Question Time 30th June 2022
The Panel:
Craig Hoy (Conservative)
Pam Duncan-Glancy (Labour)
Angus Robertson (SNP)
Fraser Nelson (The Spectator)
Susie McCabe (Comedian)
Venue: Inverness
If Puffins think Nish Kumar is un-funny their paths have never crossed that of bloated Jimmy Krankie crossed with Rab C Nesbitt lookalike, Susie MacCabe. Make that Jimmy Krankie cum Rab C Nesbitt as depicted by Lucian Freud while in a very dark mood. In among the effing and indecipherable Glaswegian grunting, Ms MacCabe’s messy-life observational ‘humour’ riffs of returning to her parent’s house after breaking up with her ‘wife’ to live in an attic ‘like a Glaswegian Anne Frank’.
The rest of the set was appropriately about as funny as a coughing fit during the aforementioned hiding Jewish schoolgirl’s drum practice. Next door to a packed SS library. During quiet hour.
Ms McCabe’s claim to fame is as runner-up in the 2012 Scottish Comedy Awards. One suspects breaking news of an inferno in a locked orphanage would have pushed her into third.
In reviewing the final, Steve Bennett of chortle.co.uk touchingly noted that winner Eddie Cassidy moved into comedy after coming off drugs. However, Bennett was sniffy about McCabe’s material. Although being shocked by tales of incest in Susie’s home town would be like complaining to Ofcom upon hearing that grass is green or the sun comes up in the morning, Mr Bennett found her inbreeding jokes (Coatbridge is twinned with itself, geddit?) rather ‘obvious’.
Despite the success, and as if her agent is as bad as multi-millionaire tennis no-hoper Emma Radacanu’s is good, subsequently Susie has suffered a miserable paucity of bookings. Albeit perhaps for the common good, she makes pitifully few appearances, usually on London Leftie panel shows that wallow in self-congratulation, auto-cue spontaneity and canned laughter.
The team at QT Review HQ are a cynical lot. Watching Question Time hollows out human compassion in the same way a noontime Sahara sun draws the moisture from a dying man crawling across the burning desert sand.
We shall try harder to be nice to Pam Duncan-Glancy.
Although having the stature and demeanour of one of those aggressive wee gurls from Bishopbriggs who always seem to marry footballers, Pam hails from the small village of Mosstodloch in Moray. At 18 months she was diagnosed with juvenile idiopathic arthritis and has been in a wheelchair since she was five.
As if recalling all those Bernard Manning jokes about Stephen Hawkin’s sex life, in an interview with Aberdeen’s Press And Journal newspaper Miss Duncan-Glancy told that she can’t move her elbows and can only move her shoulders a tiny, little bit. Likewise, he can hardly move her wrists and her knees are locked. As well as being a wheelchair user, Pam is also refreshingly a user of the politically incorrect anti-woke word ‘disabled’ which peppers her un-self-pitying description of herself and advocacy for those in a similar position to her uncomplaining self.
Elected to the Scottish Parliament in this year’s May 5th elections, Pam was denied entry to her own count as staff at Glasgow’s Emirates Arena didn’t believe she was a candidate. Upon relenting, she was allowed in through the wrong door and had to travel some distance to where she was supposed to be. However, the candidate’s area was seated and tiered and couldn’t accommodate her electric wheelchair. Forwarded to another part of the building, her carer wasn’t allowed to accompany her as she had the wrong pass. With all the comings and goings and a long wait in the cold (perhaps in a foretaste of future Prime Minister Pam trying to reach a G7 meeting in her an armour-plated Tesla), her wheelchair batteries went flat and there wasn’t a charger.
The QT Review investigative team is led to believe that during this disgraceful Emirates farce, Miss Duncan-Glancy stood her ground, gave as good as she got and made sure staff and security knew of their shortcomings. Added to which, she won a seat in the Scottish Parliament, finishing third in her constituency and, in the inexact science that is Scottish proportional representation, gained a seat via her position on a Labour Party regional list.
This cold heart having warmed, tears welled at the sight of Pam’s wedding photographs. The beaming bride is pictured next to proud and lucky husband Hugh John, also a wheelchair user. It being a Scottish wedding, the bride is the one in the white skirt – what there is of it.
