Larry’s Diary Week Seventeen

Monday

I nearly wrote an entry for my diary yesterday after watching that prince of the realm on TV on Saturday. I thought better of it though, I’d have used some colourful language and WG would’ve had to heavily censor it before submitting it for publication. I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast this morning before wandering off to see who was on the breakfast sofas and what they were promising today. Yesterday was free NHS dental check-ups for adults, I wonder which is going to be the first party to offer free veterinary care for cats, that’s a sure vote winner!

Bozzie, The Tramp and Jugs all made speeches to the CBI today. Bozzie was up first and instead of making a promise of more “give aways” he actually announced he was putting the 2% corporation tax cut on hold. He said the £6 billion saved will go to the NHS. He further promised that adults found guilty of killing children would spend the rest of their lives in prison and e would make stop and search “easier”. The Tramp was up next, he didn’t really come up with anything new. He did say that Labour aren’t really a threat to business (ha ha) and came out with the same old rubbish about Bozzie colluding with The God King President to infringe worker rights. Finally, up popped Jugs. She talked about the Limp Dumps spending £100 Billion on climate change, but by this time nobody was really interested.

Just before I had my dinner I heard that the Limp Dumps and the Scots Nazi’s had lost their court case to try to made ITV include Jugs and Wee Krankie in tomorrow’s leaders’ debate. The judges said they had no power to force ITV to change the format and dismissed the case. So tomorrow it’s just Bozzie and the Tramp (that sounds like a Walt Disney film).

Lady and the Tramp
“Plastic 52: Book ‘Em 5” by ShellyS is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 

Tuesday

Bozzie was up early this morning, he had a few visits organised before his ITV debate with the Tramp tonight. He was practicing answering questions with Dom playing the question master and someone I didn’t recognise pretending to be the Tramp. Bozzie and the Tramp have been limbering up for the Debate in different ways this morning. While Bozzie was messing about in a boxing ring, the Tramp went to the barber to get his beard trimmed. Pity it’s on the TV at the same time as MasterChef, you know how much I like my food.

A Master Chef
“Masterchef” by ian boyd is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0 

McDonnell the Maoist made a speech this morning, again attacking Britain’s billionaires and calling them “obscene”. He then went on to claim that they had nothing to fear from a Labour Government and people like John Caudwell, who has said that if Labour came to power he would leave the country, should come and talk to him. Caudwell said he had payed £33 Million in Income Tax in the last 5 years and didn’t think he should have to pay anymore. The Maoist also said that if Labour came to power the “workers will take back control”.

I saw a couple of interesting opinion polls today. One showed Bozzie’s lot had moved further ahead of the Tramps mob, this time by 18%. Most of the increase seems to have come from Mr Garage’s gang. The other poll said that the more voters see of Jugs, the more they dislike her. The Green Party launched their manifesto this morning, the first of the parties to do so. Its main policies revolve around borrowing £100 billion a year to spend on fighting climate change, planting 700 million trees and banning fossil fuel powered cars by 2030, replacing gas central heating with hydrogen, curbing flying, introduce a universal wage, getting rid of tuition fees and convincing people to eat less meat. I wouldn’t be voting for anyone who wanted to stop me eating meat. I read the other day that you could make a dog vegetarian but if you tried it with a Cat they would get very ill and could easily die. I managed to catch the debate on a TV in the offices and I found it pretty boring, with the woman interrupting all the time. I liked it when the laughed at the Tramp, but I really wished I’d watched the nice food on MasterChef.

Wednesday

It’s not every day that yours truly makes the mews, but today I managed it. Someone put a rumour about that as I was 12 years old (that’s 65 in human years) I would be retiring in the new year. Well, I can firmly squash that as fake mews, I’m going nowhere. As far as I’m concerned living in Downing Street is purr-fect. In another bit of personal news, a lady has created a painting of me and sent it to No 10. Officials seem to like it and have decided to hang it on a wall. I am not so sure; I think it makes me look boss eyed!

