BDSM

Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism

Foot worship of one of the feet of a dominatrix by a submissive man. Her other foot rests over the man’s head, using it as a footstool (human furniture). Sketch is from a 1950 work named “Bizarre Honeymoon”

For some of you the title will put you straight off, in which case, please skip straight to the comments to not read them.  We are very eclectic here, so I do hope you take this article as something to learn about, it may take away some or all of any preconceived ideas, and getting shut of the memory of 50 Shades of Grey.  Some of it will be things you actually do get up to with your partner, but would probably not admit it.  Some things you may want to try. The definition of a pervert is someone who likes to do something you would not admit to liking or doing. Do not judge.

I was going to write this from the point of view of “my friend”, but I will be fooling no one. Also, as you will see, honesty is paramount if you are to have a successful partnership.

I shall not deal with the so called umpteen different genders, nor go in to what things like “pansexual” are. This is straight-forward male and female article on how it works.

Those who are not interested, please skip down to the comments, there are no pictures (Ed. I added the featured image), and there is no need to complain about what you may view as “perverted” but many see as “normal”.

If you ask 1,000 BDSM devotees of what their definition is, you will get 1,000 different answers.  The first thing to do is to understand your main type of role you want to be.  The most common ones are:

  • Dominant – One who likes to control their submissive or slave (Male form is Dominant, female form is Dominatrix, Dom and Domme)
  • Submissive – One who likes being controlled by their dominant, typically “in the bedroom” rather than 24/7 and typically for sexual purposes only.
  • Slave – Same as submissive, but tends to be 24/7 rather than “bedroom only”, also tends to be submissive in everything in life to the Dominant.  Slaves tend to call the Dom “Master” or “Mistress”
  • Rope bunny – Enjoys being tied up, a “Rigger” is someone who ties others up.
  • Brat – Usually female, of any age, identifying as a very young person, who then “upsets” her dominant or “daddy”, to get punished.
  • Masochist – A person who enjoys receiving pain for sexual purposes
  • Sadist – A person who enjoys giving pain for sexual purposes
  • Pet – Usually female, who identifies an enjoys behaving like a dog, cat, pig or other animal.
  • Switch – A person who enjoys being both dominant and submissive.
  • Vanilla – Everyone on the world who does not admit to a little bit of kink here and there. Basically what those in the BDSM world call people who do not enjoy (or at least not admit to it) anything to do with so called kinkiness, so their sex life would consist of jump on, jump off, go to sleep.

All the above are simply labels, again, ask a 1,000 people what their definition of any of these is and you will get a 1,000 different answers.  Not all Subs enjoy pain, not all Dom/Domme enjoy giving pain.

For this article I will concentrate on what I enjoy as a male dominant in a partnership with a female submissive. After many years, far too many in fact, I realised I wanted more out of sex, a vanilla relationship whilst wonderful at first, simply was not do anything for me. So I embarked on research, and you cannot do enough of this, believe me. Research does not consist of looking at a 10 minute porn clip of some nubile young lady getting her backside whipped whilst she is tied up to a chair in a dungeon, being flogged by some male gimp in a rubber mask and leather gear, it is mainly “fake”.  Those 10 minute clips will take many hours to film, done by professionals. Do avoid those, it is not very real at all, and this is where many preconceived ideas about BDSM come from. It simply is not about that at all.

So you first need to decide what you would like, and what you would not. This list is certainly not exhaustive, but it will give you an idea:

