Larry’s Diary, Week Two Hundred And Sixty-Eight

Monday

Good morning, fellow Puffins. It’s frosty out there this morning, but the sun is on its way up. Last week, I told you Legohead was at Chequers for the weekend, but I didn’t know he had invited Olaf Scholz over for a meeting. Germany would love us to rejoin the EU, and I bet that was what they were talking about. Germany was always the EU powerhouse, putting the most money into the kitty, and when we left and took our contributions with us, the load fell on them even more heavily. No wonder they want us and our money back in the club. Oh, I nearly forgot—there is a general election in Germany on the 23rd of this month, and Scholz will almost certainly be out, so why is Legohead bothering to talk to him?

The most interesting story to emerge over the weekend is that during the Covid lockdown, Legohead had his voice coach designated as a ‘key worker’ so she could visit him at home on Christmas Eve 2020. I’m sure he will wriggle his way out of any possible breach of the lockdown rules, but it’s the fact that he had a voice coach that astonished me. With his awfully robotic delivery, are they telling me that he was coached to speak that way? I would hate to hear what he sounded like before he was coached.

I was in the office yesterday afternoon when the football was on—not something that Legohead would like to know was happening. But Arsenal seem to have done very well without Legohead cheering them on from his gifted box. What I liked was that Sky had Thierry Henry as a guest in their studio, and he kept talking about Arsenal as ‘us’ and ‘we’. It’s strange how many old players love to come back to visit the club, and the number of times I have heard a player who has moved away say they made a terrible mistake is huge.

A new book called Get In looks at the path of Liebore to winning the last general election, and it is extremely revealing. It tells how the Ginger Growler is an expert at manipulating people and how, despite being elected as the Deputy Leader of the party, she is Deputy PM in name only. Instead, Morgan McSweeney is the man with the power and is the actual force behind the throne. It also reveals how split the party is between the left wing and the more moderate members, and how the moderates plotted to get rid of Corbyn. It is not very complimentary of Legohead, saying he is simply a figurehead and comparing him to the man on the London DLR who sits at the front doing nothing—he’s there just in case the automatic systems go wrong.

Some interesting numbers are out about the London ULEZ zone that was expanded back in 2023. It has emerged that of the 2.4 million fines issued for not paying the £12.50 daily charge, only 20% were paid on time. Over 76,000 vehicles have been fined 10 or more times, and 100,000 cars have ten or more unpaid fines. But the record is held by one car that has accumulated 1,077 unpaid fines.

I reported a bit back on the fact that Airbus delivered 766 aircraft last year. But now I have a more detailed breakdown of aircraft types and customers. The biggest number of planes sold was, rather unsurprisingly, the A320neo XL, with 335 planes delivered, but the A320neo also accounted for another 231 deliveries. The top three customers were IndiGo Airlines with 58 purchases, Delta Air Lines with 38, and Spirit with 27. There were five more airlines that received 20 or more deliveries.

Last Tuesday, a sinkhole opened in the Japanese city of Yashio. It is thought that the hole had been growing under a crossroads for some time, initially caused by fractured drains washing away soil. Eventually, the tarmac was no longer supported, and a 20-metre-wide, 30-metre-deep hole opened up, swallowing a two-tonne dump truck and its 74-year-old driver. Over the past week, the hole has got bigger and deeper as flowing water has washed away soil and the sides have continually collapsed. The dump truck has now been buried, and the driver is still missing. A rescue operation is trying to build a 30-metre slope to allow diggers to get to the bottom of the sinkhole, which is now about the size of an Olympic swimming pool. Local residents have been asked not to pour water down drains or flush toilets—something that is not very easy.

Tuesday

Good morning. Well, it’s not sunny like yesterday, but it is at least dry. Legohead is stomping around this morning, clearly not happy, and I wondered why. Then, when I was on rounds, I visited the general office and saw that the latest opinion poll had Reform in the lead—that’s three out of the last four polls. But this time, it was a YouGov poll, which has so far had Labour in a bigger lead than any other pollster.

I see the Shell Oil Chief Executive has poured cold water on Robber Reeves’ statement that a third runway at Heathrow won’t increase carbon emissions because many of the airlines will be using sustainable aviation fuel. He has pointed out that, although some jet fuel currently contains a tiny amount of SAF, it is difficult and expensive to manufacture. SAF can be made from waste vegetable oil, but the waste oil from every fish and chip shop in the country won’t even scratch the surface. So, an alternative method is used: electricity is used to split water into hydrogen and oxygen, and the hydrogen is combined with carbon monoxide extracted from the atmosphere to produce molecules identical to hydrocarbons. However, it is a very expensive and slow process and currently makes up about 0.1% of aviation fuel. The government has changed the law to require aviation to use 10% SAF by 2030—more of Mad Red Ed Millipede’s pie in the sky.

