Fabulously Flamboyant Fridays – Who? What? Meh… Needs More Cowbell – Part 5

Welcome back my friends to the flamboyance that never ends, as Fabulously Flamboyant Friday proudly presents yet another march of the muscle Marys up the salubrious passage of contemporary culture.

Please be welcome to part five in our short series of articles, guaranteed to contain no weirdos, nothing obscure, nothing remotely challenging and no tunes not thoroughly well known to both the man on the Clapham omnibus an’ ‘is dear ol’ mum.

We shall, over the next few weeks, continue our countdown of the UK’s all-time, best-selling artists, as measured (for the most part) by physical single sales. So be assured, pop-pickers, only the most popular pop performers and their most poptastic pop choonage will make the utterly ruthless cut for these articles.

Tonight we reach the top twenty with the best-selling girl group of all time – The Spice Girls, aka Scary, Sporty, Baby, Ginger and Posh. To call these girls successful is a bit of an understatement. They’ve sold over 100 million records worldwide and are firmly on the list of best-selling artists of all time. They were a major part of the (seriously bloody awful) Cool Britannia era and became internationally recognised as cultural icons.

Initially formed during auditions to create a girl group to compete with the hugely successful British and Irish boy bands of the time, the Spice Girls soon abandoned this nascent project, hired Simon Fuller as their manager and signed on with Virgin Records. This proved to be a very shrewd move, as their subsequent success was almost instantaneous.

Their very first single, Wannabe, reached No.1 on the charts of 37 countries. Their first album, Spice (1996), was no slouch either, shifting more than 23 million copies worldwide. It very quickly became the best-selling album by a female group in history and produced a string of top ten and No.1 hit singles around the world.

They followed that up in ’97 with Spiceworld, which also sold by the truckload, and the girls hit the road for their Spiceworld Tour, which was attended by 2.1 million punters worldwide, making it the highest-grossing tour by an all-girl group in history. Spiceworld: The Movie raked in more millions and when the girls turned on the Christmas lights in Oxford Street in 1997, plod were somewhat startled when an estimated crowd of almost half a million fans attempted to attend.

By mid-1998, Ginger Spice had had enough. She quit the band and, just like that, their classic period was over. They trundled on for a while and there have been plenty of lucrative reunions over the years, but it is their eye-watering success between ’96 and ’98 that lands the Spice Girls at a very creditable No.20 on our poptastic chart rundown.

Our No.19 slot is filled by none other than Whitney Houston – one of the most awarded, lauded and best-selling music artists of all time. She racked up sales of well over 200 million cheesy records worldwide and was ranked second by Rolling Stone on its list of the greatest singers of all time. Her first two albums both peaked at No.1 on the US Billboard chart and both are amongst the best-selling albums of all time. To this day she remains the only artist to have racked up seven consecutive No.1 hit singles on the US Billboard chart.

Houston also began to build a very successful career as both an actress and a producer, but sadly we all know how it ends. Whitney’s drug use and her tumultuous marriage began to overshadow her career, and in February 2012 she drowned in a bathtub in a Beverly Hills hotel. Heart disease and cocaine use were subsequently listed as contributing factors in her death. A very sad waste of a tremendous vocal talent.

At No.18 we find Marshall Mathers, aka Slim Shady, M&M and, of course, Eminem. Mr. Mathers and his versions various are one of the best-selling music artists of all time, with worldwide estimated sales of over 220 million records. In the 2000s he was the best-selling music artist in the US and became the first artist to release 10 consecutive albums that all debuted at number one on the US Billboard chart.

He has of course won sackfuls of awards, including 17 Billboard Music Awards, 15 Grammy Awards, 8 American Music Awards and an Emmy. Rolling Stone magazine named him as one of the 100 greatest artists and songwriters of all time and he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2022.

Our No.17 slot is filled by the recently reformed Oasis – a band about to embark on a rapaciously lucrative reunion tour.

Formed in Manchester in the early ’90s, Oasis (named after a sports and recreation complex in Swindon) released their debut album, Definitely Maybe, to huge critical acclaim in 1994. It became a massive hit and proved to be the fastest-selling debut album in UK chart history. They followed this up in ’95 with (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?, which was also a huge success – in fact it became one of the best-selling albums of all time and eventually proved to be the best-selling album in the UK for that entire decade.

The core of the band is of course the brothers Gallagher, who quickly became tabloid darlings because of their highly public disputes, shenanigans and wildly hedonistic rock ‘n’ roll lifestyles. In 1996, Oasis performed two sell-out gigs at the legendary Knebworth Festival for an audience of around 125,000 on each of the two nights. Many claim these were the largest concerts in Knebworth history and the largest outdoor concerts in UK music history. I’m not convinced by either of those claims and suspect the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin might both have a thing or two to say about it.

Anyway, the two Knebworth gigs proved to be peak Oasis. Their subsequent output (IMHO) declined in quality as the band’s highly public internal frictions began to tell. Oasis split in 2009 with Noel’s departing statement reading, “It is with some sadness and great relief [that] I quit Oasis tonight… I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer”.

The band staggered on under the name of Beady Eye, but the glory days were over. Over the course of their turbulent career, Oasis managed to shift over 75 million records worldwide, landing 8 UK number-one singles, eight UK number-one albums and three Platinum albums in the US. We shall soon see if their recently announced reunion can recapture some of that old Mancunian magic.

