Piglet decided that he was going to visit his friend Pooh, as it was a bright and sunny morning in Hundred Acre Wood. He was somewhat discomfited to find the little clearing outside Pooh’s abode filled with large plastic bins, but no sign of the bear.
All of a sudden, Pooh came scampering up the woodland path, clutching a Stanley knife.
“No sign of a beard, he hasn’t called me an infidel pig, and no mention of Alan’s Snackbar”, thought Piglet, “I’m probably safe asking him whether he’s just joined a decoupage class or whether he’s lost his mind”.
Before he could say anything, Pooh said “High five, Piglet, I have just struck a blow in the battle against Global Warming!”
“It’s summer, Pooh, of course it’s warmer. When you say blow, are we talking metaphorically or do we need to call an ambulance for someone?”
“I have just let the tyres down on Christopher Robin’s dad’s car!” said Pooh excitedly, “No more Evil Particulates from that bad boy!”
“Stop it with the exclamation marks and mind where you put those capital letters”, said Piglet, “And I can tell you now that one set of punctured tyres on a Volvo isn’t going to give the polar bears any more sheet ice to roll about on. Since when have you subscribed to alarmist theories on natural phenomena?”
“I was watching a programme on that Greta Thunberg. She looked straight at me, Piglet, and she said, ‘I don’t want you to be hopeful; I want you to panic, and act as if the house was on fire’. I couldn’t find any matches, so I let the tyres down instead.”
“And what’s with all these bins, then?”
“That was inspired by Greta too. Her mum said Greta can actually see carbon dioxide belching out of chimneys and such, so I’ve got the bins to store the carbon dioxide in”.
“Three things, Pooh,” said Piglet, “One: carbon dioxide is an invisible gas. You can’t just scoop up dollops of it in your paws and bin it. Two: you need to be very wary about people who claim to be able to see things that other people can’t. It’s a short step from fairies at the bottom of the allotment to the back-to-front white jacket with the genuine vegan leather tie-straps. Three: look up Munchausen’s Syndrome by Proxy next time you’re passing the surgery.”
“But Jeremy Corbyn’s supporting Greta and her climate change minions”, said Pooh.
“I rest my case,” said Piglet, “For the maniacs, not the truth. What are you going to do with all these bins then?”
“Do you think Roo would like them to keep his toys in?” said Pooh.
© Madam Revenant 2019
The Goodnight Vienna Audio file
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