Age Play: Anal Sex: Arm/Leg Sleeves: Begging/Pleading: Being Blindfolded:
Bondage (light): Boot Worship: Breast bondage: Breast Whipping: Breath Play
Chosen Food For: Clothespins: Cock Worship: Collars (wearing): Corsets (wearing):
Enemas: Examinations (physical): Exhibitionism: Face Slapping: Fantasy Gang Rape:
Following Orders: Foot Worship: Forced Dressing: Forced Homosexuality: Forced Masturbation:
Given Away: Golden Showers (pee play): Hair Pulling: Hairbrushes: Hand Jobs:
Homage With Tongue: Hot Waxing: Housework: Human Pony: Human Puppy:
Interrogations: Intricate Rope Bondage: Kicking: Kidnapping: Kneeling:
Massage(getting): Massage(giving): Medical Scenes: Mommy Play: Mouth Bits:
Orgasm Denial: Over-the-Knee Spanking: Phone Sex: Piercing (perm): Piercing (temp):
Religious Scenes: Riding Crops: Rope: Scratching: Sensory Deprivation:
Sex in Scene: Sexual Deprivation: Shaving: Single Tail (light/sensual): Single Tail (moderate/heavy)
Strap-on Dildos: Supplying Victims: Suspension: Swapping: Swinging:
Uniforms: Verbal Humiliation: Videoed Scenes: Voyeurism: Whipping (cat o’ nine etc.):
Being Gagged: Bestiality: Biting: Body Modifications: Bondage (heavy):
Brown Showers/Scat: Caning: Chauffeuring: Choking: Chosen Clothing for:
Cutting: Daddy Play: Double Penetration: Duct Tape: Electricity:
Fantasy Rape: Fire Play (candles): Fisting: Flogging (back): Flogging (butt)
Forced Nudity: Forced Servitude: Full Head Hoods: Gags: Genital Sex:
Handcuffs (metal): Harnessing: Head (getting): Head (giving): High Heel Worship:
Humiliation In Private: Humiliation In Public: Ice Cubes: Including Others: Infantilism:
Knives: Latex: Leather Restraints: Lecturing: Licking:
Mummification (saran wrap: Needle Play: Nipple torment: Oral/Anal Play: Orgasm Control:
Pony Play: Punching (controlled): Punching (beat down): Pussy Whipping: Pussy Worship:
Serving as Ashtray: Serving as Furniture: Serving as Maid: Serving Orally: Serving Other:
Spanking: Speculums (vaginal): Spreader Bars: Stocks: Straight Jacket:
Taboo Themes: Tattooing: Teasing: Tickling: Triple Penetration:

So once you know what you would like, you discuss it with partner, and find out where you are a match, and this goes on the list of things to do. If either of you say “ no chance of doing that!” then it goes on your “Hard Limit” list, or if you may one day want to try it, it goes on your “Soft Limit” list. Hard limits must never be violated, but can talked about outside of playtime. Soft limits also must not be violated but may be discussed during playtime, except during any punishment, when the Sub may not be in the right frame of mind to make a proper decision.

You may be lucky and have a partner who wants to put a bit more excitement into it. If not, whilst obviously never advocating “playing away from home”, you either do, or you do not. There are many websites out there where you can contact like-minded people, and knowing what you want makes it much easier to find that person.

For every female Sub, there will be at least 100 male doms.  Of these, 95 will be wannabees, and the Subs weed them out very quickly.  So you have to be good, not necessarily experienced.  If your opening line is “Get down on your knees bitch and…….” Then you are a wannabe.  Subs are not doormats, they are real people with feelings and must be treated with respect at all times.  Much better off starting off with asking them to be your friend whilst on-line chatting, get to know each other as a person, and eventually, and it may be several or days or weeks, before either of you talks about any form of sexual activity.  If you are a Sub. learn quickly to weed out the wannabe’s, you may be submissive, but your are not their submissive, they have to earn it.

Which leads on to how a playtime partnership works. There are 3 bastions which must at all times be adhered to and 2 key components that again must be adhered to. These are

SaneSafe  –  Consensual (SSC)

Trust and Honesty

Any activity must be sane, no point in asking for a play partner who you would like to have some fun with whilst you are driving a car, that is not Sane, nor I suspect Safe. It must be safe, for example having a Safe Word is an often joked about topic in the BDSM world, but it is vital. Using a condom is of course a vital part of playtime unless with your normal partner. If you are flogging someone, or getting flogged, you need to be able to tell the flogger to stop, and they must stop, immediately. More on this later.  Every activity must be consensual, i.e., you have both agreed to try it. Nothing happens unless it is consensual, we do not joke about this, we mean it.

You must trust you play partner 100%. Trust is something that is earned over the weeks and months. It is no good asking them to be tied up on your first meet, you have to earn trust. You must be honest with your partner, do not tell them lies, any lie, if you are caught it will end the relationship. The key to all is communication, you must be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything. Find out what they really like.

A dominant will usually have a set of rules for the Sub to follow, not always, each Dom is different, it is just a label. Rules allow the Dom to have a degree of control, for “in the bedroom” this is normally sexual things, such as asking for permission to masturbate or orgasm. There may be rules for what punishments are administered if specific rules are broken. If starting out, just a few rules will do, maybe 5 at the most, you can add and change them anytime, but above all they must be consensual. Once a rule becomes a natural habit, then remove it from being a rule. There is a lot to be said for fewer rules than many rules.

