all the Scottish Labour MPs and party members by saying he would back another Scottish Independence Referendum against their policy. I sneaked a look at the TV News that is always on in the office and heard that the Maoist had said later that a 2nd Referendum was “an irrelevance” just making things worse. The inner circle really like to see The Tramp and Mac the Maoist ripping the Labour Party to shreds. Dom said it’s only Labour, they’ll have another policy tomorrow. The one they call Grievous was also on the TV, saying that the Queen would have to sack the PM if he lost a no confidence vote. For some reason this made Dom and the Blonde one nearly fall over laughing. I didn’t get the joke. We seem to be getting a lot of posh visitors to No10, this afternoon it was the King of Jordan. I expected to see a man with a tea towel on his head but he was very short and wearing a suit. Well I wonder what’s for dinner tonight.

King of Jordan

Thursday

I was on the kitchen floor getting stuck into my breakfast (Whiskers with Chicken this morning!) when the Blonde one nearly exploded, spitting out his Sugar Puffs all over the table. He was reading a newspaper and when he had recovered he called out to Carrie to ask if she had seen the front page story. He proceeded to tell her that Mac the Maoist was talking about sending the Tramp, in a Cab, to the Palace to tell Brenda to make him PM. He then pondered if he would even get though the front gates, if he would have put on his best Track Suit to mark the occasion or would he be better turning up on his bike. Carrie asked if “his bike” was code for the Abbotpotamus! Looks like the Blonde one and Carrie have moved into the 4 Bedroom flat over No 11, leaving the 2 bedroom flat over No 10 for The Saj and his wife and kids. The whisper is that he is still going to live in his house in Fulham as he has 4 children and he will only use the flat for stop overs. That’s good news, I’m not sure I could have put up with 4 little children now I’m no longer a kitten. It’s hard enough with 300 people in the complex always trying to stroke me, it would be better if they fed me (chicken please) then I might tolerate them a bit more. More smiles this morning, Rabb (is that short for yummy Rabbit?) has reported back from the US that they want a Free Trade Deal for which the god king President has said he has a “Huge Appetite” (just like me). Dom and the Blonde One are in a good mood, I wonder if they will give me a bit of their lunch if I hang around and rub against their legs. The Blonde one is off on a trip again, I hear he is going to Oxfordshire to talk about Artificial Intelligence in the NHS. Dom said he’d be better off talking about intelligence in the Labour Party after Mac the Maoist’s latest utterances and the Tweet this morning. Talking about Tweets I’m off to patrol the garden I think there’s a new nest in one of the big trees.

Cats Week

I was having a cat nap this afternoon when one of the Blonde one’s underlings scooped me up and dumped me on his desk. Before I could jump off someone took a photograph. It seems it was a stunt for International Cat’s day. I would have preferred a nice bit of Chicken.

Friday

There was an interview on the TV last night with IDS, I always liked him, he always talks to me and occasionally slips me a snack. He said the Government had been having secret talks with a number of EU countries and quite a few were not happy with the way things were going. They were blaming Brussels Eurocrats. IDS pointed out that the U.K. was not a minor player and it was like 20 of the smaller members leaving so they would want a quick Trade Deal once we were out. One of the Civil Service Flunkies rushed into the Blonde One’s Office this morning waving a document. The Tramp has written a letter asking him to stop the U.K. leaving the EU with No Deal on the 31st October, if it was during a General Election campaign. He wrote that such a move would be an “anti-democratic abuse of power”. The Flunky was worried that the Tramp was encouraging him to break the law by disobeying the legitimate Government. The Blonde one said he was not to worry as he would win any post Brexit election and the Labour Party would consequently dump the Tramp quicker than a hot brick.

The Radio was on in the Kitchen when I was eating my Breakfast this morning. It was tuned to a programme I think they call Toady and they were interviewing an MP called “Chuck Up” who can’t make up his mind which political party to support. He was saying that so many of the Tramps MP’s hated him and didn’t want him to be PM that it was doubtful that he could win a vote of no confidence and that was why he didn’t call for one in July. I had a little smirk when someone repeated the story of a Kenyan Regional Assembly being suspended because somebody farted. Reminded me of a certain Labour MP who has a reputation for being able to clear a room. News on the Dog front. The Blonde one held a staff meeting to get them to vote on a Dog, all but 3 (and me) vote Yes. We shall see! The Saj has a Dog called Bailey and it has been seen round the patch already. It better keep away from me.

Bailey the Dog

Saturday

I don’t fancy going out today, the strong wind plays havoc with my fur. Still it’s either a quick trip to the garden or that horrible litter tray, so I guess I will have to chance the garden. The Blonde one has sent an e-mail to the civil service telling them that all leave is cancelled until the end of October. Not sure whether this is in preparation for Brexit or an election, I suppose it could be both. I’m just getting used to this lot and they’re saying there is a chance the Tramp could win and move in. I saw a picture in a paper of him with his cat sitting on his knee. I don’t like the look of either of them. Furthermore, what will become of me if he has his own “Chief Mouser”? The Blonde one and the Saj have been spending a lot of time together lately, talking about money. The Blonde one wants to spend a lot and the Saj isn’t sure where it’s coming from, they are going to hold a one year spending review. I don’t care what they do just so long as they don’t cut my food allowance.

Tramp Cat

I have been reading through my Diary entries and anyone reading it would think that I’m obsessed with food, well they’d be right. So I’m off to see if there are any scraps in my bowl. Sunday tomorrow and I think I’ll do the same as last week and have a day off from writing as it tends to be pretty quiet around here at weekends.
 

© WorthingGooner 2019
 

The Goodnight Vienna Audio file