At No.16 we have a genuine musical superstar: Stevie Wonder. Wonder is of course one of the best-selling music artists of all time, with sales in excess of 100 million records worldwide. He has won 25 Grammy Awards (which is the most by a male solo artist), 1 Academy Award (which is as many as Phil Collins – high praise indeed), a Presidential Medal of Freedom and more gold, platinum and diamond awards than you could possibly shake a stick at.

Stevie Wonder is a firm personal favourite of mine and his early to mid-70s period produced some of the most astonishing albums I have ever heard. The American music critic, Jack Hamilton, argues that Wonder produced “the greatest sustained run of creativity in the history of popular music… We’ve never heard anything like it since, and, barring reincarnation, I doubt we ever will again”. I find it very hard to disagree with that quote.

At No.15 we find yet another ruddy cut-n-paste boy band – this time Manchester’s Take That. Actually, I mustn’t be too hard on the boys as they were, without doubt, a cut above the rest of the ’90s boy bands. For a start, they had genuine talent in their line-up and wrote a lot of their own material. They are still going strong with a line-up of Gary Barlow, Howard Donald and Mark Owen, and have racked up impressive sales of around 13.6 million singles in the UK alone.

The boys landed 12 UK No.1 singles, 9 UK No.1 albums, 56 international number-one singles, 42 international number-one albums, eight Brit Awards and an Ivor Novello Award for their “Outstanding Contribution to British Music”.

No.14 brings us to Sir Roderick David Stewart CBE, aka Rod the Mod, aka Rod Stewart – a chap who is easily amongst the best-selling music artists of all time, having shifted well over 120 million records worldwide. A feat which once prompted veteran DJ Nicky Horne to comment, “Oh Rod… Where did it all go wrong?”

Mr Horne’s remark is of course a reference to the bi-polar nature of Rod’s musical output. When he first burst onto the scene in the late ’60s with The Jeff Beck Group, it was immediately apparent that young Rodney had a truly great voice for rock music. His early solo albums (An Old Raincoat Won’t Ever Let You Down, Gasoline Alley, Every Picture Tells a Story, Never a Dull Moment, Smiler) were all seriously good and his albums with The Faces (First Step, Long Player, A Nod Is As Good As a Wink to a Blind Horse, Ooh La La) were even better. And then, sadly, came Atlantic Crossing…

It was always gonna be too good to last and in 1975 the Faces split up. Rod moved to Los Angeles, discovered disco, recorded the uber-cheesy Atlantic Crossing (which, sadly, sold by the truckload) and never looked back. Pretty soon we were subjected to horrors such as Sailing, Hot Legs and Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? Oh, Rod… Where did it all go wrong..?

At number 13 it’s “the greatest rock an’ roll band in the world…” – the Rolling Stones. They have been performing for over 60 years and are still going strong. Their last album, Hackney Diamonds (2023), was an absolute corker and went straight to No.1 in the UK (damn fine title and cover too, but we won’t get into that here).

The Rolling Stones’ have estimated worldwide record sales of more than 250 million, making them one of the best-selling music artists of all time. They have racked up enough gold, platinum and diamond albums to sink a reasonably sized container ship, they’ve picked up countless awards, have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the UK Music Hall of Fame and are ranked as one of the greatest artists of all time by both Rolling Stone magazine and Billboard.

It’s believed the Rolling Stones have performed more than two thousand concerts since their first gig in 1962 and they have been responsible for 3 of the highest-grossing tours of all time (Bridges to Babylon, Voodoo Lounge and A Bigger Bang). Many credit the Stones, via their envelope-pushing and technically innovative stage shows, with the invention of “arena rock” – and I had the privilege of witnessing what is believed to be their longest show (and certainly one of their finest shows) when they performed at the legendary Knebworth festival in 1976 in front of the biggest crowd I have ever seen.

Well, if you are going to outsell the Rolling Stones and reach number 12 on our chart, I guess you’re gonna need some serious talent..? So step up the one and only Ms. Kylie Minogue.

Unbelievably (well, to me at least) young Kylie will soon be pushing 60. How the bloody hell did that happen – and, just as importantly, where the hell was I when it did?

Kylie was of course first introduced to us in 1985 as Charlene Robinson in the Australian soap opera Neighbours. Surprisingly (again, to me at least) she was only on that show for a couple of years – ’96 to ’98. I’ll be honest, at the time it certainly felt like a decade or more.

Anyway, she began her primary colour bubblegum pop career in 1998 under the watchful guidance of Stock, Aitkin & Waterman – a trio of writers/producers responsible for many musical crimes against humanity (e.g. Bananarama, Rick Astley, Jason Donovan and the hideous Band Aid II single).

Nevertheless, Kylie began racking up hit singles in the UK and continued to do so for many years. She now has well over 50 hit singles in the UK – comfortably outselling the Rolling Stones… Atta girl.

And at No.11 we find tonight’s final entry on our poptastic chart. A chap with an endless series of hit singles to his name, the legendary Sir Paul McCartney – one of the wealthiest musicians on the planet, with an estimated fortune believed to be well in excess of £1 billion.

In 1979, the Guinness Book of World Records recognised McCartney as “the most honoured composer and performer in music”, with 60 gold discs, sales of over 100 million singles and 100 million albums with the Beatles; and then, just for good measure, sales of another 100 million records during his post-Beatles career.

In 2009, Guinness World Records again recognised McCartney as the “most successful songwriter” in the world, having written or co-written 188 charted records in the UK alone, of which 33 made it to No.1. As a result, McCartney is credited with more No.1 hits in the UK than any other artist and he has written or co-written many of the biggest selling singles of all time.

Now that’s all well and good and stuff, but I still ain’t forgiving him for Mull Of Kintyre.