There was a headline in the Evening Standard that made me laugh. It said, ‘Beyoncé to headline four nights at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.’ My first thought was, I wonder who she is playing, and I hope there is a decent gap between the matches so that she can recover. I must admit I didn’t know she played football, so I wondered how good she was. But then I read on and discovered that she was going to be singing, and these four nights are in succession.

About a week ago, we were hit by Storm Éowyn. Some parts of the UK suffered much more than others, with Northern Ireland being particularly badly hit, with loads of telephone and power lines being brought down. Most of them have been restored, but I read that 6,000 homes are still without broadband because the storm brought down five relay towers. I now hear that it is likely to be another two or three weeks before they get their broadband restored, as new towers must be fabricated, erected, and commissioned.

So, on to this week’s cat story, and this time, it’s a little different. The Scottish Animal Welfare Commission has advised the Scottishland government that it should consider the “compulsory containment” of domestic cats on new estates. They say that cats are responsible for the deaths of 700,000 birds, small mammals, and reptiles every year and have been interbreeding with Scottishland wildcats. This led to lots of reports yesterday that the Scottishland government was going to ban cats. This morning, with cat lovers up in arms, the SNP has said that they have no intention of banning cats.

On Saturday, two people won the National Lottery ‘Set for Life’ prize. The winners both won £10,000 a month for the next 30 years. Quite a nice prospect if you are in your 30s or 40s, but I wonder what happens if a 70-year-old wins, as the odds of them living to 100 must be slim. But why does the lottery offer prizes like this? I guess it is cheaper for them, as in 30 years’ time £10,000 will probably not be worth very much, and many winners will be dead. I think it would be a waste of time for me to enter such a lottery—cats rarely live 30 years! I would rather win the EuroMillions, get a huge lump sum, and live in luxury for the rest of my short life.

With the new Everton stadium at Bramley-Moore Dock getting ever nearer to being ready for use, I hear that Everton FC have applied to Liverpool Council for an alcohol licence. The new 50,000-seat stadium has been designed with a load of bars and restaurants, which means a lot of potential sales on match days, but Everton have applied to be allowed to sell alcohol from 9 a.m. to 3 a.m. the next morning, seven days a week. I believe this is to enable them to hold events and conferences at any time without applying for special licences. The licence would also cover a 30,000 sq. ft. fan plaza outside the stadium, but this would close earlier (11:30 p.m.), as well as two new pubs that are to be located on streets being built as part of the whole development.

Wednesday

Hi folks, it’s a lovely sunny morning, and it’s even pleasant in the sun. Legohead seems to be squirming under allegations that he broke the Covid rules with his ‘voice coach’ as more and more information about the background is leaking out. It seems she was previously a small-time actress and had appeared in some ‘iffy’ films. She was married to actor Robin Askwith, who appeared in Bless This House and Confessions of a Window Cleaner and the subsequent series of films it spawned. It seems she lived in Brighton, which at the time was in Covid Zone 3, and the meeting was in London (Zone 4) when travelling between zones was not allowed. But someone made her a ‘Key Worker’ so she could travel. There is a lot more yet to come out of this story.

In Swindon, there is a road that is currently unused and serves nothing. It was built to serve a development of 8,000 homes that is yet to begin. The road was built by the Buckingham Group under a contract from Swindon Borough Council and was very nearly finished when they went into administration. It is currently owned by the administrator Grant Thornton, who are anxious to complete the sale to the council. However, the council are refusing to take over the road until several faults are fixed, including what is said to be serious problems with a bridge. I read that Swindon Borough Council is to pay a contractor £440,000 until May 2026, when the development should be ready, to protect the road. The council is particularly worried about caravans being parked on it, it being used for street racing, and fly-tipping.

Over the Channel in Frogland, the French Defence Procurement Agency has asked civilian industries to look at producing kamikaze drones for their armed forces. They have seen what is happening with drones in the Ukraine war and reckon that is the way things are going, so they want to be ready for any land war. The companies approached are not the normal arms manufacturers but include all sorts of makers of goods on production lines and even include car manufacturers. Apparently, the agency is fed up with the slowness of the armaments makers and wants people who can quickly produce several thousand drones a month to build up a military reserve. I wonder how many kamikaze drones we have in store.

