With Phil the Test Manager

Phil the test manager, Going Postal

I thought I would write about puns, just for something to do really, and help us get away from Brexit for a bit.

If you have read some of my previous articles you may have noticed that I have on occasion been accused of writing filth, which clearly is not the case.  I can assure you I have tried to give up sexual innuendos, but it is hard, so very hard.

William Shakespeare was born on 1564.  The bard is known for his comedies, tragedies and his invention of new words that we still use today. He’s less known for his puns, including this one from Mercutio in “Romeo and Juliet,” who, after being lethally stabbed, quips: “Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man”.

More recently, in the excellent film Master and Commander (The far side of the world) we hear the following:

Captain Aubrey, played by Russell Crowe: “Do you see those two weevils, Doctor? Which would you choose?”

Dr. Maturin: “Neither. There’s not a scrap of difference between them. They’re the same species of Curculio.”

Captain Aubrey: “If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there were no other option.”

Dr. Maturin: “Well, then, if you’re going to push me. I would choose the right-hand weevil. It has significant advantage in both length and breadth.”

Captain Aubrey: “There, I have you!  Do you not know that in the Service, one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?”

Richard Whately (former Archbishop of Dublin (about 1830) gave us: “Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there. But what brought the sandwiches there? Why, Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.  That is indeed cringe worthy.

Possibly from Mark Twain: “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”

Groucho Marx – “Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns”.

Some proper groaners for you:

If someone else had flown first, it just wouldn’t have been Wright.

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. The bartender asks, “You mean a Martini?”. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for one.”

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Who invented King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

Which English king invented the fireplace?  Alfred the Grate.

The problem with studying history is that the teachers just seem to Babylon.

A teacher asks one of their pupils, “Can you describe Napoleon’s origin?”. The pupil replies, “‘Course I can.” (Corsican)

In my opinion, some of the better ones:

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me, so I then tried to catch some fog; I mist.

I must confess I am addicted to brake fluid; I could stop anytime though.

I am thinking of getting a job cleaning mirrors.  It’s just something I can see myself doing.

Last week I met a girl who said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I had never met herbivore.

I see the energizer bunny was arrested, charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

The other day I held a door open for a clown.  I thought it was a nice jester.

Velcro, what a rip off.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.  One was a salted.

I went to a sea food party last week.  I pulled a mussel.

If you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

A cartoonist was found dead at home.  Details are sketchy.

I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

The Future the Present and Past went into a bar.  Things got a little tense.

If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer team up, they would be alloys.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; I cannot put it down.

I would do a pun about chemistry, but it would probably not get a reaction.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

They’re finally making a movie called “Clocks”.  It’s about time.

One for Old Trout:  I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I asked Old Trout to stop talking in numbers, but she didn’t 1, 2.

I told a very poor joke about infinity; it didn’t have an ending.

Let us have your best ones please, we shall have a day off moaning about not getting Brexit.

© Phil the test manager 2019

The Goodnight Vienna Audio file