Larry’s Diary Week Nineteen

Monday

A Good Monday morning to you all. I woke up this morning and for a moment wondered what was wrong, before I realised I wasn’t very warm. I may have a permanent fur coat but I feel the cold and today it’s cold. I wonder if I can find a nice hot radiator in the offices I can curl up by, the one in the Number 11 kitchen is only lukewarm, I suspect it needs venting. Where’s the Downing Street handyman when you need him?

I heard a few amusing things yesterday. The old lady who used to live here is, as an ex PM, entitled to a security guard and a ministerial car. The supercharged, armoured Jaguar she had as PM has been given to Bozzie and she’s ended up with his old ministerial BMW 7 Series. I hear she’s not best pleased. Secondly, the powers that be have been planning in case Bozzie isn’t re-elected. The plan is that Rabb would take over his parliamentary duties while a Tory MP, with a big majority in a seat near London, would be persuaded to become a Lord and Bozzie would stand in a bye-Election. I also heard there is a cupboard in the cabinet office where there is a stash of over 500 ‘Get Ready for Brexit on 31 October’ Mugs. They may be worth money one day as collectors’ items.

The Old Lady Doesn’t Like This
“BMW 7-Series” by Uwe Duettmann is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 

I watched the ITV election debate last night; l was amazed at how bad it was. The woman who ran it is clearly a light-weight. The only person who seemed to talk any sense was Mr Garage. It dragged on a bit until there was a question on the God King President, when it got a bit livelier. The Labour bloke, I think they said his name was Richard Bunion, seemed to be particularly thick, nearly as thick as Jugs. Bunion wanted to keep our Nuclear deterrent, but didn’t want to use it. As Mr Garage said, what’s the point of spending money on renewing the deterrent if you aren’t willing to use it? Another day and another spending promise from the Tramps mob. This time they want to cut rail fares by 1/3, a pledge that’s not in the manifesto or in their costing document. They say they are going to find the £1.5 billion needed from the Vehicle Excise Duty, but won’t that mean that money will no longer be available for roads spending? I wonder, have they thought this through; all political parties are trying to move people to electric cars which are VED free. Ergo, the more people that buy EV’s the less tax is raised and the money to spend on reducing rail fares disappears.

I see my rival at the FCO, Palmerston, is back at work. He’s been off sick for several months after getting very fat and suffering stress. Too many people were feeding him, picking him up and stroking him. I understand that the stress made him lick all the fur off his front legs. Wait till I see him, I’ll take the mickey out of his chicken legs! I’d like you to know that there’s no chance of me suffering in the same way, I don’t get stressed by being picked. I’ll scratch and bite anyone who tries that when I don’t want to be handled. As for food, I do get the very occasional snack from staff, but I enjoy my Felix too much and I don’t want bits of their rotten old mars bars.

Tuesday

Bozzie shot off to Salisbury this morning for a bit of canvassing before the NATO lot turn up. I saw him on the TV walking around the market and shaking hands with lots of people. I even saw him get his wallet out and buy something. Then he came back to No 10 to have a meeting with Mrs Merkin, that Frog Bloke Mr Macaroon and the Turkish boss. They tried to push me out into Downing Street before the visitors arrived but I was having none of it, I stood my ground and got my claws out. It they throw me out I’m going to climb the Downing Street Christmas tree and wreck it! Bozzie’s off with all the NATO leaders and their partners to a reception with the Queen at Buckingham Palace later. The Tramp is also going, I would like to be there when he meets the God King President. Then the GKP is coming here for another reception, I will let him stroke me if he wants to.

HM The Queen
“Queen Elizabeth II at the University of Leicester” by mrschnips is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 

Both Bozzie and the GKP said, this morning, that the NHS is “not for sale” but it seems that, no matter how many times they say it, the Tramp still doesn’t believe them. I think he’s either stupid or simply playing politics. When both the Krankie and Jugs also moaned on about the evil Tories selling off the NHS it became obvious they are all just playing the same game. The Tramp named five companies as Britain’s Worst Employers, but on what basis were these companies chosen? There was no technical evidence offered to this by Labour. It looks like it was just employers that had upset their union paymasters. Bozzie had a quick meeting with the GKP after tonight’s reception at No 10., I tried to listen into the conversation but they pushed me out and shut the door!

Wednesday

Bozzie’s off to Watford to host the NATO leaders conference of the 29 members, it’s only half a day so he should be home for dinner tonight. That idiot, the Uphill Gardener, was on the radio this morning still going on about selling off the NHS. It seems that it doesn’t matter how many times or who says it’s not for sale, the Tramps mob don’t believe them and keep up the same rhetoric. I suppose only time will tell. Red McDonnell has been telling people that households are going to be £6000 a year better off if they would only elect a Labour Government. He can only get to that number when he adds together lots of benefits he says people will get like extra child care and money off buying rail season tickets. These things will hardly help a pensioner household, just more empty words . The Limp Dump bus has been in trouble in south London today. Several Extinction Rebellion stinkies, dressed as bees, have superglued themselves to the bus to protest that the Limp Dumps are not taking XR’s demands seriously. Petty really, it’s an electric bus. This afternoon 6 more “bees” invaded the Brexit Party Office in Grims-Bee where all they did was lay on the floor.