Sad Dick has had TfL conducting an experiment in attracting passengers back to the Tube network by offering cheap-rate fares on a Friday. Well, it has been a failure and hasn’t worked. Consequently, Sad Dick has asked TfL to come up with other ideas as to how to get passenger numbers up. I could make a couple of suggestions, like getting people standing around at the ticket gate line to stop tailgating. Not putting up fares or reducing them might get more people travelling. Increasing the number of police on the Tube to stop pickpockets. Oh, and restoring all the adverts he has banned would bring in more money.

I hear that councils around the country have spent £141 million on entertainment for illegal immigrants. Not content with paying for them to live in luxury hotels, with three square meals a day, nice and warm, with pocket money for their fags, new designer clothes, and widescreen TVs, the councils have started some new stuff to keep them happy. Now they are getting game stations, driving lessons, yoga and Pilates classes, DJ lessons, tickets to football matches, and, best of all, lessons in circus performance. I suppose I should say that the clowns in the councils are teaching them to be clowns.

I see a question has been asked in Parliament about progress on our E-7 Wedgetail AWACS procurement. The answer given said that the first of the three aircraft had made three test flights and was now having its final equipment fitted, and the other two aircraft were on programme. In addition, the infrastructure to operate the plane from RAF Lossiemouth was nearly complete and would be handed over to the RAF next month. But I hear the whole programme has been shackled by costs. The original concept was to procure seven aircraft, which would have made a minimum of three and normally four AWACS planes always available. But to save money, only five were ordered with a project cost of £2,000 million. However, the costs rose to £2,215 million, and to save £265 million and get the project back within budget, two planes were cut. The only problem is that this has not brought the expected savings, as five radar systems and five airframes had already been procured and paid for. In addition, the infrastructure at Lossiemouth was the same cost whether we had one plane or the original seven, so we now have three planes for the cost of five because the bean counters didn’t know what they were doing.

Russian leader Vladimir PooTin has signed a decree reviving the InterVision song contest. Before Russia joined the Eurovision Song Contest, the old Soviet Union used to hold its own version, InterVision, for the Soviet nations before it became defunct. When Russia invaded Ukraine, they were banned from the Eurovision Song Contest. So now, the revival of InterVision, which they say will include entries from the likes of Cuba, Brazil, China, India, and other ‘friendly’ nations. It sounds like it’s going to make riveting television.

Thursday

Good morning, all my happy readers, and it is dry and sunny, but cold and frosty. I see Legohead has got away with it again and will not be charged with any lockdown offences over his Christmas Eve 2020 visit from his ‘voice coach.’ First, the Metropolitan Police said they weren’t investigating the incident as no one had complained. When this brought a huge rush of complaints, they changed the line to say they weren’t investigating because there was a three-year limit on bringing charges and this happened more than three years ago. I wonder why they didn’t say this in the first place—was it because they were still looking for reasons to dismiss the incident?

Is the Tottenham Turnip the worst negotiator ever? First, he was giving away the Chagos Islands to Mauritius and then paying them £9 billion a year to retain a lease on a joint British/US base for 99 years. Then came a change of government in Mauritius, and the negotiations were reopened, resulting in the reduction of the lease to 49 years. Yesterday, the new Prime Minister of Mauritius announced that they would be getting £18 billion a year for the lease. I wonder where that £18 billion a year is coming from when we have a supposed £20 billion black hole.

Some 40 Liebore MPs have joined forces as the ‘Red Wall Group.’ The MPs are mostly from constituencies in the Midlands and the North who are becoming very worried that their seats will be lost to Reform come a general election. The group have demanded a meeting with Legohead as they want stronger enforcement of immigration and more investment in the North and Midlands. They are also in favour of compulsory ID cards, something Tony B Lier has been pushing hard on. An MP from the group has told the PA news agency that one of their biggest worries is that Robber Reeves is making infrastructure investments in the South of England and not in the North.

I read that our nuclear-powered attack submarine, HMS Anson, is currently in Gibraltar being rearmed and re-victualled. The boat does not need to be refuelled as its reactor is good for at least 25 years. The submarine is armed with a mix of 38 Spearfish heavyweight torpedoes and Tomahawk guided missiles, which are launched via six torpedo tubes. I can understand the ship needing to load victuals, as it is believed it can only carry three months’ worth, but why does it need to be rearmed? Has it been firing off missiles and torpedoes in an undeclared war, or do the missiles and torpedoes have ‘best before’ dates?

