“Afternoon, Pooh,” said Piglet, as he spotted a large pile of gift-wrapped parcels wobbling up the track to the Wood, “It is Pooh under there, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” said Pooh, slightly muffled, “I’m having to walk because the Uber driver said he wouldn’t let me in his cab because I’m vaguely dog-like and therefore Haram. I tried to tell him I’m a Care Bear but he wasn’t having any of it and drove off shouting exotic eastern curses at me”.
“Looks like you’ve had a successful shopping expedition anyway. Why not rest a while and tell me about some of your finds?” Piglet replied, seeing that Pooh was a trifle hot and bothered.
The friends found a sheltered spot in a wooded dell and Pooh began, “I haven’t exactly decided who’s getting what, but my personal favourite is this book: ‘A Spotter’s Guide to the LGBGTQWERTY Community – Walking on Eggshells Without Cutting Your Feet To Shreds. Volume One’. It shows detailed diagrams of all the current gender variants, including trigger words to avoid, latest acronyms, known haunts, and percentages employed by the BBC and Guardian.”
“Gosh,” said Piglet weakly, “Somebody hold me back. Everyone should have one.”
“Everyone will have one”, said Pooh, “The NHS is handing them out to primary schools as part of their ‘Playtime is Gaytime’ initiative. Buy one gender-changing op, get a second one free (under 5s only). Then there’s this one, maybe for Eeyore – it’s a ‘Project Hysteria Doomsday Survival Guide’. Contains all possible negative outcomes after a no-deal Brexit, including a free can of flyspray to deal with the plague of locusts, some Germolene for the festering boils and a packet of aspirin for when the UK’s medical supplies run out.”
“All very worthy, Pooh,” said Piglet, “But is there anything in your cornucopia of festive largesse that borders on fun and frivolity?”
“Well, there’s this one; I thought Kanga might appreciate it seeing as red’s her favourite colour,” replied Pooh, carefully extracting a sweatshirt from one of the parcels,
“Maybe best to save that one for a Secret Santa gift,” said Piglet, “Because there’s a 3-week waiting list at the local A&E”.
© Madam Revenant 2018