Having, through no fault of her own, been dealt a very difficult hand by fate; Scottish, a socialist, in the Labour Party, having to represent the inhabitants of Glasgow Kelvin, the usually non-partisan QT Review HQ is proud to announce itself a member of Team Pam. Come to think of it, she has the arthritis too.
***
Question one. As announced by SNP First Minister Nichola Sturgeon, will there be another independence referendum in October 2023? Angus Robertson (SNP) got off to a bad start, saying the recent elections in Scotland had given a mandate for a second referendum. As we shall see, this is untrue.
You’ve been knocking on different voter’s doors than me, responded Pam Duncan-Glancy (Labour). There were lots of other issues in the election. Rising child poverty. Waiting lists. The Scottish Government should be giving those things attention.
No, No, No, said Fraser Nelson, a London journalist at Andrew Neil’s Ghislaine Maxwell supporting Spectator. No for legal reasons, no as the Scots Nats probably wouldn’t win it, and no because Scots don’t want one. Look at the opinion polls.
Talk of Scotland’s inexact proportional representation system is a reminder that, although the other Krankie claims a parliamentary coalition mandate for a second referendum, in the actual May 5th voting more Scots voted against a second referendum than for it. Since then the tide has turned further against independence. Even Nicola Sturgeon’s plan kicks a second referendum well down the road given a required 2024 general election win in which the SNP would have to achieve more than 50% of the popular vote – something they have never done.
This observer suspects recent events north of the border have nothing to do with Scottish independence and everything to do with adding to an hysterical sense of crisis for Johnson’s Tory government in anticipation of today’s (Thursday) launch of un-indicted war criminal Anthony Charles Lynton Blair’s Reset Britain political movement.
An audience member said this wasn’t the time. Countless millions, why not spend the referendum money on something useful? Craig Hoy (Conservative) agreed, saying that helping with the cost of living crisis and recovering from the pandemic should be the priority. He invited Angus Robertson to take the independence distraction off the political table.
The ludicrous Angus Struan Carolus Robertson is one of those true Scots born in London to a German mother. Upon graduating from Aberdeen University, Mr Robertson entered journalism and specialised in Mittel Europ while based in Vienna. A fluent German speaker, while resident in the Alpine capital Angus reported for the Austrian Broadcasting Corporation, the BBC, US National Public Radio and the Anglophobic racists at Raidió Teilifís Éireann. It should be noted that, in the interest of balance, the RTE hate the Irish too, recently rejoicing at a change in the law allowing the Irish unborn to be killed while the country is overwhelmed by a hostile New Irish.
Angus is a proud recipient of the Decoration of Honour for Services to the Republic of Austria, Hitler’s homeland’s highest national honour. Unfortunately, medals and ribbons cut no mustard at the book store. Mr Robertson’s mighty work, Vienna, The International Capital, sits in an ubersehrschrecklich 650,379th position on the Amazon best sellers list, 468,762 places behind 120 Days of Sodom, a tome penned by his fellow distinguished continental author The Maquis de Sade.
In 2015, The Daily Telegraph discovered some numbers more beneficial to the recently elected MSP for Edinburgh Central. Then an SNP MP, you were kind enough to pay Mr Roberston’s second home expenses for a £1,119 television, £400 home cinema, £500 bed, £20 corkscrew and £2,324 sofa bed. The London flat, on which you paid the mortgage, stamp duty and legal fees, sold for £287,000 in 2017 with half of the money going to Robertson’s ex-wife. Speaking of incest, the present Mrs Robertson, Jennifer, keeps it in the SNP family by being a former advisor to ex-SNP supremo Alex Salmond and a one-time SNP prospective parliamentary candidate.
Susie McCabe (comedian) hoped there would be a referendum but wasn’t a lawyer and couldn’t predict what would happen. As a Remainer she would support an independent Scotland, completely dependent on Brussels and the EU. She was also in favour of mass, uncontrolled immigration as Scotland is such a great place that people keep on leaving.
A gentleman in the audience claimed that there was a demand for a second referendum as 49% voted for such at the last Scottish election. In doing so, he made my point, that 51% didn’t.
