How to Win Friends and Influence People on Going Postal

Augustus Caesar, Going Postal It may seem to those of you who have not read my comments that I am somewhat of a novice when it comes to all things computer. I am not on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or any other platform the Interweb entices me to join. Worse, I post on a 16 year old desktop using Windows 7.

Yet, you could not be further from the truth. I am the mother of all chat/forum/blog/discussy/talky things. I was deep in Yahoo chat rooms when most of you were only 60. While pretending to write my PhD thesis I was actually in the “Yahoo Politics No. 7” chat room. One day, with the TV on in the deep background, I had the misfortune to see 9/11 live. Chat room No. 7 was 95% frequented by Americans; such was my sleeping pattern in those days.

I clearly remember “discussing” this horror with my fellow Number 7 devotees (about 2,000 in all with around 300 regular contributors). I could not believe their disinterest (even as it was happening). I am ex Army not ex Air Force yet even at this crude stage of my avionic development I was thinking “This seems a bit fucking wrong”. It took until around 9pm that night (our time) for my fellow roommates to admit something out of the ordinary had happened. Such was their belief in the safety of the United States. Yet, look at the US now. That horror is yesterday’s news. It is a blip, a statistic “something bad happened to some people”.

Yet I digress. My post is not about 9/11 or America. It is not even about the InterWeb. It is about you.

YES. YOU.

You merry band of (God knows who you are) brothers that make up the body of work known as GoingPostal. I mentioned Yahoo chat rooms only to show you that I did not come out of an egg yesterday. I, like Jennifer Lopez, have been around the block….or is that from the block?…………whatever.

I know every trick in the poster book. If you are new to this site or even an old hand, I hope my hints and tips may be of some use:

  1. If you don’t like right wing, unadulterated views peppered with profanity best to fuck off now. Cunt.
  2. Note those who get numerous upticks just by saying “Good Morning/Evening”. These folk are either exceptional or other folk are toadying big time. Ask why?
  3. Pay attention to those that jump into a conversation without as much as a good morning. These folk don’t give a damn. One’s to watch.
  4. You hate FF don’t you? You really, really hate it. You can’t say. Management likes it. Pretend to like it and post a vid of Erasure or take a night off and be thankful the faggots gave you the chance to sample reality, if only for one day a week.
  5. Never ever post sober.
  6. You don’t watch TV or listen to radio because you hate the bias? Then what better than to tune into GP and read endless posts from cunts pretending to also hate them but posting every fucking word Burley, Kuenssberg and Peston say. Yes, these folk hate you. But they mostly hate themselves.
  7. Unless you are from the Colonies never stay later than 11 pm. If you thought FF was bad then the utter music shite posted after 11pm will send you searching for the nearest razor or high storey car park. Ok, so the Eagles and Guns N’ Roses were never your thing. Trust me, they don’t get better. You will still hate them but now you will also hate a fellow poster….and yourself.
  8. If you don’t like the Armed Forces (past, present or future) try CNN or some other piece of shit. We don’t tolerate the likes of you round here. No Siree. We like “Zulu” and “Black Hawk Down” and shit like that.
  9. Apart from Mrs Margaret Thatcher any acknowledgement of women being good (except on a tits and bum scale) is strictly verboten. A few brave souls will try to point out that some women MPs are quite good and some men are awful but don’t be fooled. They obviously have not had sex in ages. Don’t even be surprised if some of the biggest women haters are women. They are either copying Thatcher (who had form) or want to get into your breeches.
  10. GP is surprisingly catholic in taste (that is what I call wit).  On the one hand we have those that like them. On the other hand we have those who wish the free loading, parasitic, lazy, good for nothing arrogant German cunts would just fuck off. As I say, two sides.

Augustus Caesar, Going Postal

  1. Those that uptick and say they love Monday Maffs can’t add 2 plus 7. The rest of us know this but we are kind and stay silent.
  2. Posting a pic of troops in full combat gear will get you massive upticks yet so will a pic of a puppy licking its balls. Make of that what you will.
  3. Beware of GPers who laugh and jeer at those not living in Engerland, the Jock and “Fenian” haters. Don’t cross them, they are the majority. If and when you can (without sounding like a spineless cunt) agree with them. Tell them your Homeland stinks. Yet beware of hidden traps. While a few carefully chosen sycophantic words will see you safely into trenches, too many and you will find yourself in no man’s land despised by all for the arse licking, cowardly piece of shite you really are.
  4. If you say you come from an ethnic minority background we will welcome you with open arms. That is, firstly, because we can’t really believe you are here. Secondly, because we no longer look like massive racists. (We still are, get over it).
  5. Beware God. Those that invoke imaginary beings have no case. (Yes I know, I don’t care).
  6. There is only CoE. If you disagree, best to fuck off now.
  7. Some GPers meet up in real life. This is laudable. Yet beware. They are talking about you.
  8. Back in 2017 somebody said something most folks disagreed with. Yet they survived and were even liked (ok, tolerated). So, don’t be afraid to go against the grain. I am sure your real friends will still like you.
  9. We never ever get personal on GP. If you find yourself hating, or worse still, fancying someone on GP remind yourself you are talking with your computer and chatting with your hamster would be more real……..and rewarding.
  10. If in any doubt your view may seem absurd, controversial, subversive or downright offensive…..POST NOW.
Augustus Caesar, Going Postal
Because I can

© Augustus Caesar 2019
 

Ed. Audio file will be back soon.