“You’ll never guess where I’ve been this past week!” said Pooh to Eeyore as they were ambling along the track to Hundred Acre Wood.
“Gitmo?” said Eeyore.
“Nope,” said Pooh, “Not even warm.”
“Vet?” said Eeyore.
“Nope. I’m up to date with my worming tablets and anal gland drainage”.
“Entirely too much information, Pooh,” said Eeyore, pausing to overcome a slight feeling of nausea.
“I’ve been an extra on Doctor Who!” replied Pooh proudly. “My agent said they needed some species diversity and I’d be cheaper than a CGI creature. Would you like to know what happened?”
“You’re going to tell me anyway,” said Eeyore gloomily, “So you might as well get on with it. And don’t bother to hum the theme tune. I know how it goes”.
“Righto”, said Pooh, “Well, the episode’s called ‘Doctor Who and Jane Bond – The PC Conundrum’ ”.
“Jane Bond?” queried Eeyore, “I thought Barbara Broccoli said James Bond wouldn’t gender swap. She was quite firm about it”.
“Ah yes,” said Pooh, “But that was before Doctor Who had at him with her sonic screwdriver. It was all over bar the screaming within a matter of seconds. The NHS needs to get some – it would save a fortune on transitioning costs, and no need for all those droves of foreign surgeons who’ve been arriving in the back of lorries and such”.
“I’m still not clear on the plot, Pooh,” said Eeyore, “And I’d quite like to get back before Tigger widdles on the thistles again”.
“OK, well, Doctor Who and Jane decide that the universe would be a much better place if everyone was a) female and b) lefty. Davros gets hoiked out of his knobbly pepperpot, one swipe of the screwdriver, a couple of silicone implants, a squirt of ‘Passion’s Plaything’ and Bob’s your aunty. Before they pop the lid back on, they shove in a few copies of the Guardian, a vegan burger and a CD of Jeremy and Diane’s version of ‘Je T’aime – Moi Non Plus’.”
“And what part did you play in this entirely predictable BBC propaganda fest?” asked Eeyore wearily.
“The scriptwriter thought they ought to have a cultural flourish at the end, so Davrosina gets to exit, pursued by a bear”.
© Madam Revenant 2018