Lycra clad Bonus Holes

Image by Victoria from Pixabay

We must all be painfully aware of the lycra clad Bonus Holes who ride about on our roads. There is an absolutely massive one who has a weekday morning show on Channel 5. One of his major aims in life is to grass up drivers he considers don’t give him the respect and space he feels he is entitled to. To this end he uses a camera on his helmet (settle down at the back, honestly). Anything he considers slightly wrong he puts up on twatter or X as it likes to be called. Some of these posts have been called out by others as him being in the wrong. I won’t use Joey Barton’s famous phrase, the LCBH is famously litigious.

When I started delivery driving I was put on a training course and one of the things they emphasised was to always give way rather than have an accident. They called it defensive driving. If some idiot cuts you up just give him space. Accidents cost thousands of pounds, I think it was several thousand minimum, so avoid them and you save the company oodles of dosh. One of the things I note about the tosser Vine is that if he thinks he has the right of way he just keeps going and even rings his crappy little bell in a fury. He needs to slow down and stop, he might live longer. On second thoughts I would advise him to carry on as normal.

Anyhow during my delivering days I had two really memorable examples of Bonus Holes being Bonus Holes. The first was heading south on Kilburn High Road. It was a Tuesday about 5pm, not a time noted for light traffic. So I was proceeding in a southerly direction as plod might say and in front of me was a Bonus Hole on his bike. I was unable to pass and so had to follow him for what must have been hundreds of yards. He had no hands on his handle bars because he was holding a mobile phone with both hands and texting like a good ‘un using both thumbs. He kept on like this for a good minute and scarcely looked at the road in front of him. My wishes were not granted because he was neither mown down nor ploughed into another car.

The second was on Rocks Lane in Barnes, again I was heading south. There is, or at least was, a pedestrian crossing. Some pedestrians were waiting to cross the road and the traffic came to a halt. As I sat waiting I looked in my mirrors and lo and behold a Bonus Hole was charging down on his bike, head down dreaming he was in the Tour de France. The pedestrians, including a woman with a pram, were by this time crossing the road but still he came on at breakneck speed. Fortunately he sped past on the inside before the pedestrians had reached the other side of the road. There could have been carnage but luckily there wasn’t. Said Bonus Hole did not have a clue what was going on and continued on his way totally oblivious.

Now Mr Jeremy effing Vine, tell me again that all cyclists are saints and all drivers are evil.  We did not have dash cams in those days or I would have been having a word in plod’s shell like. The second one shook me up badly, I had no time to jump out and get the pedestrians to wait; it was over in seconds.

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