“What are you doing, Pooh?” asked Piglet, who had come across Pooh sprawled out on the grass in Hundred Acre Wood, surrounded by mounds of paper and several dozen broken green pencils.
“I’m auditing the EU’s annual accounts, Piglet”, said Pooh, “And a bigger bugger’s muddle I have never seen, I’m here to tell you.”
“How come you’re doing that?” asked Piglet, “Last time you tried any adding up it all ended in tears when you had to do all those refunds for your ‘Anglo-Saxon Phrases for Tiny Tots’ course. Kanga said she still has nightmares about Roo bouncing up and down and shrieking ‘TitBuggerBum!’ at the Vicar.”
“It was Christopher Robin’s idea”, said Pooh. “He told me that they hadn’t had their accounts verified properly for years. Their own Court of Auditors have been signing off the accounts, which is much the same as Shami Wossname giving Labour a clean bill of health on anti-Semitism. We are talking kippers behind radiators, in an olfactory sense.”
“Yes, but why you?” said Piglet, “Correct me if I’m wrong, and do not take this the wrong way, but you are to numbers what Polly is to the downtrodden working classes. Polar opposites, strangers that do not pass in the night. No offence”.
“None taken”, said Pooh. “CR said I had to make amends for the outbursts of foul language uttered from nests and burrows around the Wood. So here I am. You would not believe some of the authorised payments I have found.”
“Share”, said Piglet, “Get it off your chest. Phone a friend, shout it from the treetops, unburden your soul. You know you want to.”
“Well”, said Pooh, snapping another green pencil in his agitation, “There’s this bill from Guy Verhofstadt’s toupee-stylist for care and maintenance of aforesaid barnet. Five thousand euros! Look at this picture, Piglet, and tell me if that’s value for money!”
“Fair to say we was robbed, Pooh”, said Piglet, “What else?”
“Kinnocks”, said Pooh, “Fahzands of them. Multiplying like bacteria on a Petri dish. Think of a number, double it, times ten, add a handful of zeros and that’s just their Daffodil and Leek Allowance”.
“Did what?” said Piglet, “WTF is a Daffodil and Leek Allowance?”
“They get homesick”, explained Pooh, “So a quick sniff of the shrubbery and all their angst wafts away. I can’t take any more, Piglet, Christopher Robin’s asking too much of me. The numbers just don’t add up!”
Piglet patted the sobbing Pooh gently then said, “Here’s what you do, Pooh.
Tell them where to shove their green pencils. Freedom is in sight.”
© Madam Revenant 2018