You may have read that because of injuries, Arsenal have been using two teenagers in their first team this season. The pair, Myles Lewis-Skelly (18) and Ethan Nwaneri (17), are best friends and have been together all the way through the Arsenal Academy to the first team. But only Lewis-Skelly is allowed to get changed with the rest of the first-team squad in the first-team dressing room. Because he is under 18, Nwaneri is subject to ‘safeguarding’ rules and must get changed separately. He then joins the rest of the team for the last-minute briefing before playing. I can understand that some 17-year-olds are still children, but has anyone seen this lad? He looks older than many 21-year-olds. Sometimes the law is an ass.

Greggs is launching several new items on its ‘Hot’ menu as of today. It seems to be going into battle with McDonald’s and KFC with its new BBQ crispy chicken burger and BBQ wrap, which comes with southern fried chicken goujons. Both will be available as individual items or as part of a meal deal with potato wedges or salad and a drink. Greggs is planning to open between 140 and 150 shops this year, adding to its existing 2,618 shops, so you should be able to try the new items.

An announcement from the Prison Service today has lifted the ban on women prisoners in all prisons from not being allowed to wash their underwear in prison washing machines. I have absolutely no idea why prison rules instituted this ban, but it seems that in most prisons, women had to hand-wash their underwear in sinks. This all seems very strange to me, and I wonder why machine washing was banned.

Friday

Hello, my happy readers, from a wet and cold London. My feeder was listening to Mike Graham on Talk Radio this morning, and he was saying that Red Ed Millipede was doing the rounds of the TV and radio studios this morning, but the Liebore lot had refused to send him to Talk Radio. In fact, they flatly refuse all Talk’s requests to interview a cabinet minister. I guess that is what the station gets for supporting Reform. With the latest opinion poll putting Reform leading the poll four points ahead of Liebore, I wonder who will have the last laugh.

I have been reading a story about McDonald’s and what happened when they are refused planning permission by a local council. It seems that they always appeal to the planning inspectorate and nearly always win. Since 2020, they have made 14 appeals and won 11, two are still to be decided, and only one lost. How do they do it? Well, it seems they have a ‘playbook’ that emphasises the ‘healthy foods’ that they sell—things like salads, coffee, and bottled water. How a ‘notable amount’ of customers arrive on foot or by cycle. In an appeal for a new drive-through McDonald’s in Norwich, they even said its provision of a climbing frame would encourage “physical activity” and “healthier lifestyles.” Do they really expect drivers to get out and use a kid’s climbing frame while waiting for their ‘healthy’ Big Mac, fries, chocolate milkshake, and apple pie?

The Government has come up with yet another proposed way of raising money. Now they are talking about taxing death-in-service benefits. Many company pension schemes have a death-in-service benefit, which pays out either to the estate of an employee who dies or to their spouse or dependants, and in general, this is tax-free. The benefit is usually paid as a lump sum calculated as a multiple of the deceased person’s annual salary. The multiplier is shown in the pension scheme rules. My scribe had a work colleague who suddenly dropped dead from a heart attack, leaving a wife and 17-year-old twin daughters who were off to university a few months later. The wife was a schoolteacher and had no idea how she was going to manage to pay the mortgage and send the girls to uni. Fortunately, he was able to point out that the mortgage insurance should pay off the house and that the pension fund would have to pay her a lump sum of three times his annual salary and a pension of half his annual salary. His daughters got a quarter of his salary until they were 21. Now Legohead is talking about making the lump sum subject to inheritance tax at the 40% rate. Disgusting.

Javier Milei, the President of Argentina, has followed the example set by The Donald and announced that Argentina is leaving the World Health Organisation. Milei says that the reason is that the WHO made a mess of the Covid response and its “caveman quarantine that involved … one of the most outlandish crimes against humanity in history.” Well, this cat thinks he is right, and we should be doing the same thing, but I’m afraid that Legohead will never do such a thing—his lefty friends won’t allow it.

The Ginger Growler has announced to a meeting of ‘Grenfell Tower survivors’ that the Government has decided to demolish the derelict tower. The ‘survivors,’ many of whom are relatives of those killed, railed at the idea. There seem to be two camps—on one hand, those who think the burnt-out hulk should remain forever as a memorial, and on the other hand, those who want it to remain until there have been prosecutions and people are in prison. Well, it is eight years since the fire, and I think it’s time to move on and demolish the eyesore. There is already a commission looking at a suitable memorial, and the tower being demolished and much-needed housing being built on the site is not going to stop prosecutions.