In terms of punishment, not all Doms want to physically or mentally punish their Sub. For some, just by telling them off will be enough. For others they like the control of either physical or mental punishments. Much of this is actually called “Funishment”.  Flogging a masochist to them is a pleasure, so for actual punishment they could for example be told to stand against a wall, with a tennis ball on their nose held in place by the wall for 15 minutes.  If they fail that, they will not be allowed to orgasm for the next hour or next week. None of these would be acceptable unless both had agreed that they can do it. For the Dom you see, it is about control, for the Sub it is about being controlled. A Sub knows that the more they please their Dom, the more they get pleasure. Speaking of spanking, you start off very soft and work you way up to their “Amber”. I would also recommend learning how to use a flogger, there are You-Tube vids, learn to do it from these, not those videos of professionals in a dungeon! You also have to practice, do not just buy one and think you can use it. The idea is not to hurt, but to apply a little bit of incrementing pain. It is amazing how many people really do love this, but only if done properly.

It is often the case where the Dom would like their Sub to learn various positions, for example:

  1. Inspection” – Standing up, hands behind the neck with the head tilted back looking upwards with legs apart, sufficiently wide so if a hand is placed between them, you would not need to widen them. If the word “Away” is used, it means facing away from Sir.  If the word “Turn” is used, you turn around 180 degrees.
  2. Relax” – Same as the inspection position, but the hands are behind the back. Head bowed down looking at the ground.
  3. Diaper position” – Lie on the bed, on the back and bring up the legs, ensuring the bottom and pussy are available to be used. Restraints to help maintain this position may or may not be used.
  4. Spanking Position No 1” – Stand on the floor at the edge of the bed, or furniture, bent over so that only the wrists are resting on the bed. Breasts are free and available to move. Head held high. Looking at the ceiling. Mouth wide open if Sir moves to the front.

Please bear in mind that some people will not physically be able to do what you want, so adjust the rules and positions accordingly. Consensual remember.

I cannot stress how important it is to know the hard limits for each other, examples could include:

  1. HARD: – Cannot have hands tied behind the back
  2. HARD: – Anything to do with Poo
  3. HARD: – Dancing
  4. SOFT: – Anything inserted in my ass
  5. SOFT: – Drinking pee

The use of a Safe Words is also vital, simple ones to learn are:

The safe word “Red” may be used anytime and the Sir or Mistress will immediately stop, take out, or off, any toy or restraining equipment. Using the word “Green” means the Sub would like whatever is happening harder or faster, and the word “Amber” means that Sir must slow down a little and not be so hard or fast.

If you are playing with a previously experienced partner, check what they use, some for example like “Tomato”, “Oranges”, “Apples”.  Anyone who says they do not have limits is an idiot and should be avoided at all costs.

If a Safe Word to stop is used, you stop, you will not get a second chance, no excuses, ever, you stop.

During a “scene”, which is just a word used to describe an activity, may be for example being tied to a table and being flogged, a Sub will get a little delirious as the endomorphisms are kicking in. It is the responsibility of the Dom to take care of the health and safety of a Sub. Always check with them, ask them what colour they are, if they are delirious, then stop. Be aware of what is called “Sub-Drop”. It is not uncommon after a “scene” for a Sub to feel delirious, drowsy, they may look like they are in a panic. Take care of them learn what “aftercare” they need. For some it’s just a 15 minute lie down on their own, others may want to be cuddled and re-assured.

If you are starting out, once you have the rules agreed, make up a storyboard, listing all the things you want to do, get the Sub to review, amend, change or add anything, so it is all consensual. Stick to the plan. Avoid spontaneity until you get to know each other. To this day, I like my spontaneity planned! It’s safer.

In summary – Safe, Sane, Consensual. Be honest and earn trustCommunicate. Never, ever, break agreed limits.

I have not put any website links in this article, nor pictures, you can find it all easily enough. However, if you would like to know more, you may ask me in private and in full confidentiality, please feel free to contact me via SB if you have not already got my details. Do not be shy, this may be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
 

© Phil the test manager 2019
 

The Goodnight Vienna Audio file