It’s was a bit busier here this morning as Bozzie and the Little Otter were going off campaigning together and were rushing around as they had a train to catch. Of course, the Mutt picked up on the rushing around and ran around the place yapping in that silly Welsh accent of his. It was a relief when they went off to the train. Bozzie made an announcement on cutting the Nationals Insurance rate if re-elected, this would be staged over the length of the Parliament as the tax raises a lot of money. People say Bozzie let the announcement slip out by accident, before he should have. The Limp Dumps have published their Manifesto today. They have lots of odd ideas, for many of their plans they want to introduce dedicated taxes. For example, they will increase the air passenger tax for frequent fliers and use the money for environmental issues, they’ll also legalise cannabis and tax it, spending the money on the Police. Personally, I think they must have been smoking some to come up with these ideas. Who really cares what the Limp Dumps propose, I don’t think we are going to see Jugs as Prime Minister. Nor do the bookies, as they are offering 250/1 against.

Highly Recommended by Jugs
Image by Herbal Hemp from Pixabay

That’s enough from me tonight, I’m off to bed, I’ve got to be bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow as it’s the launch of that new comic book, the Labour Manifesto. It’s being held in Birmingham on the 45th anniversary of the notorious pub bombing by Corbyn’s IRA friends. A little insensitive, if you ask me.

Thursday

Morning all. Looks like it’s going to be another interesting day. I hear Bozzie is going to announce that old people will no longer have to sell their homes to fund social care and the Labour Manifesto will include a windfall tax on oil companies. The biggest event of the day though is the start of the court case in Scottishland. Alex Salmond is charged with attempted rape and 14 other sexual assault against different women. I wonder if it will get wide TV coverage in the rest of the U.K.?

Less Of These Under the Tramp
“Oil Rig – Ocean Princess” by boggerthelogger is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 

Bozzie made announcements this morning on housing policy to try to make buying a home easier. He also confirmed the policy about giving people dignity in old age, saying nobody would have to sell their home to pay for social care. The only problem was there were no details. The Tramp had a big razzmatazz launch of Labour’s Manifesto. It seems to be packed with spending commitments but it’s pretty weak on where the money is coming from. He wants to nationalise the railways, water, electricity and Openreach. He says he is going to borrow billions to pay for this or issue shareholders with government bonds, I get the idea this is like printing money. He also says that he wants to put aside 10% of companies with more than 250 employees for the staff. The shares would be held in trust for the employees who will get some of the share dividend with the rest going to the state (isn’t this a new tax). They want to build thousands of council houses, increase public sector wages, increase the minimum wage and spend billions on the NHS. The money for all this is to come from big business and “The Rich”. Are there enough rich people to pay for all this?

Labour wants to build 100,000 council houses and 50,000 housing association homes a year. Last year there were 240,000 private homes built. Does this mean that Labour are planning to cut private building or to add both together, building 390,000 homes a year? If so we’ll have to import loads more Polish builders. I forgot to mention earlier that someone gave the Mutt a stuffed toy duck when he was out canvassing with the Little Otter. I think he has fallen in love with it. He walks round with it all the time and only puts it down to eat!

Friday

A big day today, with four party leaders each facing 30 minutes of questions from a TV audience later this evening. Why is Wee Krankie in the debate? Her party is only standing in Scottishland, by that measure that Welsh bloke should be there and so should Mr Garage who is at least standing candidates in England, Welsh Wales and Scottishland. The whole day will be a build up to the event and Bozzie has been facing trial questions and trying to give convincing answers. But, in the meantime, he’s visiting yet another hospital. I’ve given up trying to count how many hospitals he’s already visited during this campaign.

Wee Krankies New Job
“First Minister opens First Glasgow Caledonia depot” by Scottish Government images is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0 

Bozzie’s also been busy criticising the huge spending commitments in the Labour Manifesto. Labour claim that it’s fully funded but they haven’t put a cost on lots of things, including the re-nationalisation programme, claiming that they will be borrowing the money. The IFS has been very critical of this approach saying that institutions will increase interest rates when Labour come along with their begging bowl. Labour didn’t like this at all and argued that it was wrong. The “we can build more new homes than you” debate took a new turn this morning with Jugs mob coming out with a new higher bid. This time the promise is 300,000 homes a year. How many Polish builders does that equate to?

