Ah feel pure soarry fer that Brett Kavanaugh c**t.
Ah wance goat accused o’ sexshal horassmant an’ it wis a right f**kin’ cerry oan.
Some scuzzy wee junkie wumman who’d bin caught tryen tae steal a f**kin’ fray bentosh pie fae poondstretchah tried tae make oot ah’d pure felt her up when all ah done wis follah tha correct proseedyah an’ searcht her poackats fer smack an aw that sortae sh*te.
As soon as ah goat her back tae tha stashun she wis aw like: “Thiss f**kin’ perv wis pure tryen tae get a hondul o’ mah mutton. He’s a f**kin’ beast.”
Tha sarge jist telt her tae get tae f**k an we aw jist forgot aboot et.
But aboot a week latah a couple o’ they prufeshnul stondards c**ts turned up at tha stashun.
“Haw you, big man,” says tha snidey wee sh*te. “Some wumman’s writtan tae Polis Sco’lan complainen that ya grabbed her by tha fud. Whit ya goat tae say fer yersel?”
“Ah took twenteh poonds worth o’ smack oaff tha streets o’ Gleska an’ returnt a fray bentosh mince pie tae its rightful ownah ya pair o’ f**kin’ fannies,” ah says tae them. “Ah should be gettin’ a commendashun fae tha chief coanstabul, not this loadae f**kin’ pish. Ah’m getting tha polis fedurashun involved cos this is a pure breach o’ mah yuman rice.”
“You wrap yer pish,” he says. “We baleeve tha survivahs. We’re gonnae intahview that wumman in mair deetail then wheek you in fer questionin’ and thass hee haw ya polis fedarashun can dae aboot that.”
Ah wis pure sh*tin’ et an it stertet affecten mah wurk. Ah herdly managed tae spoat ony fer right hate crimes oan tha twittah.
Tha hale hing sortet itsel’ oot in tha end though. Tha wumman wis avenshally foond deid o’ a drug ovahdose en a smack den in Drumchapel an the inveshtigashun goat droapped.
Ah mind goin’ oot an gettin’ masel’ a pie oan a buttert roll an’ a peanut buttah kitkat tae celabrate. It wis pure f**kin’ magic.
© DH 2018
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