Yesterday, the Government made yet another announcement—they seem to come up with one or two a day, and I wonder if it is to distract from their abysmal performance. This time, the announcement made a bit of sense, as the idea is to cut through the red tape surrounding the building of nuclear reactors, in particular the Small Modular Reactors. There is currently a list of eight sites on which reactors can be built, and this is to be scrapped, allowing reactors to be built next to centres of demand. In the announcement, Legohead said he was going to cut through red tape and make nuclear power stations easier to build. I have a little question—why was this announced by Legohead and not Red Ed Millipede, the Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change? Is he falling out of favour with his ridiculous Net Zero policies?

How about this for stupidity? TfL are to spend £4.5 million building a cycle lane from Blackfriars to London City Airport. Just who is going to use this cycle lane? Certainly not tourists arriving at the airport and heading to a central London hotel—there is no way they are going to get a suitcase on a bike, and in any case, is there a bike hire place at City Airport? I suppose they could have a folding bike in their luggage, but there is still the question of luggage. On the other hand, I doubt many workers at the airport live in Blackfriars—and are there bike racks there? I can just see a load of air stewardesses pedalling to work.

Saturday

Good morning, everyone. It is a miserable morning—grey, drizzling, and cold. I ran all the way down to the bottom of the garden and ran all the way back. At least it’s warm in the house. I see that another one of those big MRP polls is out this weekend. These predict seats and not percentages. This one says Liebore 174 seats, Tories 178 seats, and Reform 175, so no one has enough seats to form a government on their own. Could we see another coalition government?

I’m too young to remember seeing the Pepsi Challenge, but I have read all about it. It was launched 50 years ago when Pepsi challenged blindfolded cola drinkers to pick the best between Coke and Pepsi. So many picked Pepsi that the advert is credited with being the reason Coke launched the disaster that was New Coke. To celebrate the advert’s 50th anniversary, Pepsi are relaunching the Pepsi Challenge—but with Coke Zero and Pepsi Max—in New Orleans to coincide with the Super Bowl. The challenge will then go on a tour of major US cities. It’s a pity they don’t appear to be coming to the UK.

Norwegian Cruise Lines has just ordered eight new ships spread across three of its cruise lines. It has ordered four ships for NCL, which will have what is described as a twin lower bunk capacity of 5,000 but a maximum capacity of 8,200. Then it has ordered two 1,400-passenger ships for its higher-class line, Oceania Cruises, and two 850-passenger ships for its upmarket Regent Seven Seas Line. The total price of all eight ships has not been revealed, but reports say the four ships for NCL will cost $9 billion.

Capita has lost its contract for Army recruitment. Capita has had a lot of criticism for not always meeting the numbers and quality required of recruits. The new contract has gone to Serco, which has been handling recruitment for both the Royal Navy and the Royal Air Force. The new Armed Forces Recruitment Service (AFRS) will cover all military forces and will last for seven years, with options for a further three years. If the full ten years are contracted, Serco will be paid £1.5 billion.

A canal on the outskirts of Buenos Aires, Argentina, has turned bright red overnight. The canal flows into an estuary of the Río de la Plata. The local media suggests that the colour is caused by local industry dumping waste chemicals into the canal. A local resident is reported as saying the water was yellow last week, and in the past, it has been “bluish, a little green, pink, a little lilac, with grease on top” and smelt. The report says that at least this time, it doesn’t smell.

I see in the media that, as Arsenal—being out of the FA Cup—don’t have a game this weekend, they have taken the opportunity to take their first-team squad to Dubai for some warm-weather training. But it is interesting that they have also taken several promising members of the Under-21 and Under-17 squads. One of the Under-17s is 15-year-old Max Dowman, who may well make an appearance for the first team this year. But what I want to know is—who pays the £50 fine for his being out of school in term time? Is it his parents or the club? Of course, he may have permission and have been given work to do. Poor sod, having to do maths while the rest of the squad are at the beach or on the golf course.

My final story this week is about the Liebore council that has banned the laying of flowers on graves. The council in Nottingham has introduced rules stating that flowers and wreaths can only remain on a grave for a week following a funeral; after that, they will be removed. I can understand the council wanting to manage the cemetery and cut the grass around a grave, but many graves have stone surrounds which would prevent a mower passing over. Personally, I am a huge admirer of the Commonwealth War Graves Commission—perhaps all our graves should be as immaculate as theirs.

That’s me done again for the week. It’s been another rotten week for Legohead and his lot. He has been struggling to come up with a viable reason for his Christmas Eve visit from his voice coach, and the opinion polls seem to have turned even more against them. It’s absolutely freezing this afternoon, so I’m still not going to the windowsill. Instead, it’s the Thatcher Room this week—that’s somewhere I’m unlikely to be disturbed. Chat to you all next week!
 

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