Saturday

Saturday seems to be the quiet day at No.10 this week with the Tory manifesto being launched tomorrow “somewhere in the West Midlands”. I might have to have my day of rest today and write a bit more tomorrow. Labour continue to make more spending commitments, not in their “fully costed Manifesto”. They say they’ll reimburse the WASPI women, costing a further £58 billion, again there’s no detail on how the money is to be raised. Bozzie’s been out campaigning in his own constituency today, supported by his dad Stanley. He was visiting suburban streets and even popped into an old people’s home where he had a cup of tea with the inmates. I suppose it makes a change from visiting hospitals.

Canvassing Can Get Lonely
“canvassing” by louisathomson is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0 

The usual batch of opinion polls for the Sunday papers were out and most show little change. However, one possibly rogue poll, showed the Tories with 19% lead.

Sunday

It feels strange to be writing on a Sunday but, as I said before, it’s as busy day. Bozzie was up early to travel up the Midlands for the Manifesto launch so I have had plenty of time to go on rodent patrol. I’m delighted to report that I found nothing. My next step was to go and find a TV to watch in the offices. The first one I found was tuned in to Soapy Ridge who was interviewing Mc the Maoist. How he gets away with lie after lie without being properly challenged is amazing, it’s no wonder that politicians go on her show for a soft interview. One thing that did slip out was that the £58 Billion for the WASPI women was not in the infamous Labour Grey Book of a “fully costed manifesto” and would have to be added to borrowing. It’s no wonder Bozzie said it would cost a lot when asked about it during leaders Question Time. After the Maoist came the Saj, Soapy seemed to be a bit annoyed when he wouldn’t tell her what was in the Manifesto. She kept pushing and he kept politely telling her to wait for the launch. Then a worker came along and change the channel over to Marr.

Marr had a long interview with Angela Rayner who never offered a single answer. She ignored every question, instead going off into a party-political broadcast at every opportunity. Sometimes he asked the same question 4 or 5 times and she found a different way of ignoring it. I think I will rename her Angela Ignore. Next up was that Welsh bloke from PC. He talked a lot and said nothing much. He wants Welsh independence but is stuck because Wales lives on the grants from Westminster. Why didn’t Marr ask him how he proposed to balance the books outside the UK? Then along came Jugs. Her replies to nearly every question was “Stop Brexit, we want a people’s vote”. The only other thing she wanted to do was change the rules on transgender rights. Last up was Michael Gove. He answered most of the questions, which appeared to surprise Marr. Because the questions didn’t have to be asked time and time again Marr seemed to have to make up extra questions on the spot which led to him not getting the answers that he expected, for example he was pushing that one of the new aircraft carriers was going to be given to the Yanks and Gove simply said “No”. Marr wasn’t very happy when Gove gave answers he didn’t like and tried to cut short all his replies, unlike the replies of Angela Ignore.

Bozzie launched the Manifesto from a wet Telford, in a hall that seemed to have awful acoustics, every question was terribly echoey. He was on top form, making a few good jokes, mainly at the Tramps expense, like saying “let’s be Corbyn neutral by Christmas”. There were not a lot of new promises although the already announced ones on school and police funding and getting out of the EU by 31st January were there. What was new was a promise to maintain the existing triple lock on pensions and to introduce a new triple lock on Income Tax, National Insurance and VAT by not increasing them for the duration of the Parliament.

A Telford Launch
“Lakeside Southwater One, Telford” by harrypope is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 

Bozzie repeated his promises of 6,000 new GP’s, 20,000 extra Police and more Prison Places. He did have a few new policies to announce, some not huge, like the £500 million a year for potholes. Others, such as 50,000 more NHS nurses at a cost of £750 million a year along with the return of nursing bursaries and apprenticeships were big announcements. He also promised an initial £1billion for Social Care and to go into cross party discussions to find a longer-term solution. All the left-wing press have been busy pushing a story that the military was going to be cut and one of the new aircraft carriers was going to be loaned to the Americans. A bloke from the Sun asked Bozzie if this was true, Bozzie came down very hard on this and totally refuted it.

Well I’ve have enough of working on a Sunday. I think I’ll find a nice comfy chair to curl up in and have an afternoon snooze. If, later, I feel like it, I’ll do another rodent patrol but it’s damp and dank here this afternoon and I don’t really feel like going out and getting my fur wet.
 

© WorthingGooner 2019
 

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