Valentine’s coming up. And it’s an absolute minefield for us blokes. There is only one very narrow path to tread and any deviation from said path can/will lead to us hurtling to the bottom of a social canyon like a whole pack of coyotes. Beep-Beep.
For a start, having a stack of Valentines cards ready to post is dangerous. You can only have one envelope visible to female eyes at any one time, and unaddressed. You must offer to go out on the day even if you know she won’t want to be seen out on that night in case someone thinks she’s only there BECAUSE it’s Valentines and everywhere’s packed anyway and flogging overpriced specials. Let her suggest one day either side but you must offer the day itself. Don’t mention anything on the telly – especially sport.
If you know what the word ‘Romantic’ means to her, and her alone, you’re half way there. Unfortunately most blokes don’t know as it’s an infinitely movable feast and it’s difficult to keep up with the infinitely variable parameters. Chocolates are generally though of as ‘safe’ although there are many dangers depending on her diet state. Inevitably any conversation around chocolates will lead unerringly towards the word ‘fat’. It’s unavoidable. If you don’t go there – she will and and then blame you for bringing it up.
Flowers of course – especially red roses, however much she likes them, will be either too easy, or involve conversation around conscience. Your conscience. A big bunch goes straight to the nub of it. What have you done? Or not done? You will get glances from the corner of her eye as she takes them off ‘to find a vase’ to see how smug or guilty you are looking. A single rose is safer but runs the risk of meanness being assumed together with insincerity. Any other bunch of flowers smacks of you only remembering because you went to fill the car up.
Champagne is ok – but not for wives. Ditto for named cards like ‘to my darling wife on Valentines’ Especially if you can’t remember which envelope you sealed it in. Crossed Valentines cards are loved by divorce lawyers and A&E doctors on overtime. To them Valentine’s Day is like Christmas to the department stores. Most profitable time of year.
If you’re very lucky, giving a pair of tickets to something you want to see as well might work. Or a holiday you were going to have anyway, as long as it doesn’t involve taking the kids. Or another couple. Valentine’s isn’t a mob-handed celebration so no going to the game or the pub. It’s strictly a one-on-one endeavour which needs to be ‘enjoyed’ as a couple, even if you know half the people around you pretend to not notice anybody else. Especially another female. Antennae are fully tuned, fully powered, and omnidirectional on the 14th of Feb. Twitching like a missile launcher, searching for the enemy and ready to lock-on instantly. I once walked past a live Rapier battery in the Falklands and I swear it was following me as I passed. It was like a Jack Russell in the presence of a foreign rat. Imagine the wife like that to the power of ten.
Getting her pissed is also dangerous. ‘Mellow’ is another of those indeterminate and transitory states on the way to somewhere else much more dangerous. Sobbing isn’t necessarily terminal – it could be for happy reasons as well as sad or ‘had enough of this’ reasons, but once entering this state any further enquiry as to why will only get the even more challenging answer ‘well – you SHOULD know!!’ Period of silence is best. For about a week.
All in all, the male temptation may be to do or say nothing and wait to be told. Be alert for hints – subtle or with a Birmingham Screwdriver (hammer). Often a descent below Defcon 3 may be avoided but as above, at the right time of the month this can also be seen as a declaration of war, so be prepared for a French surrender. Instant and abject. If your wife is one of the Ukrainian ones, this won’t work. With any other Eastern European wife – you won’t even feel the blade go between your ribs. Your fault for buying from a catalogue.
We have been talking mainly about wives above. Mistresses and girlfriends (if she knows you’re married) are even trickier on the 14th. Insecurity is even higher on the list of the problems you have caused them and a very light touch is needed indeed here. Just accept you are going to be wrong whatever you do and employ the light touch in whatever way drew her to you in the first place, just make sure it’s not actually on the 14th, unless you have much more stamina than me, or are an inveterate masochist. In which case neither of them deserve you.
Rest assured you will have many shaking of the head stories and shruggy questions as to WHY? when you next see your mates in the pub. If you can get a word in edgewise as they will all be at it. Then raise your glasses and drink to wives & girlfriends – may they never meet. If they ARE meeting whilst you’re in the pub, it will be to plan your very very painful demise over floods of tears from both of them and at least two bottles of Chardonnay.
Have a bolt hole organised for when you get home and get instantly thrown out. A mate’s sofa will suffice. And if your mate’s missus has just thrown him out for the same Feb 14th reasons, well, off you go again. Same old, same old. Different playground – same shit.
© James Leary 2026