The BBC’s non-inclusive exclusively white and Scottish un-representative panel serves to remind us that Scottish nationalism’s origins lie within Nazism, fascism, racism and sectarian bigotry. One SNP founding father, Arthur Donaldson, was pictured with the Hitler Youth. Another, Alexander Dewar Gibb, quoted Hitler in his speeches and was a self-confessed fascist who expressed a visceral hatred of the Irish.
Previously QT Review has described a ratio between the apparent age of a gentleman’s hair and the apparent age of his face. Max Clifford, take a bow. Tonight we must address the toupee. Angus Robertson starts us off with a ground trembling 3.2 on QT Review’s newly initiated Elton John Scale.
We need a government which is absolutely focused upon education and health so that the people of Scotland can absolutely move forward, said Pam sensibly. Craig Hoy threw in roads and railways.
Susie wanted to de-criminalise drugs but that was a London decision. Scotland, by a mile, has the highest rate of drug abuse-related fatalities in Europe. One wonders, will making it easier to purchase and abuse drugs make the situation better?
A lady in the audience thought all of the panel were very good (is she on drugs?), but especially Pam who speaks for the vulnerable.
Question 2 was about Covid, infection rates of which are rising in Scotland. Should there be some restrictions?
Craig wanted us to live with Covid. There is harm done by the virus but then also harm done to individuals and businesses by restrictions. He would encourage people to be vaccinated and to test themselves.
La Bruce (chair) pointed out that two hospitals in Scotland have closed to new admissions because of an increase in the prevalence of the virus. Pam said part of the difficulty was the debilitated state of the NHS, which is the best in the world. She didn’t want vulnerable people to be restricted for the rest of their lives. There was a drug for the immunosuppressed that could be used but which isn’t available in Scotland.
My mum is immunosuppressed, and I couldn’t work for two years, said Susie. However, if needs be she would go through it all again and wear a facemask too. She was disappointed that while she’d been un-funny and laid off, elsewhere there’d been laughter, birthday cake, karaoke and Abba parties.
A fat nurse in the audience said that fat nurses were burnt out.
An arms race broke out. Angus has two elderly parents, one of whom has just died. He wanted to follow the scientific advice. Before he told us, we already knew that Angus is one of those saddos who wears a mask on the bus to work every day.
The fat nurse didn’t want the praise and applause but more money, ‘to put bread on the table’. And cakes and chocolate and biscuits, she was thinking as she dribbled down her front. She didn’t support strike action but felt ‘scunnered’. No doubt a medical term describing stretch marks about the wasitline and purse.
The next question was about stikes. Last week I told you half of our football team works on the railways. What I didn’t tell you is that the other half work for BT and the Royal Mail. So that’s all of them have voted to strike, which leaves your humble reviewer as a kind of Paul Pogba of the seven-a-side league.
Another fat nurse complained from the audience.
Pam spoiled her copybook. She supported the workers and supported the strikes. Fat nurses are the best of our country. Maybe she isn’t unfortunate? Maybe she’s been cursed by God because of her nutty politics?
Susie blamed the banks. Her suggestion was to tax you to death in order to give massive pay increases to public sector workers who are better paid than you are and who have giant pensions taken out of your pockets.
Angus didn’t have the answers and thought these things would disappear if there were endless negotiations. There isn’t a money tree and the Scottish Government can’t borrow. An independent Scotland wouldn’t have a currency to borrow, he forgot to add.
A lady pointed out the danger of an inflationary spiral caused by pay increases. Silence from the panel. Raise taxes for the wealthy suggested a gentleman, not realising that he’ll count as wealthy when Big Government strikes.
Another gentleman made an important point but it was complicated and involved numbers and calculations – a kiss of death on a fake media vox pop show. The point he was making was that Scottish energy enters the national grid at cost price but is then sold to Scottish consumers at a price-spike premium.
Scotland is an energy-rich country claimed Angus Robertson. Hang on a minute, they’re banning North Sea gas and oil because of Net Zero. Earlier today 1.7% of our electricity was coming from the useless wind farms. Angus’s SNP are against nuclear power.
Angus had a solution, the laws of physics, nature and supply and demand can be re-written by a second Scottish independence referendum. At which point, La Bruce ran out of energy and called an end to this week’s programme.
© Always Worth Saying 2022
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