There were a number of press conferences with NATO country leaders after the conference, but the GKP got the hump after Trudeau was shown being rude about him on TV. He cancelled his Presser and whizzed off early to Stansted to get Air Force One back to the States. The rules about Air Force One are that other air traffic is not supposed to be within three miles of it and the runways are often cleared for an hour around its take-off or landing times. The early take off caused chaos at Stansted with a number of flights being diverted to other airports or held on the ground.

Air Force One
“Air Force One” by Michael Panse is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0 

Thursday

Shortly after breakfast I set off on my patrol round the offices and heard one of the girls screaming so I wandered over to see what was wrong. It seems she had opened a filing cabinet drawer and disturbed a mouse. I had a look, soon found it and took it into to the garden to play, but it didn’t want to play so I got rid of it. I heard on the radio that some Brexit Party MEP’s were calling a press conference this morning and they were going to resign the party whip. It seems the announcement was embargoed until the press conference but lots of radio stations ignored it, much to many people’s disgust. In the end there were four MEPs at the press conference, 1 who lost the whip yesterday and 3 who were resigning today, including the Moggs sister. They were leaving because they disagreed with Mr Garage’s tactic of standing PPC’s in Labour seats. They explained that they thought he was taking leaver votes that would otherwise go to the Tories which might let Labour in and stop “Brexit”. They urged Leavers in Labour seats to vote Tory.

Mr Garage
“Nigel Farage” by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 

Labour have a whistle-blower problem with anti-Semitism enquiry. It seems there are 70 of them underway! The Jewish Labour Party has put together a dossier of anti-Semitic incidents that have occurred to 70 Jewish labour party members, including online abuse and cover ups. Then up popped the Tramp with another “leaked” document. This time it’s a report which he claims proves that Northern Ireland will have to have customs between them and the U.K. The Tories say this document, produced the day after Bozzie’s meeting with the Tea Shop, was for internal departmental use only and was not distributed to ministers.

Friday

Everyone was rushing around madly this morning getting Bozzie to practice for tonight’s one on one with the Tramp. When it gets a bit mad round here I retire to my basket and let them get on with it, but the mutt tends to get overexcited and runs around yapping in that Welsh accent of his. In the end Bozzie got fed up and shut the door on him which made him yap even more! I always know when Bozzie is fed up with the mutt, he asks the Little Otter “can’t you control your dog”? Talking of the Tramp, he claims to have got hold of another leaked document that purports to show that customs documents will be needed for goods going to Northern Ireland after Brexit. Bozzie was quite perplexed and was asking everyone why he had not been shown this document. In the end it appeared that it was an instant analysis document for internal departmental use that had been written on the day Bozzie had talks with the Tea Shop and it had never been released, not even to ministers.

Bozzie got an apology from Channel 4 after they’d put subtitles on one of his speeches completely changing it. Bozzie said if it had been any other TV channel he would have accepted that it was an accident but Channel 4 and its presenters have previous. Before retiring to my lovely cat basket I watched the debate on the TV. I thought this one was better refereed than the last. Nick whatever his name was kept order quite well and was fair in allowing equal time. But the Tramp wasn’t very impressive, I thought Bozzie was much better. He seemed much more relaxed this time, perhaps all the practice paid off.

The Tramp
“”Loony Left” Private Eye cover” by Ninian Reid is licensed under CC BY 2.0 

Saturday

Another day another spending promise from the Tramp. I heard that Andy McDonald (does he have a farm?) on the radio telling everyone they are going to replace every bus in the country with electric ones, at a cost of £4 billion. When he was asked where the money was coming from for this exercise as it wasn’t in the “fully costed manifesto” he said Vehicle Excise Duty. I thought this a bit odd as they promised to spend the surplus VED money on reducing train fares on Monday, but no one picked up on this or queried it. Bozzie’s spending commitment was a much lower £550 million investment in promoting Grassroots football. This is all part of the joint bid with Ireland to host the 2030 Football World Cup finals. I even saw a picture of Bozzie pretending to be a goalkeeper and getting hit in the ear by the ball. Sport seems to be the theme of the day. Wee Krankie went ice skating in Glasgow, Mr Garage went to a rugby match in Wales and Jugs was seen trying to play tennis, but she looked a bit top heavy. The Tramp was the odd one out, he was seen in a cafe making a cup of coffee.

Labour’s Electric Buses For All
“Bringo LPM-23 Electric Bus” by harry_nl is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 

The best story of the day was that the document used by the Tramp to claim the Tories were going to sell the NHS to the US might have been put on the internet by the Russians. The owners of the site that hosted it have suspended 65 accounts which, they claim, had ties to Russians accounts. Saturday night and, as usual, the opinion polls are published for the Sunday papers. There are five out tonight and they all give the Tories a lead ranging from 6 to 15 points. Essentially, this is exactly the same as last week and the poll trackers average this out to a ten-point lead, which is exactly where we started when the election was declared.

I’m off to my cat basket, hoping that there’s nothing huge that I have to make the effort to write about tomorrow. Speak to you again on Monday when the election is only four days away. If the Tramp wins I’ll have to consider leaving home.
 

© WorthingGooner 2020
 

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