Literature
Lords and Ladies, Part Five
‘Pull those ropes tighter, damn your eyes,’ raved Boggart, stalking feverishly up and down in front of the contenders, ‘I want this net to be as taut as a camel’s arse in a sandstorm.’ A [more…]
Articles by DH
Literature
Lords and Ladies, Part Four
Boggart paced deliberately back and forth in front of ginger bigfoot, birthmark Joe and trembling Theresa, peering coldly into their eyes at each pass. Perspiration oozed from the collar of his scabious headdress as he [more…]
Biography
Lords and Ladies, Part Three
Thresher sullenly pushed a broom across the dining room floor, broken crockery and shards of glass clinking as he shuffled along. Tiny fragments and splinters littered every nook and cranny, glinting and winking under cabinets [more…]
Biography
Jeremy and Seumas – Resurrection
Slouching wearily in an uncomfortable wooden chair, Seumas Milne stared vacantly at the faded orange Formica clock on the kitchen wall. It read three thirty two. It had read three thirty two since the year [more…]
Fiction
Lords and Ladies, Part Two
Fifteen of them stood in a line in the muddy light of the drawing room. Fifteen desolate specimens of humanity clad in grimy, beige sweatshirts and stained jogging bottoms. Fifteen of them with their hands [more…]
Literature
Lords and Ladies, Part One
IT had been a particularly joyless summer day at Pyewacket Hall. A feverish, boiling heat had beaten down relentlessly upon its ancient, moss-flecked granite walls. Pristine lawns had been turned to yellow scrub and vivid [more…]
Fiction
Royal Protection
Ah mind aboot a yeer ago gettin’ sackondet tae Balmoaral coaz hoff tha royal prateckshun c**ts were aff fer a hale week wi’ tha wild s**tes they goat fae a roatten chinky they ordahed in [more…]
Literature
That Supreme Court Judgement
Ah feel pure soarry fer that Borash Johnston c**t. Tha poor bastert’s goat anuff oan his plate bein’ prime menashtah an’ aw that sh*te withoot some judge c**t pure gie’n him it tight. Ah mind [more…]
Arts
HMS Gammon
I’d like to open proceedings with a confession: I have never before in my life written a travel piece with even the faintest modicum of honesty or integrity. The truth of the matter is that [more…]