“Hello, my name’s Pooh,” said WTP to the circle of animals sitting on the chairs in the village hall, “And I’m a Going Postal addict”.
“Hello, Pooh,” they chorused.
“We’ve all been there, Pooh,” said Kanga, who was the group facilitator, “Perhaps you’d like to tell us how you started on this, the first day of your recovery”.
Some of the animals glanced anxiously at the clock. Pooh (who they suspected of having some Kinnock blood in him) never used one word when twelve would do, and they wanted to get to the plate of McVitie’s Assorted before they went stale.
“Well, it started when I got banned from the Guido website for pointing out that Diane Abbott was rarely at home to Mr Mathematics,” said Pooh. “I was lonely, bereft. I had no outlet for my political witticisms and bon mots. Then I had a flash of inspiration……”
“First sign of retinal detachment, your actual flashing,” said Piglet, “How many fingers am I holding up?”
“Let him continue, Piglet!” admonished Kanga, “I’ve told you about spending too much time in Hypochondriacs’ Corner. Swiss Bob said you’d taken up most of the bandwidth with your “Boils and How to Lance Them” video last time you visited.”
“Everyone made me welcome,” said Pooh, “They encouraged me to visit the site, several times a day. I found I was staying up to the small hours, trying to complete the crossword, visions of a Puffin Mug filled my waking dreams…”
“Tell me about it!” said a forlorn little voice from a stranger sitting at the back of the hall. A letter ‘J’ could just be made out on his name badge.
“I started eating all my meals in front of the computer screen,” said Pooh, “Have you any idea how difficult it is to get honey and crumbs off the keyboard when you’ve had a laughing fit at one of Rotherhampoofta’s glamour shots? I didn’t count sheep to get to sleep, I counted upticks.”
“What made you decide you needed help, Pooh?” prompted Kanga.
“I started to whistle Phil Collins songs when I was out for a walk with Christopher Robin one day,” admitted Pooh sadly, “He ran off shrieking with his hands over his ears.”
“And what are you going to do now?”
“I’m going cold turkey,” said Pooh, “It’s the only way. Thank you all for listening to me. I’ll put the chairs away after you’ve gone. Same time next week?”
Once the animals had headed back to their homes, Pooh checked around the hall to make sure he was alone. Taking out a smartphone he’d hidden in his ‘GP Addicts’ packup, he typed in “https://going-postal.com”. Oh yes, he could give this up any time he wanted………..
© Madam Revenant 2019